I'm trapped and need out.

That for me, it isn't over.

2011-11-09T04:20:00.004+01:00

People always say that it's hard to get over your first love, but I thought I would be further along by now.

It's not like I'm trying to get Lomond back. It just that I still think of him every day. He always seemed so sad, even when he was happy, and I wonder how he's doing. I saw him this past Friday at the Homecoming bonfire of our beloved unnamed Baptist university, but we didn't talk to each other. I'm not sure that he even noticed me.

That was just a day after I realized just how not over him I am. So here's the story.

A few weeks ago, I started messaging back and forth with this guy from PlentyofFish, let's call him Glatze. I wasn't particularly interested at first, but he kind of grew on me. Eventually our messages came to the point of being dirty, and hey, we were both lonely and horny. No harm in helping each other out. It only started to bother me when the dirty messages started to outnumber the non-dirty. I knew then that this probably wasn't the guy for me.

But anyway, he made plans to come up from Houston to see me on Halloween, and I actually had a pretty good time. First, I was doing a weapons and armor display at the local zoo's Halloween event, walking around in a full suit of plate armor and letting people punch me with a buckler. I had him meet me there at the zoo, and it was fun. Once the zoo event ended, he and I finally got to have a proper conversation, and we decided to get dinner at the Vietnamese place in town, which was good, and then we went walking around downtown trying to find a good place to have drinks, but all the places I like were closed. So then we went to his hotel room.

And that's when the evening went downhill. Making out was nice. It made me feel alive. But as we started taking our clothes off to do stuff, my attraction to him waned. That was only the second time I ever did stuff with a guy when I really wasn't into it. (The other time was two years ago with Pendejo.) So yeah.

For a couple days, I struggled with feeling guilty. My epiphany came on Thursday when I had my music on shuffle, and I had to skip three songs in a row because they all reminded me of Lomond. I realized that I really wasn't ready to pursue something with someone else, because I still carry Lomond around with me. Glatze tried to invite me to his office Christmas party, and I told him I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth about not being interested in him until that night. But it was better to tell him sooner, rather than leading him on.

So that's over. Meanwhile, I think I'm finally backing off from my obsession with Adele's album 21. The whole album is about her breakup, approached from several different angles, and every song seems like it was written just for me.

So there you go. I think of Lomond when I listen to music, when I go shopping, when I drive past his house on the way to my Grandma's... I'll get there eventually.

But I'm not there yet.

-PW

Can I just say something?

2011-08-21T21:37:00.010+02:00

I want to jump this guy's bones.

His name is Bastian, he calls himself the Wohnprinz and he lives in Lübeck, in northern Germany.

I've been subscribed to him on YouTube for months, ever since he was featured on an episode of Buck Factor, but this video pretty much pushed me over the edge. He wears Lederhosen and puts on a Bavarian accent, and for some reason, I find that incredibly sexy.

He is just so cute, funny, smart, and he has excellent taste. Plus, he's German. In other words, he's my future husband. I wish. We would have an impeccably decorated flat in Lübeck and a cozy vacation home in the Schwarzwald and we would adopt beautiful orphan babies and have a perfectly fabulous little German family.

If I ever met him in person, I would definitely have to fight the urge to pounce on him, rip his clothes off, and make love to him right then and there.

------------------------------------------

But enough about my obsession with a YouTube style guru who lives a third of the way around the world. I've sort of put myself back out there in the dating pool after taking a good while to get over the breakup with Lomond. I've revived my OkCupid account and joined PlentyofFish. I've had online conversations with several guys, and I had Starbuck's with one guy a couple weeks ago. Nothing has really come of it, since the pickings are pretty slim in my CenTex hometown, but that's okay for now, I guess. I'm not exactly in the best position to start dating anyone anyway, considering I live with my parents and have neither a job nor a car, but I'm working on that.

I'm generally feeling a lot better about myself than I was when I wrote my last post here. I've come to accept that there was nothing I could have done to stop the disintegration of my relationship with Lomond, and I've also more or less stopped being angry at Lomond for his actions. I even almost forgive him for telling me he doesn't want to be my friend when we met for Starbuck's a month ago, since he really can't help his emotional issues. He just needs to deal with them before he can have a successful relationship (which he himself realizes and which is why he stopped dating "Natasha").

So here we have a much calmer, much less teary Phillip Wilde, and I thank you all for being there for me.

And unfortunately, embedding has been disabled for the music video of my current happy song, so just click HERE.

-PW

It's hardest at night.

2011-07-17T04:21:00.009+02:00

One year ago today, we were in New York, celebrating our half-anniversary with cannoli, prosecco, and purple orchids.

Two months ago tomorrow, he broke up with me.

One month ago tomorrow, we had our last face-to-face meeting. That day, I learned that he had been seeing someone new for two weeks. That means he only lasted a week and a half after dumping me before he went to someone else. In his defense, the other guy asked him out, but it was still a very uncomfortable revelation. I almost wish I didn't know who the other guy was, so I wouldn't be tempted to stalk his Facebook page every day. But I do know who the guy is. Never met the guy, but I know his name, where he works, where he's from, what he studied in college, whom we both know... And that he is now dating the man I thought I would someday marry.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City reruns on E! Because of this, I can't help but feel like Carrie, with Lomond as Mr. Big and the new guy as Natasha, the beautiful socialite Big meets and marries so soon after breaking Carrie's heart by giving up on their relationship. So naturally this Natasha-type's existence has been difficult to deal with.

Equally difficult to deal with were that meeting's other revelations. Apparently, Lomond had not been entirely honest with me about his reasoning on the day he broke up with me. The potential long-distance thing wasn't the real reason at all; it was just easier, more convenient. Really, he had been stewing on his issues with me for months without ever saying a word about them to me. I realize that this is how some people function, but it goes completely against everything I ever told him about my mentality. I have social issues. I think I'm mildly autistic. It's something I have worked very hard to overcome by studying social interactions like a subject in school. I have made great progress over the years to the point that most people don't really notice it anymore, but I still cannot always read people's emotions. He and I discussed this on several occasions, and on each occasion I always made sure to let him know that he could and should tell me about anything about me that is bothering him. I can't improve myself if I don't know I'm doing something wrong.

Any time I could tell something was bothering him, I always asked him what was wrong. He usually said it was something with his family or general "looking for my purpose in life" stuff. Not until our meeting last month did I learn that quite often he was actually thinking of things that bothered him about me but which he was too chicken-shit to tell me about: our 6-year age difference, the fact that I don't go to church, my social missteps, my involvement in faire, how confident I am in my sexuality, to name a few. By not bringing up problems until they were bad enough to end the relationship, he gave me a false sense that our relationship had no major problems, so that I was completely blindsided when he ended it. I would call that his biggest offense.

The age difference never seemed like such a big deal to me. I imagine it was probably exaggerated in his mind when I had to move back into my parents' house. I can get that I seemed younger than I am, living with my parents and having neither a job nor a driver's license. What bothers me most about this is that he never gave any indication that this was an issue.

The religion comment I feel was a little out of line. I realize that as a seminary graduate and church organist, religion is important to him. What he failed to recognize was that I went through years of disillusionment, disbelief, and tears, feeling that I could never be accepted into a church (or heaven, for that matter) because of who I was and whom I loved. I experimented with other belief systems, syncretism, and the like but nothing felt quite right. That was before I realize there was such a thing as an "open and affirming" church, at least not ones that maintain the traditions I love so much about church. Although I am eager to visit such churches and potentially find a spiritual home there, not having a means of transportation has limited this pursuit. I can't comfortably go to these churches with my fundamentalist mother. I'll save a more detailed description of my spiritual journey for another post, but it's safe to say that I am getting closer and closer to belief in Christianity all the time, which makes Lomond's religion comment seem a bit like a "How dare you?" moment.

The social missteps I have already addressed, and faire is something that makes me happy. I never tried to force him to like it, and I could tell that he didn't really get it. That didn't bother me. But it did bother him that it makes me unavailable for eight weekends in a row every spring. That's a common issue in relationships where one person does faire and the other doesn't. Not really sure how that could have been dealt with.

As for being secure in my sexuality, I think that was a jealousy issue. I came to terms with being gay when I was 17 and I never looked back, confident in my belief that there was nothing wrong with it. Meanwhile, I think he still has doubts about it as he approaches 29. While I can't fault him for that, as the journey to acceptance is different for everybody, I will not apologize for having reached the destination so much sooner than he. I tried to help him on his way in a non-forceful manner, but I could tell he was never quite comfortable being in public with me in the capacity of boyfriend, even in gay-friendly environments and among complete strangers we will probably never see again.

I was dealing with the break-up much better before that meeting last month. Since then, I have struggled with depression, obsession, insomnia, binge eating, and more recently loss of appetite. Most of the time I am at least comfortably numb, dedicating time and energy to other pursuits - nutritional consciousness (a more accurate term than "dieting"), baking, gardening, knitting, reading a new webcomic, watching movies, and listening to a lot of music, especially Lady Gaga's Born This Way album. As a result, I have lost five pounds in the past month, have a few new favorite movies, and know how to knit socks. I've also enrolled in a teacher certification program, which I should be able to start by the end of next week.

But as the title of this post suggests, nights are difficult. Since I stayed an extra year at the Unnamed Baptist university, most of my best friends moved away a year ago, and now having graduated, they've pretty much all left. That left me with Lomond and his group - small but tightknit and fun to be around. With the breakup, however, he got to keep the friends, since they were his to begin with. That leaves me vary much alone. Lomond was not just my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. His abrupt absence from my life, combined with separation from almost everyone I spend time with aside from my own troubled family, makes it very hard to stay home alone every night. That is when I can't sleep because I am thinking of him with "Natasha", when I feel unwanted and unneeded, when I hope my parents can't hear me sobbing into my pillow because I feel so painfully lonely.

This certainly isn't a daily occurrence, but when it does come to the surface, I just feel like I have no control. Tonight it was triggered by the knowledge that he was out with "Natasha" and ~~our~~ his friends on our sesquianniversary. I'm feeling better now writing this, having analyzed things, put them into perspective, and figured out what is bothering me. I have decided on the advice of one of our friends that on Monday (Lomond's next day off from work) I will have a serious conversation with him about how we're going to make this friendship work, including some of the thoughts I expressed in this post. Here's hoping we can come to some sort of agreement and that our friendship is not a lost cause.

I leave you with my music therapy du jour:

-PW

Hello, all.

2011-06-16T07:46:00.007+02:00

WARNING: This post is very long and possibly depressing. It also talks candidly, but not at all explicitly about sex.

My last post was about a generally positive experience. This one not so much.

Just over four weeks ago, May 17 to be exact, Lomond and I broke up. Amicable, but that doesn't make it suck any less. So here's what happened:

Back on May 4 (May the Fourth be with you), I was in study days before final exams and Lomond had the day off, so he picked me up and we went to the old Rock Church in Norse, TX, because it is one of his favorite places and I had never been. We had a nice time looking at the beautiful old church and walking through the churchyard and smiling at all the delightful Norwegian names on the headstones.

On the drive back, however, he started talking about things. About how he feels drawn back to Africa, where he spent a summer interning for a charity a few years ago. About how he needs to be doing something to improve the world. About how his life here seems meaningless. We had been talking like this for about 30 minutes when I realized he was trying to break up with me. By then, we were getting back into town. We were on one of the main drags in town when the tears started building up in my eyes, but I don't know that he noticed yet, since my glasses have wide side pieces. We barely got inside his house before I fell apart. This then set him off the same way. He said he couldn't stand to see me cry.

I don't really remember how the ensuing conversation went, but it ended with weepy kissing and the discovery that he was out of condoms. So no break-up sex; just break-up fooling around. Afterward, I think we watched the previous night's Glee on Hulu before he took me home.

I held it together well enough that night, listened to some sad music. Then as I was about to go to bed, he called me having a very hard time with it, saying he didn't know whether he had done the right thing. I told him to go to bed and see how he felt in the morning.

The next afternoon, he says he needs to see me, so he comes to pick me up and we go to his house. Basically, he couldn't stop thinking that he had made a mistake. He had been talking to a few friends about it, and one of them pointed out that the conversation had been very one-sided, that he had not given me an opportunity to give my input on the matter. This friend also asked him, "This feeling that you made a mistake, is it in your head or in your gut?" Lomond said that it was in his gut. He also told me that he had realized how silly it was to end something good just because of the idea of going back to Africa when he had no idea when that might actually happen. So we agreed we had both made a silly mistake - him for suggesting it and me for going along with it - and we got back together. We made a run to the drugstore and had amazing make-up sex.

That weekend at faire, I confided in my friend Colour about what had happened, but didn't feel the need to tell anyone, since it was just a silly little hiccup. The next Tuesday, Lomond and I had our usual date night/Glee viewing followed by what may have been the best sex I've ever had. Just saying. That Saturday, he took a few hours from work to see me graduate from the Unnamed Baptist University, but had to go back to work before lunch.

But the next Tuesday (the aforementioned May 17), when we picked me up for our usual date night, I could tell something was bothering him. We were back at his house before we got to the heart of matter. He was having the same feelings as two weeks previous. I made it fairly clear that I may have just sat there and listened the first time, but I was going to stand my ground this time. When he kept bringing up all the same things he had before, I kept saying variations of "I'm not giving up on this." He asked what I thought we would do if he did go to Africa for 6 months, a year, or longer. I said we could deal with that when it was actually happening, but that I was willing to do long distance. I kept citing CSI Friend, whose husband is in Iraq for a year, as an example that it's hard, but doable. He kept saying that he didn't think he could do it. I realize that it was happening again and I went into defense mode. I said we would never know unless we tried, that we shouldn't give up on what we had just because it might be hard, that I wasn't going anywhere.

Then the song "And I Am Telling You" from Dreamgirls started playing in my head. For those not familiar, this song is sung by a woman who refuses to admit that her diva antics have ruined her career and pushed away the man she loved. She is fighting tooth and nail for something that is already gone. That is when I fell apart, buried my face in the bed and when Lomond questioned, I said, "I'm pathetic. I'm like Effie White, fighting to save something that's already gone."

By the time that conversation was done, it was almost time for Glee, so he ordered a pizza. In my mind, I thought, "You just broke up with me for the second time in two weeks. You can certainly buy me dinner." The Glee funeral episode, pizza, beer, and then several episodes of The United States of Tara. And that's how that night ended. The only people I told about it that weekend were Colour and Gelfling, but word spread around a bit. That's okay.

