That for me, it isn't over.

People always say that it's hard to get over your first love, but I thought I would be further along by now.

It's not like I'm trying to get Lomond back. It just that I still think of him every day. He always seemed so sad, even when he was happy, and I wonder how he's doing. I saw him this past Friday at the Homecoming bonfire of our beloved unnamed Baptist university, but we didn't talk to each other. I'm not sure that he even noticed me.

That was just a day after I realized just how not over him I am. So here's the story.

A few weeks ago, I started messaging back and forth with this guy from PlentyofFish, let's call him Glatze. I wasn't particularly interested at first, but he kind of grew on me. Eventually our messages came to the point of being dirty, and hey, we were both lonely and horny. No harm in helping each other out. It only started to bother me when the dirty messages started to outnumber the non-dirty. I knew then that this probably wasn't the guy for me.

But anyway, he made plans to come up from Houston to see me on Halloween, and I actually had a pretty good time. First, I was doing a weapons and armor display at the local zoo's Halloween event, walking around in a full suit of plate armor and letting people punch me with a buckler. I had him meet me there at the zoo, and it was fun. Once the zoo event ended, he and I finally got to have a proper conversation, and we decided to get dinner at the Vietnamese place in town, which was good, and then we went walking around downtown trying to find a good place to have drinks, but all the places I like were closed. So then we went to his hotel room.

And that's when the evening went downhill. Making out was nice. It made me feel alive. But as we started taking our clothes off to do stuff, my attraction to him waned. That was only the second time I ever did stuff with a guy when I really wasn't into it. (The other time was two years ago with Pendejo.) So yeah.

For a couple days, I struggled with feeling guilty. My epiphany came on Thursday when I had my music on shuffle, and I had to skip three songs in a row because they all reminded me of Lomond. I realized that I really wasn't ready to pursue something with someone else, because I still carry Lomond around with me. Glatze tried to invite me to his office Christmas party, and I told him I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth about not being interested in him until that night. But it was better to tell him sooner, rather than leading him on.

So that's over. Meanwhile, I think I'm finally backing off from my obsession with Adele's album 21. The whole album is about her breakup, approached from several different angles, and every song seems like it was written just for me.

So there you go. I think of Lomond when I listen to music, when I go shopping, when I drive past his house on the way to my Grandma's... I'll get there eventually.

But I'm not there yet.



-PW

Can I just say something?

I want to jump this guy's bones.



His name is Bastian, he calls himself the Wohnprinz and he lives in Lübeck, in northern Germany.

I've been subscribed to him on YouTube for months, ever since he was featured on an episode of Buck Factor, but this video pretty much pushed me over the edge. He wears Lederhosen and puts on a Bavarian accent, and for some reason, I find that incredibly sexy.

He is just so cute, funny, smart, and he has excellent taste. Plus, he's German. In other words, he's my future husband. I wish. We would have an impeccably decorated flat in Lübeck and a cozy vacation home in the Schwarzwald and we would adopt beautiful orphan babies and have a perfectly fabulous little German family.

If I ever met him in person, I would definitely have to fight the urge to pounce on him, rip his clothes off, and make love to him right then and there.

------------------------------------------

But enough about my obsession with a YouTube style guru who lives a third of the way around the world. I've sort of put myself back out there in the dating pool after taking a good while to get over the breakup with Lomond. I've revived my OkCupid account and joined PlentyofFish. I've had online conversations with several guys, and I had Starbuck's with one guy a couple weeks ago. Nothing has really come of it, since the pickings are pretty slim in my CenTex hometown, but that's okay for now, I guess. I'm not exactly in the best position to start dating anyone anyway, considering I live with my parents and have neither a job nor a car, but I'm working on that.

I'm generally feeling a lot better about myself than I was when I wrote my last post here. I've come to accept that there was nothing I could have done to stop the disintegration of my relationship with Lomond, and I've also more or less stopped being angry at Lomond for his actions. I even almost forgive him for telling me he doesn't want to be my friend when we met for Starbuck's a month ago, since he really can't help his emotional issues. He just needs to deal with them before he can have a successful relationship (which he himself realizes and which is why he stopped dating "Natasha").

So here we have a much calmer, much less teary Phillip Wilde, and I thank you all for being there for me.

And unfortunately, embedding has been disabled for the music video of my current happy song, so just click HERE.

-PW

It's hardest at night.

One year ago today, we were in New York, celebrating our half-anniversary with cannoli, prosecco, and purple orchids.

Two months ago tomorrow, he broke up with me.

One month ago tomorrow, we had our last face-to-face meeting. That day, I learned that he had been seeing someone new for two weeks. That means he only lasted a week and a half after dumping me before he went to someone else. In his defense, the other guy asked him out, but it was still a very uncomfortable revelation. I almost wish I didn't know who the other guy was, so I wouldn't be tempted to stalk his Facebook page every day. But I do know who the guy is. Never met the guy, but I know his name, where he works, where he's from, what he studied in college, whom we both know... And that he is now dating the man I thought I would someday marry.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City reruns on E! Because of this, I can't help but feel like Carrie, with Lomond as Mr. Big and the new guy as Natasha, the beautiful socialite Big meets and marries so soon after breaking Carrie's heart by giving up on their relationship. So naturally this Natasha-type's existence has been difficult to deal with.

