All good things must come to an end.

I saw Kalender on Tuesday night. We sat and talked in a pretty public garden in town. He kept asking if I was ever coming back here. I told him the truth: that it really pains me to leave, and I would love to come back, but there's no telling when I'll be able to.

We then went back to his place and watched the last three episodes of Firefly. It really is a shame it was cancelled. It was a wonderful series. Now I need to see Serenity. Afterward, we started kissing. It was a bit slow starting, but we eventually moved on to stuff, and I stayed the night. Woke up the next morning, got dressed, gave him a kiss goodbye and went home.

I'm kind of sad how this is ending. I mean, I'm not in love, I don't have a crush on him. What we have is a bit more realistic. We enjoy each other's company and have some pleasant stuff. We're supposed to see each other again at some point before I leave. This is only one of many reasons why I'm really sad to leave Germany. I'm going to miss so much. After having lived in the same town in central Texas my whole life, both with my parents and at my unnamed Baptist university, I feel like I have finally found a city that is mine. I would consider living here full-time if I could.

Still, I do want to see my parents and sisters and niece and nephew and grandma, give them all big hugs.

This may be my last post from Germany. Ich werde dich vermissen, mein liebes Deutschland.

I felt the urge to listen to Kyo today, which is kind of funny, considering they're French. But anyway, here's one of my favorite songs by them, one which fits my melancholy mood:



Please ignore the cheesy graphics; it's the only video I could find with this song.

I guess that's all for now.

-PW

Catharsis

I haven't updated in a while, but there hasn't really been anything interesting and relevant to say.

I saw Kalender last Thursday. Nothing happened. Not even what had happened before happened. I was allowing for the possibility of things happening, but they didn't. Nothing huge to make it so that nothing happened. He just made a wrong decision and blew his chances for that night. I'm planning to see him again next Tuesday.

I have been involved in some recent drama. No names (or even pseudonyms) will be named and no details will be related to spare those involved, since both parties (this person and I) are at fault.

The drama had me very upset this evening, stirring up some of my old deep-seated insecurities and whatnot. Accordingly, I decided to watch my favorite film, and the best spiritual healing film ever made: Smoke Signals. It always hits just the right spot for me. It is a film that makes me laugh, cry, and be at peace with my life and the world. In other words, it is my 'calm the hell down' film.

I love every moment of this film, but the ending is the best. Watching the ending won't spoil the film, in case you decide to check it out on my recommendation (and I definitely recommend it), so here is one of the most amazing film moments ever:



I highly recommend playing the video through the end. The song that plays over the credits is very powerful.

"Wajeeleh-Yihm" by Ulali

The internets tell me that it is in the Tutelo-Saponi language and translates as follows:

Let him go
I will carry you
Let the water wash the spirit with us
Let it move away on the river
I must let you go
Again, you have come back, good

I truly love this film. I notice new things each time I watch it, and I have seen it more times I can count, considering it's been my favorite film for about ten years now. I come to this film whenever I need healing, and it never fails me.

I honestly cannot recommend this film enough. I realize it may not be for all people, but it is certainly the film for me.

Forgive, but don't forget. Take every conflict as an opportunity to learn, to grow and to become a better person. And most importantly, never stop loving.

-PW

Well, I saw Kalender again this past Sunday. Third Sunday in a row. I hope we can see each other on a different say some time soon, so I don't always have to rush home because of class the next day.

We met at 6 that evening in the city center. We weren't really hungry enough to go eat somewhere, but we weren't really ready to go back to his place yet either, so we got ice cream and walked around the city a bit, including along the river. We had some nice chat, but the weather wasn't great, so we eventually went back to his place.

Once there, we sat on his couch and watched more Firefly. I think we watched five episodes. I really do like Firefly. After that, we had time to watch one more, but I didn't want to be in a rush to catch the last tram home, so I kissed him instead.

Lots of kissing led to lots of touching, which led to articles of clothing being removed one by one and more touching, which led to stuff. Yes, we did stuff. Still not the whole shebang, but stuff did happen, and it was rather enjoyable. He knows his stuff.

By the time we were done with that, I checked the time and I had missed the last tram by 20 minutes. Oh well. It was worth it. We smiled, dressed, and kissed a bit more before I left and walked home.

I don't know what would happen between us if I didn't have to leave in a month. I don't really feel butterflies about him, but it never really works out when I feel the butterflies anyway. And he's cute, friendly and good at stuff and has good taste in sci-fi. I keep the hope that I can finally have an amicable end to a relationship/fling/whatever, one that doesn't involve any drama.