On his suggestion, we still got together the next Tuesday for the season finale of Glee. We picked up Panda Express and a bottle of wine on the way. I paid for the wine before he could even get to the counter. Glee was good, as were the wine and the Chinese food. We watched even more United States of Tara, and I got hooked. The evening seemed only minimally awkward, and I thought it was a good step toward staying friends, which he first suggested and which we both agreed we wanted to do.

We let the next week go by, which is probably a good thing, since my birthday was in that week, and it probably would have been awkward, especially considering how sweet he was on my last birthday. But then last Monday, I asked how he was doing and whether he wanted to hang out some time soon, since I had the once-lost English version of The Blue Angel on Netflix, and he said sure, since he loves foreign films, so we made plans for the next day. That day, however, while I was out on my first jog of my most recent health kick, he sent me a text saying that it seemed too soon. I responded that I was just making an effort to stay friends, but that I understood if he was feeling uncomfortable. Not that I wanted to be so understanding. I wanted to scream.

Now I feel like a selfish bitch, because he was supposed to put The United States of Tara on my new external drive. I mean, I want to see him too, I want to stay friends with him, but I still have my selfish motivations for wanting to see him. I'm thinking about texting him tomorrow to see if he wants to hang out. I have Heißer Sommer on Netflix. Maybe he won't be able to turn down a campy East German musical from the 60s.

I'll let you know how things go.

-PW

A milestone

2011-01-03T07:16:00.009+01:00

I won't apologize for my lack of updates over the past few months, because it's just that I've just been busy and happy, nothing interesting to report.

But the past week or so has been monumental. Today, January 2, 2011, I came out to my mother.

Backing up, on December 18, 2010, I finally met Lomond's parents. He had called them to let them know that I would be at his choir concert in Austin, which they were also attending, so that they wouldn't be blind-sided by my presence. The wonderful thing was that Lomond's mom then said without needing to be asked, "Of course I would like to meet him." So he and I texted a bit when he wasn't on stage at the concert and decided he would come get me when it was over and then we would both approach them. It was a little awkward at first, as to be expected, and we could tell his dad was much more uncomfortable than his mom, but then she suggested we get something to eat before we drove back up to CenTex and they drove back up to the D/FW Metroplex. Over dinner, we didn't discuss our relationship, nor did it feel like a job interview. The Lomond family just had their normal conversation, and I joined in whenever I could. Overall, not bad. His dad even cracked a few jokes. Later on, Lomond's parents told him that I seemed very nice. I think that's what they needed, really - to see that I'm not a drag queen or a rent boy, but rather a regular nice guy.

Meanwhile, Lomond has been applying to doctorate programs in the Northeast, and if he goes, I'm going with him. Of course my family would expect some explanation as to why I was willing to move across country to be with him, so I decided I really needed to finish coming out to them. On December 17, an opportunity presented itself. While preparing to go to Austin and attend an Old-Fashioned Piano Party that night, I tried to make up for my lack of a haircut by trimming the little poofy curls on my temples that I hate so much. Bad idea.

I royally messed it up and had to make an emergency appointment with Sister #3, the hair stylist. While she was fixing my screw up, I mentioned that I was going to a party with Lomond and some of his friends. When she asked, "So who exactly is [Lomond], I gave her a look in the eyes which said, "I think you already know." Naturally, she was happy for me and wanted to know more about him, said that she and Sister #1 had been speculating about it, and asked when she would get to meet him.

That was when I made a plan:
I would have him meet all three sisters while they were all around for Christmas. Then they would be able to give support and vouch for how wonderful Lomond is when I finally came out to Mom later in the break - after New Year's, I decided, when people had left and stress was somewhat lower.

The mass meeting was set for the evening of December 26, under the guise of going to Starbucks and hanging out "just us kids." Sisters #1-3 and Sister #2's husband went with me to Starbucks to meet up with Lomond. It went rather well. Like the meeting with his parents, we more or less had the same conversation we would have had anyway, with just some casual questions about him and a clear acknowledgment of our relationship. It was nice, Sister #2 talked about how good a match we were all the way home, and Lomond said that although he was a bit quiet, he felt at home, that my siblings reminded him of his cousins up in NorTex.

With that under my belt, it remained only to come out to my parents. Today, despite us both feeling under the weather, Mom and I had a relatively good day. While she was out at the store, I decided tonight was the night. I dug out from their hiding place the booklets I had gotten at Austin Pride, and skimmed once more through PFLAG's "Our Daughters and Sons" before hiding it again somewhere more accessible.

When Mom got home, we ended up talking about various things as I waited for the right moment. It didn't come until after we both ate dinner and watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Desperate Housewives. She said she was going to check her e-mail and then go to bed. Once she was done, this is more or less how it went:

Phillip Wilde: So you're pretty tired, then?
Mom: Yeah... is something wrong?
PW: No, nothing's wrong.
Mom: Something's wrong, I can tell.
PW: No. N-nothing is wrong.
Mom: If you have something to tell me, just tell me.
PW: You and I are pretty close, and I wouldn't want anything to change that...
Mom: Uh-huh...
PW: But I feel like I haven't been completely honest with you... Mom,... I'm gay.
*pause*
Mom: I can believe that.

So she had had an inkling for sure. Which is good, because she would have to be pretty much blind not to. I mean, I haven't exactly been discreet about how much time I spend with Lomond. So after that was a long, drawn-out exchange of "Why'd you choose this?"/"I didn't choose it."/"God can change it if you ask."/"It's how God made me and I don't want to change."/"It's not what God wants."/"I think God made all kinds of different people and likes is that way." und so weiter, und so weiter. Eventually I said that it was just a different side of love, which made her ask whether I was in love. "Yes."/"With [Lomond]?"/"Yes."/"God has something better for you, and I don't mean a guy." I gave her the PFLAG booklet and asked her to read it. She said she would, but that it wouldn't change her mind, that her beliefs are too deep. I replied that this is part of who I am, and that won't ever be changed.

That's pretty much where it left off. She assured me that she will always love me unconditionally, but that she will be praying for God to turn my heart. Not perfect, but it could have been much worse. I still have a family, a place to live, and at least I've taken the first step. Now I honestly believe that she just needs time to think, to come around and realize that this is how I am and how I will always be. I texted Lomond, my sisters, and several savvy friends, and the responses have all been loving and affirming. I really do love you all and appreciate your support.

I'll update later when there is more to say, but for now, I'll leave you with Rufus:

-PW

Allow me to gush a bit.

2010-08-17T04:52:00.011+02:00

I love Lomond so much. He is so sweet and thoughtful and I feel so lucky every day that I am with him.

On my birthday back in May, he came to the renfaire where I was working, wearing the outfit I picked out for him, and was very happy to be introduced to my friends as "mine". Once the faire closed for the day, we went back to his house and he said, "Don't come in the kitchen!" When he finally did allow me into the kitchen, he was standing there holding a slice of cheesecake with a candle in it.

My heart melted. I had told him once that I liked cheesecake, and he had made me one. Then he pointed to the table behind me and said "And those are for you." There stood a bundle of beautiful orange lilies. My heart melted even more.

Then we walked into his bedroom and said "And open that drawer." Inside, I found this:

Yep, he bought me a book with all the music and lyrics to my favorite musical of all time, Company. And inside the book was this card:

Yeah, I got me a good one.

Then in July, he and I went to New York for a week. We had a wonderful time, exploring the city organically, meeting up with my friend Schu, a couple of his friends, and celebrating our sixth monthaversary. We spent our special day exploring Greenwich Village and eating dinner at Caffè Palermo, known as the "Cannoli King of Little Italy". We gleefully declared six months to be the cannoli anniversary. Delish.

We also saw the Sondheim classic A Little Night Music, starring Bernadette Peters!

And Elaine Strich (the original Joanne from Company)!

Ms. Strich didn't stop to chat when she came out, but Ms. Peters was working the crowd. Unfortunately, I was completely speechless when I had a chance to talk to her, but she did sign my Playbill!

Anyway, New York was fabulous, but now we're back in Texas, and tomorrow is his birthday. Now I'm stressing a bit about what I could do for him to show how much I love and appreciate him. I'll figure something out.

Now enjoy some Scissor Sisters:

-PW

P.S. Lomond and I have been together seven months today. :D

[/treacle]

Basic update

2010-05-23T05:50:00.002+02:00

I haven't posted in a while, but there really hasn't been much to say.

Lomond and I are still going strong and quite happy with each other.

Faire is going well. It feels good to be back.

Lomond and I are going to New York for a week in July. We found an amazing deal on a hotel on the Upper West Side.

He and I are also going with some friends to the Austin Pride in June. First pride for both of us.

And my 22nd birthday is next Sunday. I will be at faire. And so will Lomond. |D And I'm putting him in garb. It will be awesome.

So yeah, things are going pretty well.

And now, just for fun, I leave you with a look at what my blog would look like if it were designed on Geocities by a 13-year-old in 1996.

Enjoy!

-PW

Some people never change.

2010-04-04T06:42:00.003+02:00

Last night, around 1 am, when I was about to go to bed, I get a text from a number that's not in my phone. It reads:

+1713XXXXXXX: Hey boo

I googled the area code and found that it was a Houston number. I thought, who on earth do I know from Houston who would text me in the middle of the night and call me 'boo', but whose phone number I don't have? I thought maybe it was a wrong number, so I replied:

Phillip Wilde: Who is this?
+1713XXXXXXX: [Lip ring]

(Oh shit, what the hell does he want?)

PW: Oh. What's up?
Lip Ring: Nm. Visiting [my central Texas town]
LR: Single

(That whore! He probably thinks I'm going to hook up with him just because he's single again. *gags*)

PW: Well good for you. I'm not.
LR: Umm ok just saying hi
LR: Rude
PW: Wasn't trying to be rude. Just letting you know up front.
LR: I wasn't looking for dick...just sayimg [sic] hi
PW: Never said you were. I just thought that since you established that you're single, it seemed appropriate to establish that I'm not.

(Three minutes without a response.)

PW: So how are you doing?
LR: Just drinking.. u?
LR: [blank message]

(That's not a response to "how are you doing?", you dumbass. That's a response to "what are you doing?".)

PW: Doing schoolwork.

(Seven minutes without a response.)

PW: I guess you're not going to say anything else then.

(Another seven minutes without a response.)

PW: Okay then. I'm going to bed. Have fun with whatever it is you're doing wherever you're doing it.

------------------------

Then around 10 this morning, I was actually feeling a bit guilty about how I spoke to him last night, so I sent him this text:

PW: I realize I was a bit short with you last night, but you should know why. You didn't exactly treat me well in the past.

I didn't get a response, but I figured maybe he was just still asleep. Later, a bit after 1 this afternoon, I send him this:

PW: If you want to mend this bridge, I'm willing to cooperate, but you have to make the first step.

And I meant it. I'm tired of being bitter. If he would just bloody apologize, show some damn remorse, I would forgive him. Certainly not forget, but at least maybe then I could stop caring about what he did. I thought I had already gotten to that point, but hearing from him again brought back all those old desires to kick him in the crotch.

When it got to be almost 6:30 this evening, it seemed pretty clear that he was ignoring my texts. Typical. So the last thing I sent him said:

PW: Gone back to your old standard of ignoring me, I see. Let me know when you're done behaving like a three-year-old.

------------------------

So basically, he's still the same asshole he always has been. Maybe some day, he'll realize that and cut it the fuck out. Not likely, but a boy can dream, can't he?

So glad that Lomond is sane. I wish I hadn't had to turn down several invitations to go out with him this week, but I am buried beneath an entire mountain range of schoolwork, and being the thrice university graduate he is, he understands. Hallelujah!

Now for sleep. I am determined to dig myself out from underneath this crap by the time I go to bed on Monday.

-PW

A return and some pleasant news

2010-03-29T08:16:00.009+02:00

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

In the postscript to my last post, I alluded to something having happened. Well that happened and quickly fizzled out. Let's just call the guy "Pendejo" and move on.

Anyway, January rolls around and I join a different, much more reputable dating site, one that measures compatibility and all that crap. No, not that one. A free one without discriminatory policies. Within a week, I was talking to about five or six different guys with varying rates of seriousness. Eventually, one who actually was in my town suggested we meet for coffee. I was a little wary and not really sure how interested I was in this guy, particularly because he was six years older than I am and did not seem to photograph well. But not wanting to be rude, I made myself look all purty and scheduled a coffee date at the local coffee shop on the edge of campus, about three hours before my German class, so I could have an out if I wanted one, but we could also have a decent amount of time to talk if we hit it off.

Well, we hit it off. That first coffee date was a little awkward, but it's always a little awkward meeting someone new, especially when you're both semi-closeted gay men trying to keep a low profile at a coffee shop frequented by students and professors from the unnamed Baptist university of which I am a student and he is an alumnus. We both ran into people we knew, at which times the other just stood there quietly. Hanyway, so it turns out that we have rather similar interests. We both love music and languages, but while I chose to focus on studying languages, he focused on music. He holds a BM and an MM from the unnamed Baptist university. And an MDiv, but let's not get into that right now. He has also now applied to an MA program in French at a certain large state university in our state's capital. So yeah, he's definitely an educated guy.

And I know this sounds a bit rush-y, but four days and three dates later we each had our first boyfriend. He's a bit of a late bloomer, which makes the age difference not seem like as big of a deal. So we've been together for two and a half months now. He's met my best friends; I've met his. We're both busy people with wonky, unbalance schedules, so we don't get see each other every day, but that works just fine for us. It keeps us both from getting to clingy. We do have some sort of contact every day, be it a phone call, text message, or Facebook whatever, but at this point, we don't really need to see each other every day.

When we are together, we talk about music, languages, politics, and our lives, interspersed with beer, wine, food, clever Britcom, beautiful Danish films, and various amorous activites. It's always a pleasant experience.

So yes, I have a boyfriend, and for the purposes of this blog, he shall be called "Lomond".

In other news, I am buried beneath a mountain of schoolwork, trying to dig myself out in order to graduate. I'll be fine. Just thought I'd

Now I leave you with a video of the song "Prom Tonight" from the 2001 comedy classic Not Another Teen Movie, because it's been stuck in my head all damn day.

You may recognize a few actors who later went on to a good amount of fame, namely Chyler Leigh of Grey's Anatomy, Chris Evans of the Fantastic Four, and Jaime Pressly of My Name Is Earl. See? Good things can come from doing a silly parody film.

Goodnight, all.