Equally difficult to deal with were that meeting's other revelations. Apparently, Lomond had not been entirely honest with me about his reasoning on the day he broke up with me. The potential long-distance thing wasn't the real reason at all; it was just easier, more convenient. Really, he had been stewing on his issues with me for months without ever saying a word about them to me. I realize that this is how some people function, but it goes completely against everything I ever told him about my mentality. I have social issues. I think I'm mildly autistic. It's something I have worked very hard to overcome by studying social interactions like a subject in school. I have made great progress over the years to the point that most people don't really notice it anymore, but I still cannot always read people's emotions. He and I discussed this on several occasions, and on each occasion I always made sure to let him know that he could and should tell me about anything about me that is bothering him. I can't improve myself if I don't know I'm doing something wrong.

Any time I could tell something was bothering him, I always asked him what was wrong. He usually said it was something with his family or general "looking for my purpose in life" stuff. Not until our meeting last month did I learn that quite often he was actually thinking of things that bothered him about me but which he was too chicken-shit to tell me about: our 6-year age difference, the fact that I don't go to church, my social missteps, my involvement in faire, how confident I am in my sexuality, to name a few. By not bringing up problems until they were bad enough to end the relationship, he gave me a false sense that our relationship had no major problems, so that I was completely blindsided when he ended it. I would call that his biggest offense.

The age difference never seemed like such a big deal to me. I imagine it was probably exaggerated in his mind when I had to move back into my parents' house. I can get that I seemed younger than I am, living with my parents and having neither a job nor a driver's license. What bothers me most about this is that he never gave any indication that this was an issue.

The religion comment I feel was a little out of line. I realize that as a seminary graduate and church organist, religion is important to him. What he failed to recognize was that I went through years of disillusionment, disbelief, and tears, feeling that I could never be accepted into a church (or heaven, for that matter) because of who I was and whom I loved. I experimented with other belief systems, syncretism, and the like but nothing felt quite right. That was before I realize there was such a thing as an "open and affirming" church, at least not ones that maintain the traditions I love so much about church. Although I am eager to visit such churches and potentially find a spiritual home there, not having a means of transportation has limited this pursuit. I can't comfortably go to these churches with my fundamentalist mother. I'll save a more detailed description of my spiritual journey for another post, but it's safe to say that I am getting closer and closer to belief in Christianity all the time, which makes Lomond's religion comment seem a bit like a "How dare you?" moment.

The social missteps I have already addressed, and faire is something that makes me happy. I never tried to force him to like it, and I could tell that he didn't really get it. That didn't bother me. But it did bother him that it makes me unavailable for eight weekends in a row every spring. That's a common issue in relationships where one person does faire and the other doesn't. Not really sure how that could have been dealt with.

As for being secure in my sexuality, I think that was a jealousy issue. I came to terms with being gay when I was 17 and I never looked back, confident in my belief that there was nothing wrong with it. Meanwhile, I think he still has doubts about it as he approaches 29. While I can't fault him for that, as the journey to acceptance is different for everybody, I will not apologize for having reached the destination so much sooner than he. I tried to help him on his way in a non-forceful manner, but I could tell he was never quite comfortable being in public with me in the capacity of boyfriend, even in gay-friendly environments and among complete strangers we will probably never see again.

I was dealing with the break-up much better before that meeting last month. Since then, I have struggled with depression, obsession, insomnia, binge eating, and more recently loss of appetite. Most of the time I am at least comfortably numb, dedicating time and energy to other pursuits - nutritional consciousness (a more accurate term than "dieting"), baking, gardening, knitting, reading a new webcomic, watching movies, and listening to a lot of music, especially Lady Gaga's Born This Way album. As a result, I have lost five pounds in the past month, have a few new favorite movies, and know how to knit socks. I've also enrolled in a teacher certification program, which I should be able to start by the end of next week.

But as the title of this post suggests, nights are difficult. Since I stayed an extra year at the Unnamed Baptist university, most of my best friends moved away a year ago, and now having graduated, they've pretty much all left. That left me with Lomond and his group - small but tightknit and fun to be around. With the breakup, however, he got to keep the friends, since they were his to begin with. That leaves me vary much alone. Lomond was not just my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. His abrupt absence from my life, combined with separation from almost everyone I spend time with aside from my own troubled family, makes it very hard to stay home alone every night. That is when I can't sleep because I am thinking of him with "Natasha", when I feel unwanted and unneeded, when I hope my parents can't hear me sobbing into my pillow because I feel so painfully lonely.

This certainly isn't a daily occurrence, but when it does come to the surface, I just feel like I have no control. Tonight it was triggered by the knowledge that he was out with "Natasha" and our his friends on our sesquianniversary. I'm feeling better now writing this, having analyzed things, put them into perspective, and figured out what is bothering me. I have decided on the advice of one of our friends that on Monday (Lomond's next day off from work) I will have a serious conversation with him about how we're going to make this friendship work, including some of the thoughts I expressed in this post. Here's hoping we can come to some sort of agreement and that our friendship is not a lost cause.

I leave you with my music therapy du jour:



-PW

Hello, all.

WARNING: This post is very long and possibly depressing. It also talks candidly, but not at all explicitly about sex.

My last post was about a generally positive experience. This one not so much.

Just over four weeks ago, May 17 to be exact, Lomond and I broke up. Amicable, but that doesn't make it suck any less. So here's what happened:

Back on May 4 (May the Fourth be with you), I was in study days before final exams and Lomond had the day off, so he picked me up and we went to the old Rock Church in Norse, TX, because it is one of his favorite places and I had never been. We had a nice time looking at the beautiful old church and walking through the churchyard and smiling at all the delightful Norwegian names on the headstones.

On the drive back, however, he started talking about things. About how he feels drawn back to Africa, where he spent a summer interning for a charity a few years ago. About how he needs to be doing something to improve the world. About how his life here seems meaningless. We had been talking like this for about 30 minutes when I realized he was trying to break up with me. By then, we were getting back into town. We were on one of the main drags in town when the tears started building up in my eyes, but I don't know that he noticed yet, since my glasses have wide side pieces. We barely got inside his house before I fell apart. This then set him off the same way. He said he couldn't stand to see me cry.

I don't really remember how the ensuing conversation went, but it ended with weepy kissing and the discovery that he was out of condoms. So no break-up sex; just break-up fooling around. Afterward, I think we watched the previous night's Glee on Hulu before he took me home.

I held it together well enough that night, listened to some sad music. Then as I was about to go to bed, he called me having a very hard time with it, saying he didn't know whether he had done the right thing. I told him to go to bed and see how he felt in the morning.

The next afternoon, he says he needs to see me, so he comes to pick me up and we go to his house. Basically, he couldn't stop thinking that he had made a mistake. He had been talking to a few friends about it, and one of them pointed out that the conversation had been very one-sided, that he had not given me an opportunity to give my input on the matter. This friend also asked him, "This feeling that you made a mistake, is it in your head or in your gut?" Lomond said that it was in his gut. He also told me that he had realized how silly it was to end something good just because of the idea of going back to Africa when he had no idea when that might actually happen. So we agreed we had both made a silly mistake - him for suggesting it and me for going along with it - and we got back together. We made a run to the drugstore and had amazing make-up sex.

That weekend at faire, I confided in my friend Colour about what had happened, but didn't feel the need to tell anyone, since it was just a silly little hiccup. The next Tuesday, Lomond and I had our usual date night/Glee viewing followed by what may have been the best sex I've ever had. Just saying. That Saturday, he took a few hours from work to see me graduate from the Unnamed Baptist University, but had to go back to work before lunch.

But the next Tuesday (the aforementioned May 17), when we picked me up for our usual date night, I could tell something was bothering him. We were back at his house before we got to the heart of matter. He was having the same feelings as two weeks previous. I made it fairly clear that I may have just sat there and listened the first time, but I was going to stand my ground this time. When he kept bringing up all the same things he had before, I kept saying variations of "I'm not giving up on this." He asked what I thought we would do if he did go to Africa for 6 months, a year, or longer. I said we could deal with that when it was actually happening, but that I was willing to do long distance. I kept citing CSI Friend, whose husband is in Iraq for a year, as an example that it's hard, but doable. He kept saying that he didn't think he could do it. I realize that it was happening again and I went into defense mode. I said we would never know unless we tried, that we shouldn't give up on what we had just because it might be hard, that I wasn't going anywhere.

Then the song "And I Am Telling You" from Dreamgirls started playing in my head. For those not familiar, this song is sung by a woman who refuses to admit that her diva antics have ruined her career and pushed away the man she loved. She is fighting tooth and nail for something that is already gone. That is when I fell apart, buried my face in the bed and when Lomond questioned, I said, "I'm pathetic. I'm like Effie White, fighting to save something that's already gone."

By the time that conversation was done, it was almost time for Glee, so he ordered a pizza. In my mind, I thought, "You just broke up with me for the second time in two weeks. You can certainly buy me dinner." The Glee funeral episode, pizza, beer, and then several episodes of The United States of Tara. And that's how that night ended. The only people I told about it that weekend were Colour and Gelfling, but word spread around a bit. That's okay.

On his suggestion, we still got together the next Tuesday for the season finale of Glee. We picked up Panda Express and a bottle of wine on the way. I paid for the wine before he could even get to the counter. Glee was good, as were the wine and the Chinese food. We watched even more United States of Tara, and I got hooked. The evening seemed only minimally awkward, and I thought it was a good step toward staying friends, which he first suggested and which we both agreed we wanted to do.

We let the next week go by, which is probably a good thing, since my birthday was in that week, and it probably would have been awkward, especially considering how sweet he was on my last birthday. But then last Monday, I asked how he was doing and whether he wanted to hang out some time soon, since I had the once-lost English version of The Blue Angel on Netflix, and he said sure, since he loves foreign films, so we made plans for the next day. That day, however, while I was out on my first jog of my most recent health kick, he sent me a text saying that it seemed too soon. I responded that I was just making an effort to stay friends, but that I understood if he was feeling uncomfortable. Not that I wanted to be so understanding. I wanted to scream.