-PW

Pardon the vulgar metaphor...

2009-12-17T22:06:00.006+01:00

But life is kind of shitting all over me right now.

But since I'm the idiot who positioned himself directly beneath life's ass, I have no one to blame but myself for the steaming pile in which I am currently lying.

Not going to go into too much detail, but basically I'm a dumbass who constantly repeats the same dumbass mistakes. I still have my hopeful outlook that things will eventually be better, but right now I have a lot of self-inflicted life-feces to wade through before that can happen.

Don't worry about me, though. I'll deal with it like I always do.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

-PW

P.S. - Since my last post, there actually has been an event in my life relevant to this blog's original theme, but I don't feel like blogging about it right now. I'll tell y'all about it once I've gotten some sleep and had a few beers.

Thoughts of the Future

2009-10-25T15:40:00.003+01:00

Yesterday, I was in the car with my Mom. She was taking me back to my apartment after spending a few hours at her place. We weren't really talking much. It wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable silence. We were just tired.

Then, in my head, I started thinking about how I should come out to my Mom.

Mom, we need to talk. You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you, but there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change it...

Thankfully it was dark, so she couldn't see how red my ears got just at the thought of it. I wanted to say it right then, but I knew that was a terrible place and an inconvenient time. So I still don't know when I will come out to Mom, but at least I have decided how I'm going to start it.

Sorry this isn't a very interesting post. I just felt the need to put it down in words. And it's not like I have that many readers anyway.

-PW

A smile and a sigh

2009-10-12T05:01:00.005+02:00

I just realized that the day after my last post was this blog's first birthday, so happy belated birthday to this silly little outlet of mine.

But the reason I'm here is that it's National Coming Out Day. I am so glad that we've come so far, that we have a day dedicated to being open and happy with who you are. I am sad, however, that we still have so far to go and that I have to let another National Coming Out Day pass me by without any bold action on my part.

It's not that I don't want to, but well, y'all know why I can't.

But I'm content enough with my current situation: out to some, in to others. It's just until I graduate anyway. In the meantime, I need to focus on my schoolwork - reading, writing, researching, studying, taking the GRE, writing my thesis, applying to Master's programs, and so on.

I still don't know when and how I can come out to my parents, and I know I can never be truly out to the world without being out to them. That's another big hurdle. What I've always said is that I would come out to my parents once I lived in a different town. Hopefully, I will be this time next year, at grad school somewhere.

For now, all I can do is just dance.

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

Live your life and love it.

-PW

In which I am a total pop culture whore

2009-09-22T04:01:00.006+02:00

Since I don't really have any relationship-type news to report, I'll instead discuss some things that have been on my mind/in my life that have been kind of camp.

While I was in Germany, I really got to love H&M, for cheap, fun and stylish clothes. I was very sad to find that there are no H&M stores in Texas, so in an attempt to recapture my H&M love, I went to my local XXI Forever (big store containing all the Forever 21 brands, including the men's brand Heritage 1981). Okay, so their selection for men is definitely more limited than H&M's. An H&M store is about 50% women's, 25% men's and 25% kids'. XXI Forever is about 85% women's, 15% men's. Still, I managed to find a couple things I liked. I ended up just buying a jacket and one of those lightweight scarves that white people love so much.

Here's a photo of me wearing both:

I have also taken to sitting with my legs crossed at the knee, have taken up knitting once again, and am greatly enjoying my yoga class. And last but certainly not least, since the VMAs I have become mildly obsessed with Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, P!nk and Beyoncé.

So have a video of each of them, namely their VMA performances:

TSwift - cute and fun

New Music - More Music Videos

Gaga - weird, but totally fabulous

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

P!nk - bad outfit, but artistic and inspirational

P!nk - New Music - More Music Videos

Beyoncé - Totally (Sasha) Fierce

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

My favorite parts of this one are seeing ~~butch lesbian~~ asexual comic Paula Poundstone getting totally into it while looking dreadful at 1:48 and the tone-deaf blonde girl at 3:10.

Also, in the wake of the VMAs, this wonderful cover of "Single Ladies" was brought to my attention:

So I guess that's about it.

Take care.

-PW

Oh, and Kanye's an idiot.

Comfortably Numb

2009-09-13T08:52:00.003+02:00

Today, as of two hours ago, is CSI Friend's 21st birthday. To celebrate, we went out bar-hopping here in my central Texas town. To say that I am tipsy would be an understatement, but luckily I know when to stop. I stop when I am still happy. And right now I am happy as a redneck at an NRA rally.

Just so you know: Skittles dissolved in vodka = orgasm in liquid form. Seriously, give it a try.

I'm not really worrying about finding a relationship right now. Tonight will be spent with good old Dextera and Sinistra, that's alright with me. ;D

Have some music:

-PW

Return to tedium

2009-09-01T16:39:00.003+02:00

Well, I haven't been blogging lately, but there honestly hasn't been anything relevant to this blog happening in my life. I've just been busy with schoolwork and stuff with my roommates (CSI Friend, Teacher Friend, and KoP).

Here, have a video:

That's been one of my favorites for a couple years now.

Hopefully something interesting (in a good way) will happen soon, so I can actually give y'all something to read.

-PW

Feelings return

2009-08-07T05:02:00.005+02:00

Well, I am back safely in my boring central Texas town.

I have spent the last few days seeing people, including CSI Friend, Koopa, Pandora and my family. I have also spoken with Geordie twice on Skype and am missing Germany quite a bit.

And well, there hasn't been anything interesting to post here since I got back, but just now logged onto Facebook and saw something. The Environmentalist had recorded a video and posted it on Facebook, and as soon as I saw it, I was reminded of why I had been crushing on him before I put that part of my life on hold to go to Germany. He was just so cute and sweet and I got all full of butterflies.

I think this really is different from my other crushes. He and I just seem so compatible. He seems like a guy who could really understand me. He's quirky and loves costuming and baking and music and renfaires too. 'Adorkable' is probably the best word to describe him.

I feel silly that I just got back and I'm already back to crushing. I won't be participating in the musical revue group this semester, so I won't have an easy excuse to spend a lot of time around him. I don't know if I should even do anything about it, especially since I only have one year left at the unnamed Baptist university, but he has two more, and I have no intention of staying in my boring central Texas town after graduation.

I just don't know. I'm sure he's not as perfect as he is in my mind, but he really does seem like one of the good guys, and I bet I will always regret it if I don't try something. He really seems like the kind of person I would set up with me if I were someone else. We're both weird, and in a lot of the same ways.

Oh blah. I feel like a little schoolboy whenever I think of him. Just getting these thoughts out there.

And now, a lovely song:

-PW

All good things must come to an end.

2009-07-23T19:59:00.004+02:00

I saw Kalender on Tuesday night. We sat and talked in a pretty public garden in town. He kept asking if I was ever coming back here. I told him the truth: that it really pains me to leave, and I would love to come back, but there's no telling when I'll be able to.

We then went back to his place and watched the last three episodes of Firefly. It really is a shame it was cancelled. It was a wonderful series. Now I need to see Serenity. Afterward, we started kissing. It was a bit slow starting, but we eventually moved on to stuff, and I stayed the night. Woke up the next morning, got dressed, gave him a kiss goodbye and went home.

I'm kind of sad how this is ending. I mean, I'm not in love, I don't have a crush on him. What we have is a bit more realistic. We enjoy each other's company and have some pleasant stuff. We're supposed to see each other again at some point before I leave. This is only one of many reasons why I'm really sad to leave Germany. I'm going to miss so much. After having lived in the same town in central Texas my whole life, both with my parents and at my unnamed Baptist university, I feel like I have finally found a city that is mine. I would consider living here full-time if I could.

Still, I do want to see my parents and sisters and niece and nephew and grandma, give them all big hugs.

This may be my last post from Germany. Ich werde dich vermissen, mein liebes Deutschland.

I felt the urge to listen to Kyo today, which is kind of funny, considering they're French. But anyway, here's one of my favorite songs by them, one which fits my melancholy mood:

Please ignore the cheesy graphics; it's the only video I could find with this song.

I guess that's all for now.

-PW

Catharsis

2009-07-16T01:16:00.006+02:00

I haven't updated in a while, but there hasn't really been anything interesting and relevant to say.

I saw Kalender last Thursday. Nothing happened. Not even what had happened before happened. I was allowing for the possibility of things happening, but they didn't. Nothing huge to make it so that nothing happened. He just made a wrong decision and blew his chances for that night. I'm planning to see him again next Tuesday.

I have been involved in some recent drama. No names (or even pseudonyms) will be named and no details will be related to spare those involved, since both parties (this person and I) are at fault.

The drama had me very upset this evening, stirring up some of my old deep-seated insecurities and whatnot. Accordingly, I decided to watch my favorite film, and the best spiritual healing film ever made: Smoke Signals. It always hits just the right spot for me. It is a film that makes me laugh, cry, and be at peace with my life and the world. In other words, it is my 'calm the hell down' film.

I love every moment of this film, but the ending is the best. Watching the ending won't spoil the film, in case you decide to check it out on my recommendation (and I definitely recommend it), so here is one of the most amazing film moments ever:

I highly recommend playing the video through the end. The song that plays over the credits is very powerful.

"Wajeeleh-Yihm" by Ulali

The internets tell me that it is in the Tutelo-Saponi language and translates as follows:

Let him go
I will carry you
Let the water wash the spirit with us
Let it move away on the river
I must let you go
Again, you have come back, good

I truly love this film. I notice new things each time I watch it, and I have seen it more times I can count, considering it's been my favorite film for about ten years now. I come to this film whenever I need healing, and it never fails me.

I honestly cannot recommend this film enough. I realize it may not be for all people, but it is certainly the film for me.

Forgive, but don't forget. Take every conflict as an opportunity to learn, to grow and to become a better person. And most importantly, never stop loving.

-PW

2009-06-30T19:15:00.003+02:00

Well, I saw Kalender again this past Sunday. Third Sunday in a row. I hope we can see each other on a different say some time soon, so I don't always have to rush home because of class the next day.

We met at 6 that evening in the city center. We weren't really hungry enough to go eat somewhere, but we weren't really ready to go back to his place yet either, so we got ice cream and walked around the city a bit, including along the river. We had some nice chat, but the weather wasn't great, so we eventually went back to his place.

Once there, we sat on his couch and watched more Firefly. I think we watched five episodes. I really do like Firefly. After that, we had time to watch one more, but I didn't want to be in a rush to catch the last tram home, so I kissed him instead.

Lots of kissing led to lots of touching, which led to articles of clothing being removed one by one and more touching, which led to stuff. Yes, we did stuff. Still not the whole shebang, but stuff did happen, and it was rather enjoyable. He knows his stuff.

By the time we were done with that, I checked the time and I had missed the last tram by 20 minutes. Oh well. It was worth it. We smiled, dressed, and kissed a bit more before I left and walked home.

I don't know what would happen between us if I didn't have to leave in a month. I don't really feel butterflies about him, but it never really works out when I feel the butterflies anyway. And he's cute, friendly and good at stuff and has good taste in sci-fi. I keep the hope that I can finally have an amicable end to a relationship/fling/whatever, one that doesn't involve any drama.

-------------------

I also just realized that I forgot to write about my lunch with Lucia in last week's post. It was just fine. We had Indian food, which is tasty (although not very spicy, because you just can't find properly spicy food in Germany). It took a while for her to ask me what was new, since she had a lot to talk about, but eventually it came up, and I said pretty much what I planned in this post. She didn't really have much of a visible reaction. I think maybe she had heard I was gay from someone else and was just waiting for me to say it myself.

So that's about it for now.

I leave you with some fun music:

Warning: NSFW

Live life and love living.

-PW

In which I am angry and non-specific:

2009-06-25T17:09:00.002+02:00

I had a great time at a friend's party last night. Then on the tram ride home, I ran into Essex, Z.Q. and Kendra.

I'm just going to say that Z.Q. is quite possibly the most unpleasant individual I have ever met. He seems to be happy only when he is being a total Arschloch to someone else.

I am so glad that in just over a month, I will never have to see him again.

Less venomous posts to come in the near future.

Take care and don't be a dick.

-PW

Und so weiter...

2009-06-22T22:50:00.004+02:00

I saw Kalender again yesterday.

No dinner this time, but I figured that would be for the best, considering last week's Chinese restaurant incident. We just met in the city center yesterday evening and went back to his place.

He showed me some of the 3D graphics he had created. That's what he studies, and he aspires to do CGI for a movie studio. Pretty cool.

We watched a so-bad-it's-amazing zombie comedy film called Braindead. So much red corn syrup. Everywhere. I will definitely try to find it when I get back home. After that, we still had plenty of time before I had to catch my tram home, so we also watched the first two episodes of Firefly. We had both seen them before, but it had been a couple years for me, and he had never watched them in English. So that was nice. I can appreciate his taste in movies. It overlaps mine, but isn't exactly the same. (He doesn't really like musicals, and I never would have watched Sin City on my own.

When we were done with the second episode of Firefly, I had about 15 minutes before I had to be at the tram stop, which is about a 5 minute walk. I always prefer to err on the side of caution, however, so I decided to go.

So I put on mu shoes and jacket, and I gave him a hug goodbye, which turned into a kiss goodbye. Nothing too long or intense, but it happened, which is just what I was planning all along anyway.

So now he knows I'm interested, but not easy. All is going according to plan.

I'll keep you updated as the situation develops.

-PW

Having some fun

2009-06-15T18:19:00.008+02:00

So I finally saw Kalender again yesterday.

It took us a while to get together thanks to scheduling conflicts, a bit of drama llama within the circle of friends, and the death of my grandfather*.

We met in the city center and walked to the restaurant he was wanting to go to. It was closed, so I suggested we go to this Chinese place. I was craving Chinese anyway. I gave him plenty of opportunities to veto and suggest somewhere else, but he said nothing, so we to the Chinese place. I think that it's reasonably priced for how much food you get, but he must be on a really tight budget, since all he got was this tiny plate of tiny spring rolls. I felt really guilty eating my plate full of delicious chicken and broccoli with white rice and curry sauce. Of course, we each paid for ourselves. But still, I felt guilty. My bill was just under €8 (and so worth it), but his was only €4, and I think it was only that much because he thought he should get a drink because I did. Oh well. We had good conversation anyway.

Then we went back to his place and watched Sin City, since I had never seen it, and it's one of his favorites. Pretty good. It's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times before it really makes sense, but at least I have one viewing under my belt and I can understand it more next time.