Now I feel like a selfish bitch, because he was supposed to put The United States of Tara on my new external drive. I mean, I want to see him too, I want to stay friends with him, but I still have my selfish motivations for wanting to see him. I'm thinking about texting him tomorrow to see if he wants to hang out. I have Heißer Sommer on Netflix. Maybe he won't be able to turn down a campy East German musical from the 60s.

I'll let you know how things go.

-PW

A milestone

I won't apologize for my lack of updates over the past few months, because it's just that I've just been busy and happy, nothing interesting to report.

But the past week or so has been monumental. Today, January 2, 2011, I came out to my mother.

Backing up, on December 18, 2010, I finally met Lomond's parents. He had called them to let them know that I would be at his choir concert in Austin, which they were also attending, so that they wouldn't be blind-sided by my presence. The wonderful thing was that Lomond's mom then said without needing to be asked, "Of course I would like to meet him." So he and I texted a bit when he wasn't on stage at the concert and decided he would come get me when it was over and then we would both approach them. It was a little awkward at first, as to be expected, and we could tell his dad was much more uncomfortable than his mom, but then she suggested we get something to eat before we drove back up to CenTex and they drove back up to the D/FW Metroplex. Over dinner, we didn't discuss our relationship, nor did it feel like a job interview. The Lomond family just had their normal conversation, and I joined in whenever I could. Overall, not bad. His dad even cracked a few jokes. Later on, Lomond's parents told him that I seemed very nice. I think that's what they needed, really - to see that I'm not a drag queen or a rent boy, but rather a regular nice guy.

Meanwhile, Lomond has been applying to doctorate programs in the Northeast, and if he goes, I'm going with him. Of course my family would expect some explanation as to why I was willing to move across country to be with him, so I decided I really needed to finish coming out to them. On December 17, an opportunity presented itself. While preparing to go to Austin and attend an Old-Fashioned Piano Party that night, I tried to make up for my lack of a haircut by trimming the little poofy curls on my temples that I hate so much. Bad idea.



I royally messed it up and had to make an emergency appointment with Sister #3, the hair stylist. While she was fixing my screw up, I mentioned that I was going to a party with Lomond and some of his friends. When she asked, "So who exactly is [Lomond], I gave her a look in the eyes which said, "I think you already know." Naturally, she was happy for me and wanted to know more about him, said that she and Sister #1 had been speculating about it, and asked when she would get to meet him.

That was when I made a plan:
I would have him meet all three sisters while they were all around for Christmas. Then they would be able to give support and vouch for how wonderful Lomond is when I finally came out to Mom later in the break - after New Year's, I decided, when people had left and stress was somewhat lower.

The mass meeting was set for the evening of December 26, under the guise of going to Starbucks and hanging out "just us kids." Sisters #1-3 and Sister #2's husband went with me to Starbucks to meet up with Lomond. It went rather well. Like the meeting with his parents, we more or less had the same conversation we would have had anyway, with just some casual questions about him and a clear acknowledgment of our relationship. It was nice, Sister #2 talked about how good a match we were all the way home, and Lomond said that although he was a bit quiet, he felt at home, that my siblings reminded him of his cousins up in NorTex.

With that under my belt, it remained only to come out to my parents. Today, despite us both feeling under the weather, Mom and I had a relatively good day. While she was out at the store, I decided tonight was the night. I dug out from their hiding place the booklets I had gotten at Austin Pride, and skimmed once more through PFLAG's "Our Daughters and Sons" before hiding it again somewhere more accessible.

When Mom got home, we ended up talking about various things as I waited for the right moment. It didn't come until after we both ate dinner and watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Desperate Housewives. She said she was going to check her e-mail and then go to bed. Once she was done, this is more or less how it went:

Phillip Wilde: So you're pretty tired, then?
Mom: Yeah... is something wrong?
PW: No, nothing's wrong.
Mom: Something's wrong, I can tell.
PW: No. N-nothing is wrong.
Mom: If you have something to tell me, just tell me.
PW: You and I are pretty close, and I wouldn't want anything to change that...
Mom: Uh-huh...
PW: But I feel like I haven't been completely honest with you... Mom,... I'm gay.
*pause*
Mom: I can believe that.

So she had had an inkling for sure. Which is good, because she would have to be pretty much blind not to. I mean, I haven't exactly been discreet about how much time I spend with Lomond. So after that was a long, drawn-out exchange of "Why'd you choose this?"/"I didn't choose it."/"God can change it if you ask."/"It's how God made me and I don't want to change."/"It's not what God wants."/"I think God made all kinds of different people and likes is that way." und so weiter, und so weiter. Eventually I said that it was just a different side of love, which made her ask whether I was in love. "Yes."/"With [Lomond]?"/"Yes."/"God has something better for you, and I don't mean a guy." I gave her the PFLAG booklet and asked her to read it. She said she would, but that it wouldn't change her mind, that her beliefs are too deep. I replied that this is part of who I am, and that won't ever be changed.

That's pretty much where it left off. She assured me that she will always love me unconditionally, but that she will be praying for God to turn my heart. Not perfect, but it could have been much worse. I still have a family, a place to live, and at least I've taken the first step. Now I honestly believe that she just needs time to think, to come around and realize that this is how I am and how I will always be. I texted Lomond, my sisters, and several savvy friends, and the responses have all been loving and affirming. I really do love you all and appreciate your support.

I'll update later when there is more to say, but for now, I'll leave you with Rufus:



-PW

Allow me to gush a bit.

I love Lomond so much. He is so sweet and thoughtful and I feel so lucky every day that I am with him.

On my birthday back in May, he came to the renfaire where I was working, wearing the outfit I picked out for him, and was very happy to be introduced to my friends as "mine". Once the faire closed for the day, we went back to his house and he said, "Don't come in the kitchen!" When he finally did allow me into the kitchen, he was standing there holding a slice of cheesecake with a candle in it.

My heart melted. I had told him once that I liked cheesecake, and he had made me one. Then he pointed to the table behind me and said "And those are for you." There stood a bundle of beautiful orange lilies. My heart melted even more.

Then we walked into his bedroom and said "And open that drawer." Inside, I found this:



Yep, he bought me a book with all the music and lyrics to my favorite musical of all time, Company. And inside the book was this card:



Yeah, I got me a good one.

Then in July, he and I went to New York for a week. We had a wonderful time, exploring the city organically, meeting up with my friend Schu, a couple of his friends, and celebrating our sixth monthaversary. We spent our special day exploring Greenwich Village and eating dinner at Caffè Palermo, known as the "Cannoli King of Little Italy". We gleefully declared six months to be the cannoli anniversary. Delish.

We also saw the Sondheim classic A Little Night Music, starring Bernadette Peters!



And Elaine Strich (the original Joanne from Company)!



Ms. Strich didn't stop to chat when she came out, but Ms. Peters was working the crowd. Unfortunately, I was completely speechless when I had a chance to talk to her, but she did sign my Playbill!

Anyway, New York was fabulous, but now we're back in Texas, and tomorrow is his birthday. Now I'm stressing a bit about what I could do for him to show how much I love and appreciate him. I'll figure something out.

Now enjoy some Scissor Sisters:



-PW

P.S. Lomond and I have been together seven months today. :D

[/treacle]

Basic update

I haven't posted in a while, but there really hasn't been much to say.

Lomond and I are still going strong and quite happy with each other.

Faire is going well. It feels good to be back.

Lomond and I are going to New York for a week in July. We found an amazing deal on a hotel on the Upper West Side.

He and I are also going with some friends to the Austin Pride in June. First pride for both of us.

And my 22nd birthday is next Sunday. I will be at faire. And so will Lomond. |D And I'm putting him in garb. It will be awesome.

So yeah, things are going pretty well.

And now, just for fun, I leave you with a look at what my blog would look like if it were designed on Geocities by a 13-year-old in 1996.

Enjoy!

-PW

Some people never change.

Last night, around 1 am, when I was about to go to bed, I get a text from a number that's not in my phone. It reads:

+1713XXXXXXX: Hey boo

I googled the area code and found that it was a Houston number. I thought, who on earth do I know from Houston who would text me in the middle of the night and call me 'boo', but whose phone number I don't have? I thought maybe it was a wrong number, so I replied:

Phillip Wilde: Who is this?
+1713XXXXXXX: [Lip ring]

(Oh shit, what the hell does he want?)

PW: Oh. What's up?
Lip Ring: Nm. Visiting [my central Texas town]
LR: Single

(That whore! He probably thinks I'm going to hook up with him just because he's single again. *gags*)


PW: Well good for you. I'm not.
LR: Umm ok just saying hi
LR: Rude
PW: Wasn't trying to be rude. Just letting you know up front.
LR: I wasn't looking for dick...just sayimg [sic] hi
PW: Never said you were. I just thought that since you established that you're single, it seemed appropriate to establish that I'm not.

(Three minutes without a response.)

PW: So how are you doing?
LR: Just drinking.. u?
LR: [blank message]

(That's not a response to "how are you doing?", you dumbass. That's a response to "what are you doing?".)

PW: Doing schoolwork.

(Seven minutes without a response.)

PW: I guess you're not going to say anything else then.

(Another seven minutes without a response.)

PW: Okay then. I'm going to bed. Have fun with whatever it is you're doing wherever you're doing it.

------------------------

Then around 10 this morning, I was actually feeling a bit guilty about how I spoke to him last night, so I sent him this text:

PW: I realize I was a bit short with you last night, but you should know why. You didn't exactly treat me well in the past.

I didn't get a response, but I figured maybe he was just still asleep. Later, a bit after 1 this afternoon, I send him this:

PW: If you want to mend this bridge, I'm willing to cooperate, but you have to make the first step.

And I meant it. I'm tired of being bitter. If he would just bloody apologize, show some damn remorse, I would forgive him. Certainly not forget, but at least maybe then I could stop caring about what he did. I thought I had already gotten to that point, but hearing from him again brought back all those old desires to kick him in the crotch.