And that's all we did - eat, talk, watch a movie. Once we were at his place, watching a movie with the lights dimmed, I was expecting him to make a move. I didn't really know what I would have done if he had, but he didn't. I probably would have kissed him, but drawn the line there. In retrospect, there were signs that he really wanted to make a move, but was probably too nervous. It's cute. And exactly how I wanted things to go. I have a terrible history of going to the stuff far too quickly. For once I actually didn't kiss on the first date, and it's invigorating.

The whole way home, I was grinning like an idiot, because I can tell he wants me. He really wants me. And I'm making him wait, and it's driving him crazy, and I love it. I'm not used to having this much power. I'm not being a tease, since you're not a tease if you intend to give it up eventually, but for now I enjoy playing with him a bit and watching him squirm. It's fun.

We speak mostly in English because he rarely gets a chance to practice his English, whereas I get to practice my German all the time. He has a German accent and sometimes he'll say something completely wrong, e.g. directly translating a German idiom or saying an entire sentence in German sentence structure. It's adorable. I'm totally up for seeing him again.

Meanwhile I got a Facebook message from Lucia the other day, saying that she missed hanging out, so we made plans to meet for lunch on Wednesday. I haven't seen her for a few weeks, but I am using this as a positive opportunity. Geordie always scolds me for not just telling Lucia I was gay when I could tell that she had a crush on me. I always responded that the right time had never presented itself, but it's sure to on Wednesday. Considering how long it's been she's bound to ask me what's new or something along those lines, and I will respond by mentioning that I had a date this past weekend. From there, it can go one of two ways:

Either
Lucia (nervously): Oh, how did it go?
Phillip: It went well! Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

Or
Lucia (nervously): Oh, who is she?
Phillip: This cute German guy I met named [Kalender]. Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

We'll see how this goes.

I leave you with a funny video by Dan:

Warning: NSFW

Peace.

-PW

*I'm fine, by the way, so you don't have to worry about me. I have grieved/cried, and now I am getting on with my life, as he would want me to do.

When it's time to change, then it's time to change...

2009-06-03T14:27:00.011+02:00

A week and a half later, and things are completely different...again. Bloody hell.

This is another long post. Enjoy.

When we last left the Adventures of Phillip Wilde, Phillip was having a nice, casual, undefined something with an English guy known as Essex. They had done stuff on three separate occasions, and it was seeming that they would continue to do so, and they had last seen each other in a brief meeting at a nearby lake, with several friends in tow.

Well, here's what has happened since then:

That Monday, the head of the German division from my unnamed Baptist university (let's call him Dr. Fromm) came to my unnamed southwester German city to visit Louisa, Russky, one other girl, and me. He took us all out to dinner on Tuesday, and it was reasonably pleasant. We then decided to go get ice cream, which is a very normal occurrence in this city. As we were looking at the flavors, trying to decide what to get, we hear someone shout "[Phillip]!!!" It was Z.Q., and he was very drunk. With him were Essex and Kendra, and they all came up to us. I said to him, "Oh hi, [Z.Q.], this is [Dr. Fromm], our professor from [unnamed Baptist university]. We were just going to get some ice cream. He then proceeded to speak to our professor in bad, drunken German, using the informal second person, which is actually a bit insulting to use with a professor. Dr. Fromm was very polite and talked back to him. Meanwhile, I go to Essex and whisper in his ear "Please shut him up!" He responded that that would be impossible, which is probably true. I was completely mortified. Of all the people that we could have run into while out with Dr. Fromm, it had to be Z.Q., and he had to be drunk, and there's no telling what he could have told Dr. Fromm about my personal life if Essex and Kendra hadn't been able to drag him away. I spent the rest of the night annoyed.

I received a package from home on Wednesday, including a jar of jalapeño peppers and a large package of tortillas, so being excited, I invited a smallish group of friends, including Essex, over for tacos at my place. He couldn't come because he had too much homework, which is understandable, and he invited me to go to a Biergarten Thursday night with a bunch of people.

When I arrived at the Biergarten, about half the people I know were there, and nobody I particularly disliked, so that was a plus. Essex wasn't being very talkative, but who can get a word in edgewise when Z.Q. is there anyway? Well, Z.Q. left a bit early, and about 15 minutes later, Essex seemed ready to go too. He actually seemed a bit surprised that I didn't want to leave then too, but I still had half a beer and was having a good time hanging out with people. Whatever. So that was Thursday.

Then this past Saturday was my 21st birthday. I had invited pretty much everyone I know in this town to the festivities, not that I expected that many people to come. I just wanted to make it clear that everyone was welcome. It was just a very simple plan: a potluck picnic in the park that afternoon, and a pub crawl in the city that night. A lot of people couldn't make it because that day was also the beginning of a week off from class, so a lot of people were leaving on trips, which is perfectly fine. But Essex was one of the few people who responded to the Facebook invite as a definite yes. When it came picnic time, no one showed up but Louisa and Gotherella. I called Essex, but he said that he had gone to Colmar for the day with Z.Q. and Z.Q.'s mom, who had come to visit, but that he would be back to go out on the town that night. Well, I had a good time at the picnic with Louisa and Gotherella, so there was no harm there, and Gotherella gave me an awesome drawing, so I was in a relatively good mood, despite the small numbers.

Then when it came time to go out, everyone seemed to be unavailable except for Geordie and her friend who had come to visit. Louisa isn't really a pub crawl kind of girl, and Gotherella's parents were visiting, so I had no problem with them not coming. Then I texted Essex to let him know we were going into town, and he replied that Z.Q.'s mother had invited him to dinner, so he wouldn't be able to make it. I rolled my eyes, as dinner so would not take up the whole night, and I was annoyed that the guy I was sort of kind of seeing was blowing me off on my birthday. Whatever.

But then, after having a couple drinks in the city with Geordie and her friend, we decided to take the last tram home. I was thinking we could maybe go to the bar/dance club in our dorm complex, but as we were waiting for it, who did we see but Z.Q., Essex, and Kendra, drunk and coming to catch the same tram. Z.Q.'s mother was nowhere in sight. There's no way they could have gotten that drunk in the time in the time they would have had after having dinner. They had to have been out drinking at least since the time when Essex sent me that text. Essex barely said a word to me, and got off the tram to go home to his place, two stops before where I get off.

I haven't seen or had any contact with him since. I hate it when people lie to me. Geordie and I have come to the conclusion that Essex has gone back to being in an unhealthy obsessive whatever with Z.Q., like they had had several months ago. That wouldn't have bothered me so much if he hadn't lied to me about it. At least Buachaill was upfront with me about giving Czech boy another chance, and because of his honesty and since Geordie told me that Czech boy really is a great guy, I am no longer upset with Buachaill. I'm happy he's found someone. But rejection is so much easier to deal with when someone is upfront and honest about it, not when they lie and make excuses and ignore you. That's what Lip Ring did, and we all know how well that has worked out for him and what that has done for my self-esteem.

So I have decided that Essex is out of the picture. If he doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me, then he's not worth the time of day. So I spent Sunday, Monday, and most of Tuesday being angry at men in general. Then I logged on to the dating site and got a message from Kalender, asking if I wanted to do something again some time in the near future. I asked what he had in mind and told him about how busy I have been lately, going on day trips and trying to get the most of this week off. He said that if I wanted to relax, I could come hang out with him some time on his couch and watch a movie. Of course, I know what he means by that; that's how I ended up staying the night with Lip Ring. But I wasn't going to let him get off that easily, so I suggested we have dinner first and see what happens from there. He said he could cook something or we could get some pizza to go from the Italian place he lives over. That sneaking devil. Whenever we actually do get together again, I will make sure we actually eat in a restaurant. He's got to prove himself before he gets at any of what he's trying to get at.

So long story short: Essex lies and gets the boot, Kalender may be back in the picture, and I am not upset with Buachaill, so stop trying to comfort me about it.

Now have some cute music:

-PW

A developing situation

2009-05-24T20:43:00.004+02:00

Things are still going on with Essex.

Yesterday, Geordie asked me what I would call it. I think it's too early to put a label on it. I mean, we've only known each other a little more than a week.

But here is a description of what we have done since my last post:

Wednesday, he invited me to dinner at his place. We had a simple pasta dinner and cooked way too much. A bit of kissing and cuddling afterward. Then we went to the city to meet some of his friends for Karaoke night at one of the two Irish pubs in town. It was three English girls, Essex, a flamboyant American guy I've known for a while (let's call him Z.Q.), and me. It was a rather relaxed time, hanging out, drinking Kilkenny and Bailey's. The Karaoke didn't start until late because there was a football (soccer) match on TV that was running long. By the time we were able to go up and sing, only four of us were left: Z.Q., Essex, one of the girls (let's call her Kendra), and me. We sang "Waterloo" by ABBA and then ran to catch our last tram home.

After that, Z.Q. and Kendra went home, and Essex and I swung by my flat so I could drop off my jacket before going to the nightclub/bar in my humongous student compound, since Wednesday is always a party night there, and that Thursday was a holiday, so I didn't have to worry about going to bed early. Well, as soon as we got in my room, we started kissing. We never made it to the club. So he stayed the night, and it was really nice. We did more of the same stuff, but we also talked a lot.

As Essex was leaving Thursday morning, we decided to meet in the city that night for dinner. I then spent most of the day sleeping. Then I checked my email and got an email from my mom saying that my Grandpa has taken a turn for the worse. He has senile dementia and highly advanced cancer. Well, I didn't take the news very well, and I almost canceled dinner with Essex, but Geordie convinced me that it would help get my mind off it, so I got myself ready and went.

I was in the mood for Indian food, so I went to a place that Russky really likes, and that I had been to a couple times and really enjoyed. The food was good, the conversation was good, the weather was terrible. It was also funny because he has some strange aversion to eating peas, yet he ordered samosas, knowing full well that they pretty much always have peas in them. He just picked out all the peas, losing about half of his samosa in the process. We just had dinner and then went to our respective homes, which was all we really needed to do that night.

I made plans with Geordie and Louisa to go to the Titisee on Saturday, and by a complete coincidence, Essex had also made plans to go to the Titisee that day with Z.Q., Kendra, and another girl. We didn't really make any specific plans to meet up, but we said we would just get a hold of each other once we were there. They missed our picnic because they were out on a paddleboat, although they did paddle over toward us briefly. When they finished and came over, we had already packed up our picnic, and were about to go get a paddleboat ourselves. They had to leave pretty soon after anyway, so we just said bye.

Also, something relevant to this blog happened during our picnic. To preface, I had yet to come out to Louisa. Anyway, so just in the course of our picnic conversation, Geordie asked me how my date had gone. It went something like this:

Geordie: So [Phillip], how did your date the other day go?
Me: Oh, it went just fine. We just had dinner and then went home.
Louisa: Oh, you had a date! With whom?
Me: Oh, no one.
Louisa: Come on, just tell me.
Me: It's not important.
Geordie: Come on. If you don't tell her, I will.
Louisa: So who is it.
Me: [Essex].

Well, so I'm out to Louisa now. She probably already had an idea about it anyway. I've just been more wary about coming out to people from my unnamed Baptist university.

In other news, I have discovered a lot of gay vloggers on YouTube recently, after this video showed up in my "Recommended" box:

After this video, I really started looking into a few of these guys.

Davey Wavey is goofy and fun and doesn't take anything too seriously.

Scotty is quite a bit like me, logical, educated, and trying to reconcile his homosexuality with his religious beliefs.

And Dan is just cool and relaxed with a level head.

Check them out if you have some time.

I leave you with a song that has been stuck in my head for a couple days now:

Peace and love.

-PW

cough Well, then...

2009-05-18T00:39:00.004+02:00

Okay, so things have changed a bit since my last post.

Note: This is a long post. If you have a problem with that, tough! I've got a lot to say today, and it's my blog, so *nanny nanny boo boo*, *voiceless linguolabial trill*, usw.

So soon after I arrived at a friend's birthday party on Friday, which was quite an event, Buachaill told me we needed to talk. That, of course, is rarely a good thing. Long story short, he had been seeing this Czech guy before he started seeing me, but he broke that off because the Czech guy was being a flake, which I already knew. Toward the end of this past week, Czech guy contacted him again and was really apologetic, and Buachaill decided to give Czech guy another chance. I'm glad he was honest with me, but I was still upset. I think I hid it reasonably well. Okay, well Geordie and Umlaut could tell, but they already knew what was going on.

I still had a pretty good time at the party, although I did have a few moments. Namely, when he and I went back up to the party after our little chat, I let him go in first, while I stayed a moment in the empty hallway and silently shouted a stream of obscenities. The only other one was when I was going back into the party after using the toilet, only to find that Buachaill was right in the middle of all the people I was about to go over to, so then I quietly excused myself and went outside for a brief pity party, with the general sentiment of "Why the hell do guys never choose me?!" I haven't exactly had the best track record in that field.

Well anyway, I did still enjoy the party, and I didn't drink any more than I normally would at such a party, although I may have drunk my normal amount within a smaller period of time.

At the party, I also met someone. He's English, and will be called Essex in this blog. He's cute, slim and kind of short, although not as short as Shorty. He is very Southern English, in contrast to Geordie, who is from the north. His accent is probably what most Americans would think of first when thinking of an English accent, or at least as much as Received Pronunciation and Cockney. His is the kind of accent where people say 'bruvva' instead of 'brother' and 'wo-a' instead of 'water'. It's cute.

Considering the people we both know, we really should have met before then, but somehow we hadn't, although we had seen each other. Well, we were talking, when he said "Follow me" and went out into the hallway. I followed him and we had a good snog. Strangely enough, we weren't seen by very many people, although the people who did see us did include Geordie and Buachaill. I was a little embarrassed that Buachaill saw us, but it was a bit late. If he was bothered by it, he really didn't have the right to be, since he was the one who had ended it with me, and all he and I had done was snog and go on one casual date, after which nothing happened.

At the end of the night, when it was pretty clear that Essex and I were going to spend the night together, Geordie just told me "Be safe." That was her response when I asked her what she thought. I trust her enough that I wouldn't have spent the night with him if she had told me it was a bad idea.