When it got to be almost 6:30 this evening, it seemed pretty clear that he was ignoring my texts. Typical. So the last thing I sent him said:

PW: Gone back to your old standard of ignoring me, I see. Let me know when you're done behaving like a three-year-old.

------------------------

So basically, he's still the same asshole he always has been. Maybe some day, he'll realize that and cut it the fuck out. Not likely, but a boy can dream, can't he?

So glad that Lomond is sane. I wish I hadn't had to turn down several invitations to go out with him this week, but I am buried beneath an entire mountain range of schoolwork, and being the thrice university graduate he is, he understands. Hallelujah!

Now for sleep. I am determined to dig myself out from underneath this crap by the time I go to bed on Monday.

-PW

A return and some pleasant news

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

In the postscript to my last post, I alluded to something having happened. Well that happened and quickly fizzled out. Let's just call the guy "Pendejo" and move on.

Anyway, January rolls around and I join a different, much more reputable dating site, one that measures compatibility and all that crap. No, not that one. A free one without discriminatory policies. Within a week, I was talking to about five or six different guys with varying rates of seriousness. Eventually, one who actually was in my town suggested we meet for coffee. I was a little wary and not really sure how interested I was in this guy, particularly because he was six years older than I am and did not seem to photograph well. But not wanting to be rude, I made myself look all purty and scheduled a coffee date at the local coffee shop on the edge of campus, about three hours before my German class, so I could have an out if I wanted one, but we could also have a decent amount of time to talk if we hit it off.

Well, we hit it off. That first coffee date was a little awkward, but it's always a little awkward meeting someone new, especially when you're both semi-closeted gay men trying to keep a low profile at a coffee shop frequented by students and professors from the unnamed Baptist university of which I am a student and he is an alumnus. We both ran into people we knew, at which times the other just stood there quietly. Hanyway, so it turns out that we have rather similar interests. We both love music and languages, but while I chose to focus on studying languages, he focused on music. He holds a BM and an MM from the unnamed Baptist university. And an MDiv, but let's not get into that right now. He has also now applied to an MA program in French at a certain large state university in our state's capital. So yeah, he's definitely an educated guy.

And I know this sounds a bit rush-y, but four days and three dates later we each had our first boyfriend. He's a bit of a late bloomer, which makes the age difference not seem like as big of a deal. So we've been together for two and a half months now. He's met my best friends; I've met his. We're both busy people with wonky, unbalance schedules, so we don't get see each other every day, but that works just fine for us. It keeps us both from getting to clingy. We do have some sort of contact every day, be it a phone call, text message, or Facebook whatever, but at this point, we don't really need to see each other every day.

When we are together, we talk about music, languages, politics, and our lives, interspersed with beer, wine, food, clever Britcom, beautiful Danish films, and various amorous activites. It's always a pleasant experience.

So yes, I have a boyfriend, and for the purposes of this blog, he shall be called "Lomond".

In other news, I am buried beneath a mountain of schoolwork, trying to dig myself out in order to graduate. I'll be fine. Just thought I'd

Now I leave you with a video of the song "Prom Tonight" from the 2001 comedy classic Not Another Teen Movie, because it's been stuck in my head all damn day.



You may recognize a few actors who later went on to a good amount of fame, namely Chyler Leigh of Grey's Anatomy, Chris Evans of the Fantastic Four, and Jaime Pressly of My Name Is Earl. See? Good things can come from doing a silly parody film.

Goodnight, all.

-PW

Pardon the vulgar metaphor...

But life is kind of shitting all over me right now.

But since I'm the idiot who positioned himself directly beneath life's ass, I have no one to blame but myself for the steaming pile in which I am currently lying.

Not going to go into too much detail, but basically I'm a dumbass who constantly repeats the same dumbass mistakes. I still have my hopeful outlook that things will eventually be better, but right now I have a lot of self-inflicted life-feces to wade through before that can happen.

Don't worry about me, though. I'll deal with it like I always do.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

-PW

P.S. - Since my last post, there actually has been an event in my life relevant to this blog's original theme, but I don't feel like blogging about it right now. I'll tell y'all about it once I've gotten some sleep and had a few beers.

Thoughts of the Future

Yesterday, I was in the car with my Mom. She was taking me back to my apartment after spending a few hours at her place. We weren't really talking much. It wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable silence. We were just tired.

Then, in my head, I started thinking about how I should come out to my Mom.

Mom, we need to talk. You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you, but there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change it...

Thankfully it was dark, so she couldn't see how red my ears got just at the thought of it. I wanted to say it right then, but I knew that was a terrible place and an inconvenient time. So I still don't know when I will come out to Mom, but at least I have decided how I'm going to start it.

Sorry this isn't a very interesting post. I just felt the need to put it down in words. And it's not like I have that many readers anyway.

-PW

A smile and a sigh

I just realized that the day after my last post was this blog's first birthday, so happy belated birthday to this silly little outlet of mine.

But the reason I'm here is that it's National Coming Out Day. I am so glad that we've come so far, that we have a day dedicated to being open and happy with who you are. I am sad, however, that we still have so far to go and that I have to let another National Coming Out Day pass me by without any bold action on my part.