So we spent Friday night together at my place. We didn't do everything, but we did do...stuff. And during the stuff, we talked a lot about a lot of different things. When I woke up Saturday morning, I realized that I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I got up and let him sleep some more. I got online and chatted with my friend Loon, whom I know from Texas, although she is currently in a different unnamed foreign country. I had told her about Buachaill a couple days before, and I felt the need to tell her about the change. She actually seemed a lot more excited when I mentioned Essex than when I had told her about Buachaill, but she (like quite a few of my friends) is a bit of and anglophile. I also have several hibernophile friends, but that's no the point. I think her exact words when I told her about Essex and that he had spent were "w00t!" She also assured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Essex convinced me to go out clubbing in the city Saturday night, and it was very heavily implied that we would stay at his place afterward. Actually, I think it was said outright, but it just sounds better to say that it was heavily implied.

After having a good chat and dinner with Geordie, who was also going to go clubbing in the city that night, I promptly fell asleep 45 minutes before I was supposed to meet Geordie at her place for a pre-game. (That's when you drink a bit at someone's house before going out, so you don't have to buy as many over-priced drinks when you're at the club.) I woke up about thirty minutes after I was supposed to go to Geordie's, which actually was the time I was supposed to meet Essex in the city. I texted him that I was running a bit late. When I got to Geordie's, she, Umlaut, Thóin and Buachaill were there. *sigh* I should have seen that coming.

I kept trying to convince people that it was time to go, and I texted to Essex that I had to wait for Geordie, because I didn't want to go into the city by myself. For a moment there, Geordie started talking that maybe she didn't want to go into the city after all. Normally, I would agree; there's a nightclub/bar right in our student compound and it's a lot cheaper, but I really wanted to go meet Essex. We finally ended up going to the city on the last tram, getting there at 12:30. Essex had been waiting for me for quite a while. At least he had been there with his friends and not just there alone. Still, he understood that sometimes it's difficult to convince friends that it's time to go.

------------

On a (not so) quick side note: Two weeks ago (when Buachaill was still with Czech guy for the first time), I met a German guy, whom we'll call Kalender, on a gay dating site. Different from (and better than) the one where I met Lip Ring. I actually joined it because Buachaill recommended it. It's where he met Czech guy. Kalender is cute as well, slim and almost as tall as I am. We met and went to the only gay bar in town, which he admits is kind of shitty, but his best friend is the bartender, so it's fun anyway. All we did was hang out in the bar with his friends and play cards. Well, he also bought weed from his bartender friend, rolled it into a joint and smoked it right in front of me. That doesn't bother me really, but I think it's funny as hell. I failed to blog about him because my Internet connection went down the next day, and by the time I got it back a week later, Buachaill had already happened, and I just sort of forgot. Well, when we were getting off the tram this Saturday night to go to the club where I was to meet Essex, he was getting on. It was just a smile, a wave, and Geordie knowing exactly who he was without me even having to tell her. It's really weird that I suddenly have all these options. My love life was all but non-existent in Texas.

------------

Okay, so we went into the club and I met Essex. Geordie commented in my ear that I was looking too grumpy and tense. I replied that I wouldn't be if she would take Buachaill out onto the dancefloor so that he wasn't right there. Essex and I had a decent time, and after a bit of awkward dancing (not because it's awkward between us; I'm just an awkward dancer), we decided we had had enough of the club, said our goodbyes and walked to his place.

At his place, we did all the same stuff we had done the night before, but we did it more, and I would say it was a bit better too. Maybe because we were more relaxed. Although I did notice that we didn't talk as much. Really just the stuff. We woke up this morning and did some more stuff before I went home.

I really haven't done anything today. Just chat with Geordie online and spend way too much time reading random crap on Wikipedia. Now I've been writing this blog post for far too long and need to go to bed, so I'm just going to wrap this up.

Essex suggested we go out for dinner some time this week. I was about to suggest it myself. So here goes another try.

-PW

Aaaaaaand I'm back!

2009-05-13T23:23:00.003+02:00

Please disregard that last post. It was a moment of weakness. Besides, I have totally moved on from that now.

'How?' you may ask? Well, because I have met a great guy, and this time the interest is actually mutual!

He's Irish. Let's just call him something simple: Buachaill.

We've known each other for a couple weeks. We met through mutual friends, namely Geordie and another (straight) Irish guy, whom we will call the Leprechaun. Of course they met Buachaill through another mutual friend, whom (to vary slightly from what everyone has been guessing would be his nickname in this blog) we will call Thóin.* Thóin goes to the same university in Dublin as Buachaill.

Ḫanyway, so he and I expressed our mutual interest at a party this past Friday, after being nudged toward each other by Geordie, who has taken to calling herself my Fairy Godmother. We had our first real date last night. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it at this point, since it's really too soon, but I will say that he's cute, down-to-earth, and a good kisser. If you want to know more, please direct your inquiries to im.trapped.and.need.out (at) gmail dot com.

I will leave you with a video that really makes me think about my not-always-so-open relationship with my mom. When I finally do come out to her, I think this video will be a good resource.

-PW

*For those of you who know what this means, let me assure you, I mean it (mostly) jokingly.

A relapse and a friendly suggestion

2009-04-26T12:33:00.006+02:00

Well, I had thought I was over my crush on the Finn, but now that his girlfriend has gone back to Finland, he's looking a lot more attractive again. We were out yesterday with a big group, and when we saw each other, he smiled at me the same smile that I had loved so much before, and I got a brief moment of giddiness.

Then I just thought:

Ooh, maybe he's bi... Damnit Phillip, quit it!

Geordie just met him last night, and she said that she would try out her gaydar on him and get back to me. Ach, so.

-------------------------------------------

And just a side note to all the girls out there:
If you are a little broad in the shoulder, spaghetti straps are NOT your friend. They only make you look broader. It would look better either strapless or with straps at least an inch wide.

And while we're at it, just because you really like a color, does not mean that it's a good color for you, i.e. Not all girls have the right coloration to wear pink. It's not a personal attack or anything. Everyone has a color that just does not look good on them (I look like a damn fool in yellow), and for some of you, that color is pink. Try blue. Trust me.

-PW

Offenheit

2009-04-20T11:40:00.006+02:00

So I've been meaning to blog about this for a week now, but I've finally come out to some people here in Germany.

Strangely enough, it was to people I had only known for a week.

Geordie - a girl from northern England
Woods - a girl from Singapore
Umlaut - a girl from Massachusetts

I'm also starting to reveal a little bit more about myself. I was with some friends (including the three I just mentioned) playing "I've Never", and I drank when another guy said that he had never done anything sexual with a guy. Of course, that doesn't necessarily prove to them I'm gay, but it leaves the possibility open. Funnily enough, the other guy drank too, but I'm pretty sure he's just a straight guy who has dabbled. Oh, and Lucia was there too. Maybe eventually she'll get the message.

I've also come up with a new rule for myself: NO CRUSHING ON STRAIGHT GUYS. It can never end well. It really hasn't been much of a problem since late-ish in high school, but this whole business with the Finn sort of mixed me up a bit. In my defense, I really could not determine his sexual orientation. For a while, I thought a friend of his who came to visit might be his boyfriend. Then it would have violated my preexisting rule of no crushing on guys in relationships.*

Other than that, I don't think there's really anything important to say, except that my regular semester here in Germany begins today. Wish me luck.

-PW

*See The Rules of Dating or any post that mentions Lip Ring.

Eh, oh well.

2009-04-11T20:51:00.005+02:00

So it seems the Finn is indeed straight. No, I didn't make a move and get rejected. Rather, his girlfriend came to visit. Oh well. I was pretty much over the crush by then anyway. I mean, I still think he's cute, but I had stopped pining.

So I find myself back where I was before, between infatuations. And again, I'm okay with that. I'm keeping my eyes, ears and mind open in case someone should come along, but I'm just going to be happy being single now. It is a lot easier to do that here, since I'm not surrounded by couples all the time. Most of my friends here are either single or they have SOs somewhere else who may come to visit every now and then.

Speaking of my friends in Texas, I guess I'll give an update on their status:

CSI Friend is still living with KoP and seem to be doing fine.
Teacher Friend and Aladdin broke up several months ago and she is now very happy with Superdude.
Blonde Friend and Army Guy are in Germany, where he's stationed. I'm trying to set up a time for them to come visit.
Koopa and CompSci Guy are still together and seem happy, although she is about to graduate and go elsewhere for law school, so they're having to deal with that.

And the situation with Lucia still hasn't changed, and Louisa said that she has noticed it too, so it's not just a narcissistic delusion or anything.

That's about it.

And if you haven't already, may I suggest you go check out my friend over at Blazing Life, who blogs about often taboo marijuana-related issues. I don't smoke myself, but she really gives a lot of insight on the subject, and I enjoy reading what she has to say.

-PW

Ach, so.

2009-04-08T00:49:00.007+02:00

Oh, I meant to post last week that all the stuff with the Finn and the Chihuahua got resolved really easily, i. e. when they sobered up, they realized they had acted like idiots and the security guy also realize that he had been a jerk. All resolved. The Chihuahua was back at the student bar last Wednesday. The Finn wasn't, but I think it was more that he was embarrassed than that he was still shouting about a boycott.

There really hasn't been much relevant to say lately. Except that I am now even more unsure of the Finn's sexuality. Maybe I was just thinking he was gay because I wanted him to be gay. Ach. It's frustrating. I swear, it really is harder to tell with Europeans.

And there is a girl (let's call her Lucia) who I'm pretty sure is into me. She's the shy type, so she just sort of follows me around and is probably waiting for me to make the first move, but I'm not going to make one. How should I let her down easily? Should I just casually mention an ex-boyfriend in conversation or what? I swear, this always happens to me. I'm nice to a somewhat socially awkward girl, and then she just gets attached. But God forbid a guy actually like me. *sigh*

Oh wait, I totally lied about there not being anything relevant to say. I had a long AIM conversation with Lip Ring a couple days ago. He's no longer ignoring me because he and whatshisface have opened their relationship. He wants me bad, but I'm pretty sure he just wants sex. I'm just not interested. I think I've pretty much gotten over the whole wanting Lip Ring thing. He's really not that great of a guy, and when I think of how he has treated whatshisface, it's a real turnoff.

Again, if you want less topic specific information about my time here in Germany, check out my Facebook. I have lots of pictures. You know you want to comment on them.

Now it's time for bed.

Ciao.

-PW

Boys are stupid

2009-03-26T13:08:00.003+01:00

So I'm still totally crushing on the Finn, but I realized last night that he can be just as stubborn and immature as any other male twentysomething.

There is a bar on campus here in my unnamed German university, and Wednesday night is party night. Everyone was out last night, like usual, and everyone was getting pretty tipsy and having fun, when the Finn and this other guy, the Chihuahua, were playfully shoving each other. A security guy then came over and told them to stop or he would throw them out. They laughed in his face, more so the Chihuahua than the Finn. The security guy then grabbed the Chihuahua and pulled him all the way outside, and the Finn followed after.

They apparently did not take the guy seriously and were sort of disrespectful. It's true that the security guy was a jerk, but if they had just reacted calmly and cooperated, it probably would have been just fine and they would have been let back in. A German girl we know tried to explain to them that the security guys have to be strict because they have a problem with people getting beaten up at this bar.

The Chihuahua refused to go home without his sweatshirt, but he couldn't remember where it was and none of us could find it, so he was just standing outside in the cold wearing only a t-shirt, and the Finn kept egging him on, saying that the bar was full of Nazis.

After they had been out there for about an hour and a half, the German girl and I finally convinced the Chihuahua to go home so he wouldn't freeze and that he could come back tomorrow and try to find his sweatshirt. I think by the end he finally realized that it wasn't worth freezing over, but as they left the Finn still refused to admit that they had done anything wrong. He needs to realize that security guys are very often assholes, and that everything is usually a lot easier if you just cooperate.

*sigh* Why are boys so stubborn?

In other news, I'm making lots of new friends from all over the world. It still haven't come out to anyone here, but that's mainly just because it's sort of an awkward thing to randomly bring up, not because I'm afraid of how people will react like I am in Texas.

My new friends include:
Lumberjill - a Danish girl who studies forestry and conservation, and as part of her studies has worked as a lumberjack
Gotherella - a gothic Italian girl who studies philosophy
Laetitia - an Italian girl, who is really more international, because she doesn't want to go back to Italy, is married to an American, and will be staying in Germany for a while, even though she won't be studying here
Fun Hair - another Italian girl, small, but with big, curly hair that fits her personality perfectly
Jung - a Korean girl, who is much more liberated than the other Koreans here and who doesn't want to go back to Korea
The Australian - an Australian guy, who is always the life of the party
Die Königin der Finnen - a Finnish girl, studying law, who always makes us laugh with her 'queen wave'
Russky - the other guy here from my unnamed Baptist university
and, of course, the Finn.

Those are just the ones with whom I hang out on a regular basis. There are several other awesome people I hang out with every now and then. I've only met two people I really don't like since I came here, and they are both Americans.

Blonde Friend should be coming to Germany about a week from now, since she finally has trudged her way through the bureaucracy of the US Army so that she could come live her with her husband, Army Guy, who is stationed near Nürnberg. That should be interesting. It's always strange when your friends from one place meet your friends from another place.

So, to sum up: boys are stupid, but the Finn is still adorable; there are awesome people everywhere; and Germany rocks.

Bis später!

-PW

And now for something completely different

2009-03-09T19:17:00.004+01:00

Except not really.

Well, I've been here in Germany for a week now, and I already have a crush, damnit.

Let's call him the Finn. Yes, he's Finnish. I've been meeting people from all over the place, but for some reason, he had caught my eye. Don't know if he's gay. I swear, it's harder to tell with Europeans. But he's fun, nice, and smart. Slender and pale, with blond hair and pale blue eyes. Very Nordic.

Not really much else to say. If you know me in real life, you can read my LiveJournal or hit me up on Facebook for more information about Germany.

It's beautiful here. And oh so much more gay-friendly. Hallelujah!

Okay, I've been standing at this net kiosk for a couple hours now doing all my online stuff. Enough for now.

-PW

I'm bored, so you get a post.

2009-02-24T01:10:00.005+01:00

There really hasn't been much to say lately.

There kind of is a new guy, but I'm not even sure if he's gay.

Let's call him the Environmentalist.

I know him (big surprise!) through the musical revue group. Well, I've known him for a year, but I'm just really starting to think of him like this. He's responsible, he's smart, and he's cute without being cocky/shallow like Flippy Hair, the Artist, and Adam's apple. More down-to-earth, you know?

Not that anything could really happen right now, since I'm leaving for Germany in less than a week and won't be back until August. More an acknowledgment that he is definitely boyfriend material than a declaration of my intentions to jump on him and ravish him in the middle of the quad.