It's not that I don't want to, but well, y'all know why I can't.

But I'm content enough with my current situation: out to some, in to others. It's just until I graduate anyway. In the meantime, I need to focus on my schoolwork - reading, writing, researching, studying, taking the GRE, writing my thesis, applying to Master's programs, and so on.

I still don't know when and how I can come out to my parents, and I know I can never be truly out to the world without being out to them. That's another big hurdle. What I've always said is that I would come out to my parents once I lived in a different town. Hopefully, I will be this time next year, at grad school somewhere.

For now, all I can do is just dance.

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

Live your life and love it.

-PW

In which I am a total pop culture whore

Since I don't really have any relationship-type news to report, I'll instead discuss some things that have been on my mind/in my life that have been kind of camp.

While I was in Germany, I really got to love H&M, for cheap, fun and stylish clothes. I was very sad to find that there are no H&M stores in Texas, so in an attempt to recapture my H&M love, I went to my local XXI Forever (big store containing all the Forever 21 brands, including the men's brand Heritage 1981). Okay, so their selection for men is definitely more limited than H&M's. An H&M store is about 50% women's, 25% men's and 25% kids'. XXI Forever is about 85% women's, 15% men's. Still, I managed to find a couple things I liked. I ended up just buying a jacket and one of those lightweight scarves that white people love so much.

Here's a photo of me wearing both:



I have also taken to sitting with my legs crossed at the knee, have taken up knitting once again, and am greatly enjoying my yoga class. And last but certainly not least, since the VMAs I have become mildly obsessed with Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, P!nk and Beyoncé.

So have a video of each of them, namely their VMA performances:

TSwift - cute and fun

New Music - More Music Videos

Gaga - weird, but totally fabulous

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

P!nk - bad outfit, but artistic and inspirational

P!nk - New Music - More Music Videos

Beyoncé - Totally (Sasha) Fierce

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

My favorite parts of this one are seeing butch lesbian asexual comic Paula Poundstone getting totally into it while looking dreadful at 1:48 and the tone-deaf blonde girl at 3:10.

Also, in the wake of the VMAs, this wonderful cover of "Single Ladies" was brought to my attention:


So I guess that's about it.

Take care.

-PW

Oh, and Kanye's an idiot.

Comfortably Numb

Today, as of two hours ago, is CSI Friend's 21st birthday. To celebrate, we went out bar-hopping here in my central Texas town. To say that I am tipsy would be an understatement, but luckily I know when to stop. I stop when I am still happy. And right now I am happy as a redneck at an NRA rally.

Just so you know: Skittles dissolved in vodka = orgasm in liquid form. Seriously, give it a try.

I'm not really worrying about finding a relationship right now. Tonight will be spent with good old Dextera and Sinistra, that's alright with me. ;D

Have some music:



-PW

Return to tedium

Well, I haven't been blogging lately, but there honestly hasn't been anything relevant to this blog happening in my life. I've just been busy with schoolwork and stuff with my roommates (CSI Friend, Teacher Friend, and KoP).

Here, have a video:



That's been one of my favorites for a couple years now.

Hopefully something interesting (in a good way) will happen soon, so I can actually give y'all something to read.

-PW

Feelings return

Well, I am back safely in my boring central Texas town.

I have spent the last few days seeing people, including CSI Friend, Koopa, Pandora and my family. I have also spoken with Geordie twice on Skype and am missing Germany quite a bit.

And well, there hasn't been anything interesting to post here since I got back, but just now logged onto Facebook and saw something. The Environmentalist had recorded a video and posted it on Facebook, and as soon as I saw it, I was reminded of why I had been crushing on him before I put that part of my life on hold to go to Germany. He was just so cute and sweet and I got all full of butterflies.

I think this really is different from my other crushes. He and I just seem so compatible. He seems like a guy who could really understand me. He's quirky and loves costuming and baking and music and renfaires too. 'Adorkable' is probably the best word to describe him.

I feel silly that I just got back and I'm already back to crushing. I won't be participating in the musical revue group this semester, so I won't have an easy excuse to spend a lot of time around him. I don't know if I should even do anything about it, especially since I only have one year left at the unnamed Baptist university, but he has two more, and I have no intention of staying in my boring central Texas town after graduation.

I just don't know. I'm sure he's not as perfect as he is in my mind, but he really does seem like one of the good guys, and I bet I will always regret it if I don't try something. He really seems like the kind of person I would set up with me if I were someone else. We're both weird, and in a lot of the same ways.

Oh blah. I feel like a little schoolboy whenever I think of him. Just getting these thoughts out there.

And now, a lovely song:



-PW

All good things must come to an end.

I saw Kalender on Tuesday night. We sat and talked in a pretty public garden in town. He kept asking if I was ever coming back here. I told him the truth: that it really pains me to leave, and I would love to come back, but there's no telling when I'll be able to.

We then went back to his place and watched the last three episodes of Firefly. It really is a shame it was cancelled. It was a wonderful series. Now I need to see Serenity. Afterward, we started kissing. It was a bit slow starting, but we eventually moved on to stuff, and I stayed the night. Woke up the next morning, got dressed, gave him a kiss goodbye and went home.

I'm kind of sad how this is ending. I mean, I'm not in love, I don't have a crush on him. What we have is a bit more realistic. We enjoy each other's company and have some pleasant stuff. We're supposed to see each other again at some point before I leave. This is only one of many reasons why I'm really sad to leave Germany. I'm going to miss so much. After having lived in the same town in central Texas my whole life, both with my parents and at my unnamed Baptist university, I feel like I have finally found a city that is mine. I would consider living here full-time if I could.

Still, I do want to see my parents and sisters and niece and nephew and grandma, give them all big hugs.

This may be my last post from Germany. Ich werde dich vermissen, mein liebes Deutschland.

I felt the urge to listen to Kyo today, which is kind of funny, considering they're French. But anyway, here's one of my favorite songs by them, one which fits my melancholy mood:



Please ignore the cheesy graphics; it's the only video I could find with this song.

I guess that's all for now.

-PW

Catharsis

I haven't updated in a while, but there hasn't really been anything interesting and relevant to say.

I saw Kalender last Thursday. Nothing happened. Not even what had happened before happened. I was allowing for the possibility of things happening, but they didn't. Nothing huge to make it so that nothing happened. He just made a wrong decision and blew his chances for that night. I'm planning to see him again next Tuesday.

I have been involved in some recent drama. No names (or even pseudonyms) will be named and no details will be related to spare those involved, since both parties (this person and I) are at fault.

The drama had me very upset this evening, stirring up some of my old deep-seated insecurities and whatnot. Accordingly, I decided to watch my favorite film, and the best spiritual healing film ever made: Smoke Signals. It always hits just the right spot for me. It is a film that makes me laugh, cry, and be at peace with my life and the world. In other words, it is my 'calm the hell down' film.

I love every moment of this film, but the ending is the best. Watching the ending won't spoil the film, in case you decide to check it out on my recommendation (and I definitely recommend it), so here is one of the most amazing film moments ever:



I highly recommend playing the video through the end. The song that plays over the credits is very powerful.

"Wajeeleh-Yihm" by Ulali

The internets tell me that it is in the Tutelo-Saponi language and translates as follows:

Let him go
I will carry you
Let the water wash the spirit with us
Let it move away on the river
I must let you go
Again, you have come back, good

I truly love this film. I notice new things each time I watch it, and I have seen it more times I can count, considering it's been my favorite film for about ten years now. I come to this film whenever I need healing, and it never fails me.

I honestly cannot recommend this film enough. I realize it may not be for all people, but it is certainly the film for me.

Forgive, but don't forget. Take every conflict as an opportunity to learn, to grow and to become a better person. And most importantly, never stop loving.

-PW

Well, I saw Kalender again this past Sunday. Third Sunday in a row. I hope we can see each other on a different say some time soon, so I don't always have to rush home because of class the next day.

We met at 6 that evening in the city center. We weren't really hungry enough to go eat somewhere, but we weren't really ready to go back to his place yet either, so we got ice cream and walked around the city a bit, including along the river. We had some nice chat, but the weather wasn't great, so we eventually went back to his place.

Once there, we sat on his couch and watched more Firefly. I think we watched five episodes. I really do like Firefly. After that, we had time to watch one more, but I didn't want to be in a rush to catch the last tram home, so I kissed him instead.

Lots of kissing led to lots of touching, which led to articles of clothing being removed one by one and more touching, which led to stuff. Yes, we did stuff. Still not the whole shebang, but stuff did happen, and it was rather enjoyable. He knows his stuff.

By the time we were done with that, I checked the time and I had missed the last tram by 20 minutes. Oh well. It was worth it. We smiled, dressed, and kissed a bit more before I left and walked home.

I don't know what would happen between us if I didn't have to leave in a month. I don't really feel butterflies about him, but it never really works out when I feel the butterflies anyway. And he's cute, friendly and good at stuff and has good taste in sci-fi. I keep the hope that I can finally have an amicable end to a relationship/fling/whatever, one that doesn't involve any drama.

-------------------

I also just realized that I forgot to write about my lunch with Lucia in last week's post. It was just fine. We had Indian food, which is tasty (although not very spicy, because you just can't find properly spicy food in Germany). It took a while for her to ask me what was new, since she had a lot to talk about, but eventually it came up, and I said pretty much what I planned in this post. She didn't really have much of a visible reaction. I think maybe she had heard I was gay from someone else and was just waiting for me to say it myself.

So that's about it for now.

I leave you with some fun music:

Warning: NSFW



Live life and love living.

-PW

In which I am angry and non-specific:

I had a great time at a friend's party last night. Then on the tram ride home, I ran into Essex, Z.Q. and Kendra.

I'm just going to say that Z.Q. is quite possibly the most unpleasant individual I have ever met. He seems to be happy only when he is being a total Arschloch to someone else.

I am so glad that in just over a month, I will never have to see him again.

Less venomous posts to come in the near future.

Take care and don't be a dick.

-PW