And now a cute song/video:

Live. Love. Kick some arse.

-PW

What a day to learn of this

2009-02-14T22:40:00.000+01:00

I just learned that Ken Starr (of Clinton impeachment trial fame) is leading the campaign to invalidate all same-sex marriages issued in California prior to the passing of Proposition 8. As if Prop. 8 weren't bad enough, now people are trying to force divorce upon 18,000+ married couples in the name of the 'sanctity of marriage'.

This is absolutely unacceptable. The Courage Campaign is fighting against this injustice.

Please, take a moment to sign the petition on the Courage Campaign website.

Save the marriages of 36,000 men and women in California. End hate. Repeal 8.

-PW

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

2009-02-04T06:53:00.008+01:00

Hmm, so it seems there was a misunderstanding, a failure to communicate within the revue group. Koopa and Nike both ended up being in one of the special vocal groups, and the other one still hasn't been set, so I still have a chance. So it turns out perhaps Flippy Hair wasn't being a passive-aggressive bitch after all. He just wasn't doing his job and letting us know what the hell was going on.

Whatever. I haven't actually been mad about it for a while now. I'll still try for the other vocal group, but if I don't get it, I'll be fine, since I have already come to accept it over the past week and a half.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am currently in a rather unfamiliar state, i.e. I'm not really crushing on anyone now. I've decided this is just fine, especially since 3.5 weeks from now, I will be going to another continent for five months.

Yep, I'm going to study in Germany for a semester. The German semester is just a bit offset, running from March through July.

I have this stupid fantasy in the back of my mind that my time in Germany will be like Xavier's experience in the film L'Auberge espagnole, minus the whole sleeping with a married woman thing, for two very obvious reasons. I dream of having a great time with lots of crazy friends.

To answer the questions people always ask:

No, I am not going with a group. This is a direct exchange program. There are two other people from my unnamed Baptist university who will be going with me, let's call them Russky and Louisa. There is also one girl who has already been there for one semester and will be staying for this semester as well.

Yes, I will be taking a full course load, and yes, my classes will all be taught in German.

No, I am not extremely fluent in German, but I hopefully will be by the time I'm done.

Yes, I will be living in a dorm, only there it's called a Studentenwohnheim.

I will be at a prestigious 552-year-old university in a beautiful mid-sized city in southwestern Germany, less than an hour by train from both France and Switzerland.

Yes, I will be traveling within Europe as much as my schedule and budget will allow.

The other day, it really hit me how soon I would be leaving and I started feeling really sentimental. Koopa and I had a bittersweet conversation about how I will be leaving right after the revue competition is over and when I get back, she will be gone - graduated and gone away to law school. She and I have gotten so close over the past year.

I finally saw Teacher Friend, CSI Friend, Blonde Friend, and KoP this evening for the first time since Blonde Friend's birthday three weeks ago. We had dinner. It was kind of weird. I'm going to be living with them come August, but it seems that as time goes by, we have less and less in common.

I will also be missing the birth of my first nephew, who is due just three weeks after I arrive in Germany. I worry that my little niece won't remember me when I come back. I worry that my octogenarian grandparents will fall ill while I'm gone. I worry that I won't be good enough to succeed.

But I must remain optimistic. They say that if you believe you can do something, you can, right? Like the Little Engine That Could. I just have to believe in myself. I need to work on that.

And now, I leave you with a song that has been stuck in my head all damn day.

Enjoy.

-PW

An Epiphany and New Possibilities

2009-01-27T18:27:00.007+01:00

So last night, as I was coming home from rehearsal, I started thinking about what Flippy Hair did (or rather didn't do) with all the people who auditioned for vocal parts and didn't get them.

And then it hit me - it's exactly what he did to me last Spring. We put ourselves out there with the audition, and then he just never responded. That is exactly what he did last year when I told him I liked him.

That boy needs to realize that a flat-out rejection is better than no response at all, because then at least you're being honest. It's just rude.

It doesn't bother me as much that I didn't get a part. It's that he didn't have the courtesy to tell me so.

On a lighter note, I do seem to have made a new friend or two in the past two rehearsals. I already seem to be closer to the girl - let's call her Kiddo. We started talking when she, the guy - let's call him Durwood - and I were all standing next to each other in a formation.

Durwood pretty much has no filter on what he says, so he started talking about how many gay guys there are in the group. So Kiddo and I joined in, and we determined that there are only 4 straight guys, even though there are definitely more who claim to be. Meanwhile, another girl - let's call her Harmony - just stood by and laughed. Ah, good times. I have concluded that Durwood is like the four-year-old who says what everyone is thinking but no one wants to say out loud.

Okay, so that's it for now.

*lurve*

-PW

High school never ends

2009-01-26T07:46:00.004+01:00

Make that middle school.

More of the same from Lip Ring. About a week ago, he IMs me telling me to text him. I reply that I don't text and that if he wants to talk to me he can either IM or call me. Haven't heard from him since. Nothing new there.

Rehearsals with the revue group are in full blast. And Flippy Hair has changed. He used to be pleasantly confident. Now he's a self-centered, elitist, passive-aggressive bitch. He's the music chair and he's basically just given all the vocal parts to his best friends, and he doesn't even bother to tell people when they audition for something and don't get it. I feel snubbed, and I'm not the only one. There are several very talented people who have nothing.

If I wasn't over him before, I am now. I am just so done with all this shit.

The group has gotten extremely clique-y and the officers of the group are the clique-iest of all. That's so incredibly contrary to what this group was founded on. The whole point is so that people don't have to be excluded from participating in the huge musical competition just because they aren't in a fraternity or sorority. But now within the group, there are the 'cool kids' and the 'not cool kids'. It's bullshit.

Hitherto, my college life has not been like this. My high school wasn't even like this. I have had to deal with this shit since I was in middle school. And I was freaking miserable in middle school.

I just feel like all my hard work to be friendly, to avoid being socially awkward, to make new friends, has just been worthless. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself until very recently, until person after person, group after group, has told me that I'm just not good enough.

Fuck it.

I am really a very insecure person. I do not handle exclusion well. I never have. Whenever I feel that I am being personally and undeservedly snubbed, I just want to scream. But that's not socially appropriate, so instead I listen to emotional, anguished, self-questioning German music.

Voilà 'Gutes Tun' from Wicked: Die Hexen von Oz
Sung by the incomparable Willemijn Verkaik

Even if you don't understand German, she is so expressive, you know exactly what she is saying by the tone in her voice.

And that is how I feel right now.

-PW

Scheiße

2009-01-17T06:35:00.004+01:00

I saw Lip Ring today.

Lip Ring and his boyfriend.

At a concert.

The same band at whose concert we met in person for the first time.

Jeezy Creezy, I just stared at them.

I don't think he recognized me, since I cut my hair.

He looked exactly the same as he did last April.

I came so close so many times to going up to the two of them and just say, 'Hi, [Lip Ring].'

And then if his boyfriend asked how we knew each other, I could either be nice and say we met at a concert, or be a bitch and say 'We had sex. But don't worry, it was before you two were together. Although he has propositioned me twice since you've been together because he's a cheating asshole.'

Then again, later I looked over at the two of them and thought, 'I am way cuter than he is. And I'm actually good in bed. Oh well, [Lip Ring]'s loss.'

Ach, I'm losing my bloody mind.

I'm pretty sure Flippy Hair is dating this guy who went to my high school.

And Adam's Apple's Facebook says he is now in a relationship.

Bloody hell, what is wrong with me?

[/emo whining]

On the bright side, the concert was omgamazing.

And I really need to go to bed now. I have to work in the morning.

-PW

Follicular adventures

2008-12-31T04:01:00.005+01:00

Those of you who know me in real life should know that I have been growing out my hair for the past 3 years.

From the beginning, people asked me how long I would grow it, and my answer has always been "until I don't like it anymore."

Well, with the great changes that are happening in my life (going to Germany in 3 months, having an apartment when I get back, usw.), I decided it was time for a change. Since I had gotten to the point where I hardly ever wore it down, I decided that once my hair was long enough to donate to Locks of Love, I would cut it off.

And I did it today.

After the initial shock wore off, I came to the conclusion that it's totally smexy.

Christmas was good. Not much to say there.

Happy new year, everyone! Don't do anything I wouldn't do. ;)

-PW

Musings

2008-12-20T07:33:00.004+01:00

It's that time of year again - when people come together and make sure their loved ones know just how much they love them. And I have plenty of loved ones, but there's always the reminder that I don't have a 'beloved'.

I hung up my family's stockings today, and other than my 17-month-old niece and me, my whole immediate family is made up of couples: my parents and my three sisters with their respective husbands/fiancés.

And with all my college friends gone home for the holidays, I find myself alone a lot, which makes me fantasize about all the attractive gay guys I know.

Then I realize that I don't especially want to be with any of them. I just want to be with someone. I would gladly date Lip Ring, Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, the Artist, or Shorty, as they're all attractive, fun, and within an acceptable age range.

But Lip Ring is still in a relationship, which he says he wants out of, but he doesn't do anything about it. So he's out based on Dating Rule #1.

Neither Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, nor the Artist have ever shown any interest in me, and I'm too chicken shit to make a move after my last attempt at that failed miserably.

And I'm not even completely sure that Shorty is gay. He confuses my gaydar and that of all my friends.

But really, how will I ever find anyone if I wait just for someone else to come to me. Same-sex dating at an unnamed Baptist university with homophobic policies is a real bitch.

I just have to keep up hope and have the courage to try, because if I never try, nothing will ever happen.

-PW

The rules of dating

2008-12-07T06:40:00.004+01:00

So, after explaining to Lip Ring for the 3rd (at least) time why we cannot fool around right now, I've decided to write out a definitive set of rules that I follow in the field of dating. I also use these when giving others advice.

1. Absolutely NO CHEATING, and no condonation, advocation, or facilitation thereof.
1a. Cheating is defined as intimate activity, be it physical, emotional, or virtual, with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, without the consent of the person with whom they are in the relationship.
1b. Even if the relationship is on the rocks, it is still cheating until the relationship is officially over.
1c. A relationship is not considered officially over until there is some confirmation from both parties. Both being listed as 'single' on Facebook and/or Myspace is generally sufficient, unless the parties involved are especially untrustworthy, in which case you should not date them anyway.

2. Although spending time with your SO/whatever is important, you should not ignore your friends and spend all your time with your SO/whatever.

3. Keep PDA to a minimum. Hand-holding, hugs, and pecks are sweet and perfectly acceptable; tongue-kissing, neck-sucking, ear-nibbling, groping, usw., are not. Save that for when you are alone. Please note: Even the 'acceptable' activities can become annoying and unacceptable if done too much. (See Rule #2.)

4. Do not make major decisions (e.g. where you live/work/go to school, getting a tatoo) based on your SO/whatever, unless the relationship is well-established, stable, and has lasted at least 9 uninterrupted months, although a year or three is even better.

5. Absolutely NO CHEATING. This one is important enough to be listed twice. Cheating can possibly be forgiven on a case-to-case basis, if much honest and humble pennance is performed by the offender and the offense is never, EVER repeated. Sadly, the statement 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is true more often than not.

This list may be amended as different things occur to me.

-PW

My current musical obsession:

2008-12-03T17:07:00.003+01:00

Army of Lovers, a Swedish pop group from the late 80s through the mid-to-late 90s, and again in the early 2000s.

They're decadent, glamorous, and their songs are just so damn catchy.

They're campy and sexy.

Of course, they're called a 'Swedish pop group' because that's the common thread between them all. In reality, they're quite diverse:

Alexander Bard - just your average Swedish 'bisexual libertine', who was pretty hot, before he converted to Zoroastrianism and grew a gross beard that makes him look like Father Time.
Jean-Pierre Barda - the Algerian-French-Swedish bisexual Jew, who also makes a living as a hair stylist and a make-up artist for Europe's elite. He likes to wear even skimpier clothing than the ladies of the group.
Camilla 'La Camilla' Henemark - the half-Nigerian, half-Swedish beauty, a diva who left the group for a few years to pursue an unsuccessful solo career before eventually coming back to the group. She likes to wear short dresses that show off her pretty pretty panties and her bountiful bosoms. She also seems to wear crowns in a lot of their music videos. Gee, I wonder why.
Michaela Dornonville de la Cour - the French-Swedish blonde bombshell who came in when La Camilla left, and was subsequently given the boot when Camilla returned.
Dominika Peczynski - the sexy Polish-Russian-Swedish Jewess, who joined during the de la Cour years, but remained after the return of La Camilla.

Sometimes, they can be a bit vulgar, but it's all in the groove.

They continued to evolve, fitting right in when they made their 2001 comeback.

And they just make me feel all sunny inside.

-PW

sigh

2008-11-20T08:43:00.011+01:00

Hmm, so it's been about a week and a half since my last post, but there really isn't much to say.

I went to church again this past Sunday, and I'll go again this Sunday if I'm not too exhausted from spending Saturday at TRF. (That's Texas Renaissance Festival, for you non-renfaire peeps.) Although it probably won't be as exhausting as it was going to be, since things fell through, so I won't be portraying a character that day. I'll actually be going as myself, in mundane clothing even. *gasp*

I've basically just been really busy with school and my various extracurriculars. And no, I'm not using 'extracurriculars' as a euphemism. I wish I were; then maybe I would be a bit more relaxed. As it is, I'm only actually enjoying about half of my extracurriculars at this point, but I feel obligated.

I'm also feeling a bit lost, since I'm still not entirely sure whether or not I'll be studying in Germany next semester, since I still haven't found some more money to help pay for it. I was also supposed to meet up with my future roommate this afternoon to sign our lease for next year, but she told me today that she's not entirely sure whether or not she'll be here next year. She is thinking that this unnamed Baptist university is the source of her depression, and thus she is considering transferring.

Hmm, this post doesn't really have anything to do with the theme of this blog.

Oh well. I just really haven't been thinking much about love lately. Don't really know why. I mean, I've been around some cute gay guys (including Flippy Hair, the Artist, Adam's Apple, and another guy I only recently found out was gay, let's call him Unbelievably Gorgeous) lately, since the musical revue group is getting revved up about our new act. I don't know. It just feels strange not to have a crush right now. I always have a crush. Sometimes more than one. I feel kind of empty without one.

Let's hope for better days.

God, I wish this semester were over.

-PW

Someone who truly 'gets it'

2008-11-12T00:21:00.000+01:00

This man has earned my eternal respect.

-PW

More state-sponsored discrimination

2008-11-05T07:34:00.002+01:00

Damn, damn, damn, damn.

California Proposition 8, Arizona Proposition 102, and Florida Amendment 2 all passed, banning same-sex marriage in their respective states.

The California result hurts the most, since the state has had equal marriage rights since May, and now they're being taken away.

Argh, I'm so angry/disappointed. This totally kills my excitement about Obama's victory.

It's a sad day in America when people vote to take away the rights of other people.

I'm going to go sulk now.

-PW

Church this morning

2008-11-02T19:35:00.002+01:00

It was actually really nice. I enjoyed it and I learned things, although I know that I am definitely not ready to start calling myself a Christian again. I don't change my mind quite so quickly. However, I do think I'll go back again and see if I can get into it.

Of course, I'll still have to see if I can reconcile it with being gay, but I'll give it a try.

This should be interesting...

2008-11-02T05:29:00.004+01:00

I'm going to church in the morning.

I haven't been to church in about a year, and I haven't gone to church regularly for about three.

I was raised Christian and considered myself one until some point toward the end of high school. I did not cease to consider myself a Christian at that time simply because that was also when I was coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay, although that did contribute to it.

Really, the main reason I stopped being a Christian was because I became disillusioned by all the hypocrisy, the greed, the corruption that plagues the church as a whole in this country. The Bible-thumping televangelists and the megachurches and the faith-healers and the fire-and-brimstone preachers who care more about sin than about grace and love and forgiveness. That is why I lost my faith. It was always there, but I was able to overlook it until I found myself - however secretly - in one of the groups targeted by the hatred of the popular church. And I know that that was hypocritical of me. 'Oh, all is fine and dandy until it affects me negatively.'

I was also turned off by blind faith. By those whose 'solution' to any and every problem is to pray. Now that is all well and good, but it still won't do any good if they don't take some action themselves to solve the problem. I'm reminded of the quote 'God helps those who help themselves.' Now I know that that quote is from Benjamin Franklin and not from the Bible, but I still find it no less true. God can't make a drug addict suddenly stop being addicted to drugs. Well, he probably could, but then there's the issue of free will. No, the addict has to want to quit and to be held accountable by those around him. God can help the addict succeed, but the addict still has to start the journey of his own will.

And then of course, there is the problem that the church at large believes that homosexuals are going to hell, if for nothing else but for being homosexual. That is something with which I have a real problem. I do not believe that homosexuality is a choice, and it makes me so angry whenever straight people say that it is. I did not choose to be gay; I just am. And I don't see what is wrong about that. It is simply part of my nature. And what is wrong with loving?

And I know that this is a discussion of religion and that politics should not be brought into it, but the religious people have already blurred the line, so I have to talk about politics too.

I am actually quite traditional in my goals for my personal life: I want to find the love of my life, get married, and settle down in a house with a white picket fence, a two-car garage, two or three kids, and a dog. I want the American Dream. Why shouldn't I be able to pursue the American Dream? Do I not deserve a happy family life just because I want to start that family with another man? It just doesn't make sense. It always makes me so angry when people try to justify denying me that basic right by quoting one verse from Leviticus. It is so hypocritical that people take that one verse as absolute law while completely disregarding other verses in Leviticus condemning the eating of pork and shrimp and forbidding contact with a woman while she is menstruating. I personally believe that Leviticus is an outdated book which, although relevant to Jews 2500 years ago for purposes of health and hygiene, has no practical relevance to modern Western society, but if conservatives are going to claim that all of the Bible is true and be very strict about one rule from Leviticus, then they should follow them all. That just goes right along with the hypocrisy that I see in the church.

Still, despite all this, I simply cannot abandon religion altogether. I have even tried other religions, but none of them felt quite right. And because the guidance of one of my professors - my favorite one, in fact - I have decided to give Christianity another try. I am going to church tomorrow, trying to keep an open mind. Prepared to show people that I am not a non-Christian because I have not read the Bible, but that I am in fact not a Christian because I have read the Bible and see blaring discrepancies between the scripture and the church. I also see the Bible as a generally good book which has been mangled and twisted by scribes and translators over the past 2000+ years, as a collection of guidelines by which to live, some of which are no longer applicable because they dealt with a specific issue that is no longer troublesome, and some of which are expressions of some ancient man's irrational fears of things he didn't understand.

Let's see how this works out.

-PW

A plague of illogic

2008-10-30T04:32:00.006+01:00

Hmm. Nothing has really changed in my love life, yet for once I actually don't feel completely empty. Maybe it's because I'm actually getting to where I can be happy without longing constantly for someone, or maybe because I am just too riled up by Proposition 8 in California.

Not that I am unaccustomed to horrendous homophobic clauses written into state constitutions. My own Texas ratified an amendment three years ago banning marriages and all marriage-like unions between anyone other than one man and one woman. But I still get so angry when I hear about people being so resistant of equal marriage rights.

I can understand some people not wanting to call a homosexual union 'marriage' because they think of that term as having a religious connotation, but saying that straight people can have a 'marriage' but gay people can only have a 'civil union' just reminds me too much of Plessy v. Ferguson: 'separate, but equal,' and we all know how well that turned out.

If people are so adamant about the religious connotation of the word 'marriage,' then the state should not have anything to do with marriages at all. Call all legal unions, gay or straight, 'civil unions.' That can be the legal aspect, and then marriages, gay or straight, can be performed and recognized by religious entities if they so choose.

I have yet to hear an argument against same-sex unions that actually have a solid ground, since I have yet to hear an argument against same-sex unions that doesn't quote the Bible and/or jump to ridiculous conclusions about it opening the door for legalized bestiality or something like that.

I see no reason why two consenting adults (or more, but that's another discussion) should not be able to have the legal benefits of marriage. It would 'harm the institution of marriage' much less than divorce does, but you don't see any states holding a referendum to ban divorce. It's just all so illogical.

*sigh* Maybe I should just move to Canada, where homosexuals are actually treated like human beings.

-PW

Okay, scratch that last post.

2008-10-21T05:54:00.003+02:00

Well, at least the first paragraph.

A few minutes after writing that last post, I noticed Lip Ring signing on. I sent him a "Hi, how are you?" and he actually replied. Go ahead and gasp; you know you want to. I was just as surprised as you are. He's so bloody wishy-washy.

A bit of small talk before I asked how it was going with his boyfriend, and he said it was going well. We talked a bit about school and my recent trip to Dallas, and then I had to go to a meeting.

When I got back about 10 minutes ago, I messaged him again that I was back if he still wanted to talk, but he hasn't replied, so I'm just going to go take a shower.

That's about it.

-PW

Éiníní, éiníní, codalaígí, codalaígí. Codalaígí, codalaígí, cois an claí amuigh

2008-10-21T04:18:00.006+02:00

Not much has changed since my last post, really. Lip Ring is still ignoring me, or rather ignoring me again. It sure seems like an ongoing thing, though.

I listen to my friends and agree that they're right in saying that I should just forget him because he's just an ass, and I deserve better.

It was just nice to have somebody. But he was just somebody, when what I really need is somebody.

I'll be fine. It's just hard sometimes.

My current mood is heavily influenced by my current music, beautiful yet a bit sad. That is also the source of the title for this post, which translates as:

Little birds, little birds, all sleep, all sleep.
All sleep, all sleep, beside the wall outside.

The song is "Éiníní," traditional Irish, sung by Abby Green. She's really wonderful. Check her out at her Myspace.

I've got to get ready for a meeting now.

-PW

Being the odd number-th wheel

2008-10-13T07:30:00.003+02:00

It seems like all my friends her at my unnamed Baptist university are paired up:

CSI Friend and KoP (living together)
Teacher Friend and Aladdin
Blonde Friend and Army Guy (they got married last week)
Koopa and CompSci Guy

Out of the people at school whom I consider to be my good friends, that basically just leaves Black Rose who is still single.

I mean, I love my friends like nothing else, but it's hard sometimes being the single guy surrounded by couples.

I keep feeling more and more like Robert from Company, happy with my friends, but with no one around to answer my kazoo.

-PW

Torn

2008-10-09T04:51:00.005+02:00

Hmm, so I finally heard from Lip Ring again. God, I just don't know what is up with that guy.

I almost immediately asked if he had spoken to his boyfriend about the issues he was having. He said he had, and that they tried a solution to it, but it didn't work very well. He's still with the guy, but he's not happy.

Then there was some small-talk until he said, seemingly out of nowhere, 'hmm, you must have a nice selection of freshmen at [unnamed Baptist university] lol'. After cocking my eyebrow for a moment, I replied that although I don't generally like younger guys, there was a freshman guy on whom I had my eye, i.e. Shorty. I said that Shorty was adorable, 'despite the fact that he's at least six inches shorter than I am, or perhaps because of it.' He then turned the conversation dirty, saying 'shit---well makes him better at bj level'.

It just went downhill from there, with him describing sex act after sex act, and me telling him to stop, not to get me excited when my roommate was in the room. Then came this exchange:

[21:28] Phillip Wilde: I do believe you're trying to stir up some trouble.
[21:29] Lip Ring: hmmm
[21:29] LR: maybe
[21:30] LR: you know ud like it
[21:30] PW: Of course I would. Now if only I could find someone to do it with.
[21:31] LR: :-(
[21:31] PW: Why the sad face?
[21:32] LR: am i no good at sex?
[21:32] LR: as i recall u werre hardcore moaning
[21:32] PW: You are. But I will not do anything with you while you are in a relationship with someone else. We've discussed this before.
[21:34] PW: If there comes a time when we're both single and in the same place, call me up and we'll have mind-blowing sex.
[21:34] PW: But I won't be the other man.
[21:35] PW: Are you going to say anything?
[21:36] LR: i dunno what to say
[21:38] PW: I think we could have something great, but you don't know what you want right now.
[21:38] LR: as in a relationship?
[21:38] PW: You say you want a relationship.
[21:39] LR: no im asking
[21:39] PW: Well, you're in a relationship, but you're willing to jeopardize it for sex.
[21:40] LR: im staying in it for him
[21:40] LR: he was a disaster
[21:40] LR: now i've got to ween him of
[21:40] PW: Then why were you asking about you being good in bed? Why did you make a sad face when I said I needed to find someone to sleep with?
[21:41] PW: So you want out of your relationship?
[21:41] LR: I mean I care about him alot--- but it more supportive than actual love
[21:41] LR: thats the conclusion ive come to
[21:42] PW: If you think the relationship doesn't have a future, then you should end it. Otherwise, you're just leading him on.
[21:42] PW: It'll be hard at first, but maybe you could eventually get back to being friends.
[21:43] LR: id rather be fake for awhile to rebuild himself than have a suicide on my hands
[21:45] PW: Understandable. Do what you have to do.
[21:45] LR: I'm not leading him on---- im building his confidence back up
[21:45] LR: but killing myself in the process
[21:47] LR: i' sorry, i can't talk about this aymore. its making me sick to my stomach. i'm gonna go smoke a bowl. i'll ttyl
[21:47] *** "Lip Ring" signed off at Wed Oct 08 21:47:14 2008.

I really just don't know what to think. Am I crazy that I can't stop wanting to try being with him despite all the shit he's done? I mean, he's been quite an arse to me and to his boyfriend. Am I only interested in the sex? At least I'm strong enough to say no, no matter how much I want it. And I definitely want it.

Augh, I don't have time to think about this right now; I need to go take a shower and study for the two midterms I have tomorrow.

-PW

A Renaissance of Love

2008-10-06T06:37:00.004+02:00

Alright, so that title sounds like some kind of hippie mumbo-jumbo. Whatever. It's the best I can think of right now.

So I performed at a Renaissance Festival the past two weekends. It's a smaller festival, only in its third season, and I've been there all three.

So this Saturday, there was a young gay couple sitting together at the end of the day pubsing. In fact, they were about my age and students at one of the smaller colleges in the same town as my unnamed Baptist university. One of them is a culinary student who was working food service for the faire. Anyway, so when I looked over and saw two young men sitting together and resting on each other, I just thought 'Aww, that's sweet. They're happy.'

But I could tell that they had become the curiostiy of the pubsing, attracting as much attention from the patrons about as the performers in the form of silent looks and whispered comments. Some seemed to feel the same as I did. Some seemed to be a bit uncomfortable. Others were just curious. Not really a lot to say about this incident. I just think it's interesting watching different people's reactions to a gay couple acting just like any straight couple.

I've said previously that at renfaires I neither broadcast nor make any real effort to hid my homosexuality. Not that I really mind most of the people there knowing that I'm gay, and I generally give people an honest answer if they ask, but if they don't ask, I generally like to remain a little ambiguous.

So there is this family - father, mother, and two daughers about my age - I knew from church many years ago when I was a child, but our church ceased to exist when I was 12, and we stopped seeing each other. Well, we rediscovered each other last year at this very renfaire, both being performers there. Well, actually, we had had a chance encounter one year before that at the first season of this faire, in which we were in complete darkness and sang back and forth, but since it was so dark, we never saw each other's face and so never recognized each other.

Well, they as a music group have joined the same music group of which I am a member for most of our shows, except this particular faire at which we perform separately. Anyway, so I have rekindled my friendship with the two daughters, particularly the older of the two, hereafter referred to as Lore. She liked me when we were children, and I knew, well kind of. I don't know if I knew then, but I know in retrospect. Well, that and she told me today, but that comes later in this story.

Today, she and her younger sister, let's call her Blueberry, just finally asked me. After a minute of trying to answer with subtle gestures, I eventually just said it. For some reason, people never seem to understand me when I'm trying to be subtle. Anyway, Lore then asked if I wanted to take a walk around the faire. I understood that that meant she wanted to talk, just the two of us. We had a nice, long talk about our pasts, our thoughts, my 'journey' if you will, and her tendency to fall for gay guys. I think we'll be just fine. In fact, we're IMing right now.

So that's what's been on my mind this weekend.

-PW

An ongoing saga

2008-10-01T06:43:00.005+02:00

So I finally heard from Lip Ring again. He texted me yesterday, saying "I haven't been ignoring you yo, I hardly ever get on myspace anymore. Things are okay I guess. I'm in love, just not completely sexually happy."

I call bullshit on him saying that he just hasn't been getting on Myspace. Does he not realize that Myspace tells you if your sent messages have been read? *sigh* I think I'm just done with him completely. Whenever I try to be his friend instead of 'the other man,' he just ignores me, and now he's lying to me about it.

I had dinner tonight with my two best friends here at my unnamed Baptist university, hereafter referred to as Teacher Friend (she's an education major) and CSI Friend (she's a forensic science major). After we finished, none of us really wanted to go home to do homework, so we ended up staying in the cafeteria for quite a while, long enough for Shorty to come join us after a meeting he had.

Shorty has only recently come into our close-knit group. He's a freshman, whom we probably would never have come to know if he hadn't been childhood friends with Teacher Friend, but he actually fits in with our group rather well. We (being me, CSI Friend, Teacher Friend, and their roommate Blonde Friend) have also discussed on more than one occasion whether we think Shorty is gay. We have all gotten a vibe, but none of us feel absolutely sure in either direction. We've generally come to the conclusion that he isn't really sure himself yet.

This may sound kind of selfish, but I kind of hope he is gay. He's really cute and really easy to get along with. I've actually discussed this with Teacher Friend as well, and she said that if he is gay, then I should go for it, and that we would make a really cute couple.

I noticed today that he has really long eyelashes. I think he is officially my number one crush now.

Teacher Friend and I went to a meeting of the musical revue group tonight, where I saw Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, and the Artist. I still think they're all adorable, and I would probably date any one of them if I had the courage, but the bulk of my attention has turned to Shorty.

Man, sometimes I just think of how stupid it is that I stay in the closet, almost surely sealing my loneliness. I wish the administration at my unnamed Baptist university would just take their heads out of their own arses and realize that gays are not subversive pedophiles who lure upstanding men into their dens of sin. Then maybe I could have a chance at a normal love life.

Well, a man can dream, can't he?

-PW

Wishes

2008-09-30T05:48:00.006+02:00

I can be rather cynical at times, but deep inside I have always been a romantic.

So in spite of my loneliness, or perhaps because of it, I have recently begun making a wish whenever the clock reads 11:11. I usually close my eyes and think very strongly a line from the Sondheim musical Company:

'You've got to love somebody, not somebody.'

I have also chosen as my personal anthem lately the song Being Alive, also from Company. Below are my two favorite versions of the song.

First, the original Broadway cast recording, with the incredibly talented Dean Jones:

And secondly, the round version from the 1999 Broadway run of Putting It Together, with George Hearn, Carol Burnett, Bronson Pinchot, Ruthie Henshall, and John Barrowman:

Did I mention that I love them all immensely?

Especially John Barrowman. He's just plain pretty.

-PW

A post in honor of all the men I've liked through the years.

2008-09-26T06:17:00.008+02:00

There's been:
Tongue Stud
Redhead Skater Boy
Chinstrap
Polish Guy
Politician Guy
Pepper
Cheer Boy
The Scotsman
Gypsy Boy
The Nobleman
The Jester
The Francophile
Indie Boy
Flippy Hair
Jew Fro
The Artist
Adam's Apple
Lip Ring
The Potter
Shorty

True, most of these were simply little infatuations, but I still remember most of them fondly.

I had a nice, little random conversation with Flippy Hair today when we ran into each other in the lobby. I think we may actually at some point become what could be called 'friends'.

And Myspace tells me that Lip Ring has read the message I sent him the other day. So I guess he's officially ignoring me. Again.

Oh well.

Now I'm going to attempt to be productive; we'll see if I actually succeed.

-PW

A synopsis of my love-life.

2008-09-24T03:15:00.007+02:00

I don't really have much of one.

***Warning: This entry talks candidly, although not explicitly, about gay sex.***

I've been back at school for about a month now, but it's only recently that I've started incidentally running into Flippy Hair again, which is strange considering he lives down the hall from me.

Anyway, so I've been running into him a lot lately, and I find the old feelings coming back. Not the 'desperately want to kiss you every time I see you' feelings that I had last winter, but I still find him very attractive, in fact more so now than before.

We first met on a dating site last summer, but we never really did anything. Then last fall when I moved into my new dorm, I discovered that he lived just down the hall. For most of that fall semester, I thought he was cute and sort of admired him from afar, but not as creepily as that makes it sound. We actually met in person for real when I joined the musical revue group, of which he happened to be a member. That's when the feelings really started to develop, when we were seeing each other at almost daily rehearsals. After the big performance of the year at the end of February, we saw each other less often, but still on a semi-regular basis, since we were neighbors.

So eventually I worked up the nerve to tell him I found him attractive. Well, sort of. I posted it anonymously in his Facebook Honesty Box. For those of you not familiar with Honesty Box, it can show you the gender of the anonymous posters, so seeing that comment coming from a male, he was intrigued and replied asking who I was. I pussyfooted around for a bit, but eventually revealed myself. After that, he never responded, and I felt worthless and rejected.

Anyway, the musical revue group is now having regular meetings again, even though it's the off-season and we're not allowed to start learning our act until December - said musical revue show is a strictly regulated competition and an old tradition at my unnamed Baptist university - so I'm seeing Flippy Hair more often, and boy does he look great. I've pretty much gotten over the pain from this spring, so thankfully it hasn't been awkward. In fact, it's almost as if it never even happened.

On a somewhat different note, I think Lip Ring is ignoring me again. He and I met on the same aforementioned dating site this spring. It was recently after my rejection by Flippy Hair, and I was trying to move past it. We met in person for the first time at a concert in town, but it was really awkward and he ended up having to leave early to deal with a friend's crisis. After the concert, he texted me saying something along the lines of 'I can tell you don't like me. It's okay.' I responded with the truth, that I liked him just fine, but that I was just a shy person, inexperienced at dating and awkward around new people.

So we decided to make a fresh start. A week or two later, we met again to have some one-on-one time, very chill. We got some food at Wendy's and then went back to his apartment, where we started watching Donnie Darko, his favorite movie which I had never seen. Two gay guys sitting on a couch in an empty apartment with the lights off. Needless to say, we didn't get very far into the movie. It started with a kiss and moved on from there. About an hour later, we were both naked and we moved to the bedroom, where we had the best sex I've ever had. Not that I have too much to compare it to. It wasn't mind-blowing, but at least it was actually good, as opposed to sex with Pepper, which had been more or less an exercise in futility.

Oh, Pepper, that was an interesting time. He was the first person to whom I ever came out. It was so cheesy. I was barely 17 years old, and at 20 he seemed to mature and world wise. But I was stupid and naïve and was blown away by anyone who was already out of the closet. Anyway, I got to know him from being in a community theatre production of Beauty and the Beast. I played Gaston. He was a pepper shaker, hence the moniker. So we had been subtly flirting for the past couple weeks of rehearsal, and after our first performance and on the way to meet the rest of the main cast for dinner, he asked me if I was gay and I said yes. After dinner, he drove me to my house, talking the whole way about being gay. When we got to my house and it was time to say goodbye, he kissed me, and I stayed in the car. After making out for about 15 minutes, we moved the car to a darker spot down the block, and that was when I got my first blow job. But for some reason, I don't really know why, I wasn't really getting much out of it. Maybe I was just nervous. Anyway, we eventually gave up and I went home.

The next day, he wanted me to go with him to his apartment after the show, but his best friend, also on the cast, was having a party at her place that night and it would have been rude not to go. We had a nice, open time there, hanging out and playing spin the bottle with other cast members. Then on the third day of performances, we had two shows in one day, and then that was when I went with him to his apartment. It began like any other 'date': sitting on the couch, kissing, and eventually clothes coming off. He hadn't thought it out very well, though. He had no condoms and no lube. We ended up having sex bareback (of which I am not at all proud) using cold cream as lube. The cold cream worked alright as lubrication, but it kind of made me numb, so again I was unable to finish and we eventually gave up. As a result of that, he thereafter didn't want me to use a condom, thinking it would make me last even longer. At least from then on, he made sure to have lube handy.

Still, we had sex on a semi-regular basis for a few months after that, always bareback (again, not at all proud of that) and never anything that I would actually call 'good.' It didn't help that, as an actor, he overacted his reaction to me being inside him, always moaning and shouting in such obviously fake ecstasy. I kept trying to shush him under the guise of making sure his neighbors didn't hear, but really I was just trying to get him to shut up because it was really distracting.

Despite the so-so sex, I still wanted to have a real relationship with Pepper. He felt otherwise. He said he 'didn't want to spoil what we had' and wanted for us to just continue being friends with benefits. I felt a bit cheap, but I said okay, hoping that he would eventually want a relationship. That situation lasted from July until about November, by which time our meetings had become less and less frequent until we just didn't see each other at all. About two months later, I read in his Xanga that he was in love and had a boyfriend. I cried a lot that night. That scarred me pretty deeply and I spent the next two years wondering why I wasn't good enough.

Fast forward to my encounter with Lip Ring. It felt so good to have some sense of intimacy. That was about a month after the rejection by Flippy Hair, and I was still carrying the Pepper baggage, not to mention the fact that I was very sexually frustrated after the dry spell of more than two years. Lip Ring and I were supposed to meet up again about two weeks after the first time, but he ended up going to Austin with his friends instead. I was a little upset, but I decided to let it go; we could meet up another time. We eventually met up at a popular coffee shop just off campus, along with one of his good friends. We had a nice time talking about various things, all the while flirting on Y!IM on our laptops. I went back home before it was too late. It was close to finals, after all.

And that was the last time I saw him. That was May. We went a while without talking, because he never seemed to be online. Then in early August, we finally IMed again. He said that he was feeling frisky and was wondering if I was up for some fun. I said I was. He said he wanted to have sex outside, like at the lake or something. I wasn't too sure about that, but I figured I would play it by ear. So we agreed that he would come pick me up at a specific time a couple hours later. I showered, shaved, fixed my hair, and put on one of my favorite outfits. I texted him directions to my house and then waited for him to come. But he never came. He wouldn't answer his phone or respond to any of my texts or Facebook messages. He stood me up and was now ignoring me.

Time went by, I came back to school, and then I finally received a text from him in mid-September, in which he asks if I would be interested in having a threesome with him and another guy. I had noticed in the month that he was ignoring me that he had gotten a boyfriend, as evidenced by his Facebook. I asked him who the third guy in the threesome would be, and when he named someone other than his boyfriend, I knew something was fishy. I asked if his boyfriend knew about this planned threesome. He said no, at which point I flat out said no to fooling around with him at all. We had a long conversation about why he was wanting to cheat on his boyfriend and what I thought he should do, i. e. not cheat on his boyfriend and talk with his boyfriend about the problems he was having. After a great deal of convincing, he finally agreed to talk to his boyfriend about it that evening, and I told him to let me know how it went.

The next day, his Facebook disappeared completely. I don't know if he blocked me or if he deleted his Facebook or what. He also has not been on Y!IM or AIM since. He is still my friend on Myspace, so I sent him a message asking him what the deal was. Myspace tells me that the message was read a few days ago, but he has not responded. I just sent him another message a few minutes ago, addressing the fact that he seems to be ignoring me again. We'll see how that works out.

In my rational mind, I have eliminated almost all thoughts of trying to be anything more to him than a friend, but it will have to be up to him to decide whether I will even be that or if I will become a stranger.

I realize that this is a rather long and heavy post, but I figured a bit more exposition was in order.

That's all for now.

-PW

An introduction.

2008-09-23T09:03:00.002+02:00

You can call me Phillip Wilde. I am a young gay man, forced to stay in the closet for a handful of complicated reasons.

The number one reason is that I attend a Baptist university in central Texas which shall not be named in this blog. Said Baptist university has a nasty habit of taking scholarships away from students when they come out of the closet, and I simply cannot afford to have that happen. I would have to drop out of school, and that is simply unthinkable to me.

The second reason is that my parents are not exactly accepting of homosexuality. I know I am certainly not the only gay person who has had to deal with this. In fact, most of us do. But although my parents are not the type of people who would react violently to my coming out, I am still very afraid of how they may react. My mother has some very backward views on homosexuality, including that it is caused in all cases by demonic possession. Yeah, it's messed up. My dad doesn't really voice his opinion on the subject much, but he does somewhat frequently use the word 'faggot,' along with other comparable offensive words in reference to other groups, on which I usually call him.

My other reasons for staying in the closet are pretty much the same as anyone else's. I worry that people will think of me differently. It's really silly that they would, since coming out of the closet doesn't change who I am, just what people know about me, but I know that it happens all the time. I'm afraid of the disapproving looks; I'm afraid of people talking behind my back about something over which I have no control.

Speaking of that, I can't believe that anyone could think that homosexuality is a choice. Why on earth would I choose to be ostracized and discriminated against? It is just the way I am, and people should just accept that.

I hesitate to explore the origins of homosexuality in any way. It makes me think of the subplot in Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West in which the Wizard is trying to discover the origin of the Animals so that he can find a way to eliminate them. I honestly hope that homosexuality is not genetic as some people claim for that very reason - that people will try to snuff it out if we find out what causes it. It would really be a genocide of a different sort.

All that being said, I am not completely closeted. If I were, I would have lost my mind years ago. So here's a breakdown of how much I am in and out of the closet:

People with whom I am completely out and open and with whom I discuss it regularly:
My small group of very close friends here at school
A handful of other close friends from various other places
A guy with whom I had something going a few months ago, hereafter referred to as Lip Ring

People who know I'm gay, but we don't really talk about it:
Most of the secondary and some of the tertiary friends connected to my group of close friends
The youngest of my three older sisters
Various people with whom I did community theatre a few years ago
Various people with whom I went to high school
Another semi-closeted guy at my school on whom I had a major crush last year, hereafter referred to as Flippy Hair

People who know I am gay, but we don't really talk at all:
More various people with whom I went to high school
One guy with whom I had something going a couple years ago, hereafter referred to as Pepper

Places where I make my homosexuality plain:
Gay-friendly nightclubs
Gay-friendly neighborhoods, such as the Castro in San Francisco or Oak Lawn in Dallas

Places where/people with whom I neither broadcast nor make any real effort to hide my homosexuality:
Renaissance festivals - I've been performing at them for a few years now
The musical revue group in which I perform at my school
The general public

People with whom I occasionally discuss homosexuality, but not specifically in reference to me:
My other two sisters, who both would probably have no problem with me coming out - they probably already know anyway
Various cousins and other relatives, whose views vary
My parents, whose views are described above
Various professors and fellow students, whose views vary

Places where/people with whom I never discuss homosexuality:
Almost any religious setting
Almost anyone involved in the administration at my unnamed Baptist university

I suppose that will have to do for now. More posts of varying topics, mostly gay-themed, will follow.

-PW