-------------------

I also just realized that I forgot to write about my lunch with Lucia in last week's post. It was just fine. We had Indian food, which is tasty (although not very spicy, because you just can't find properly spicy food in Germany). It took a while for her to ask me what was new, since she had a lot to talk about, but eventually it came up, and I said pretty much what I planned in this post. She didn't really have much of a visible reaction. I think maybe she had heard I was gay from someone else and was just waiting for me to say it myself.

So that's about it for now.

I leave you with some fun music:

Warning: NSFW



Live life and love living.

-PW

Und so weiter...

I saw Kalender again yesterday.

No dinner this time, but I figured that would be for the best, considering last week's Chinese restaurant incident. We just met in the city center yesterday evening and went back to his place.

He showed me some of the 3D graphics he had created. That's what he studies, and he aspires to do CGI for a movie studio. Pretty cool.

We watched a so-bad-it's-amazing zombie comedy film called Braindead. So much red corn syrup. Everywhere. I will definitely try to find it when I get back home. After that, we still had plenty of time before I had to catch my tram home, so we also watched the first two episodes of Firefly. We had both seen them before, but it had been a couple years for me, and he had never watched them in English. So that was nice. I can appreciate his taste in movies. It overlaps mine, but isn't exactly the same. (He doesn't really like musicals, and I never would have watched Sin City on my own.

When we were done with the second episode of Firefly, I had about 15 minutes before I had to be at the tram stop, which is about a 5 minute walk. I always prefer to err on the side of caution, however, so I decided to go.

So I put on mu shoes and jacket, and I gave him a hug goodbye, which turned into a kiss goodbye. Nothing too long or intense, but it happened, which is just what I was planning all along anyway.

So now he knows I'm interested, but not easy. All is going according to plan.

I'll keep you updated as the situation develops.

-PW

Having some fun

So I finally saw Kalender again yesterday.

It took us a while to get together thanks to scheduling conflicts, a bit of drama llama within the circle of friends, and the death of my grandfather*.

We met in the city center and walked to the restaurant he was wanting to go to. It was closed, so I suggested we go to this Chinese place. I was craving Chinese anyway. I gave him plenty of opportunities to veto and suggest somewhere else, but he said nothing, so we to the Chinese place. I think that it's reasonably priced for how much food you get, but he must be on a really tight budget, since all he got was this tiny plate of tiny spring rolls. I felt really guilty eating my plate full of delicious chicken and broccoli with white rice and curry sauce. Of course, we each paid for ourselves. But still, I felt guilty. My bill was just under €8 (and so worth it), but his was only €4, and I think it was only that much because he thought he should get a drink because I did. Oh well. We had good conversation anyway.

Then we went back to his place and watched Sin City, since I had never seen it, and it's one of his favorites. Pretty good. It's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times before it really makes sense, but at least I have one viewing under my belt and I can understand it more next time.

And that's all we did - eat, talk, watch a movie. Once we were at his place, watching a movie with the lights dimmed, I was expecting him to make a move. I didn't really know what I would have done if he had, but he didn't. I probably would have kissed him, but drawn the line there. In retrospect, there were signs that he really wanted to make a move, but was probably too nervous. It's cute. And exactly how I wanted things to go. I have a terrible history of going to the stuff far too quickly. For once I actually didn't kiss on the first date, and it's invigorating.

The whole way home, I was grinning like an idiot, because I can tell he wants me. He really wants me. And I'm making him wait, and it's driving him crazy, and I love it. I'm not used to having this much power. I'm not being a tease, since you're not a tease if you intend to give it up eventually, but for now I enjoy playing with him a bit and watching him squirm. It's fun.

We speak mostly in English because he rarely gets a chance to practice his English, whereas I get to practice my German all the time. He has a German accent and sometimes he'll say something completely wrong, e.g. directly translating a German idiom or saying an entire sentence in German sentence structure. It's adorable. I'm totally up for seeing him again.

Meanwhile I got a Facebook message from Lucia the other day, saying that she missed hanging out, so we made plans to meet for lunch on Wednesday. I haven't seen her for a few weeks, but I am using this as a positive opportunity. Geordie always scolds me for not just telling Lucia I was gay when I could tell that she had a crush on me. I always responded that the right time had never presented itself, but it's sure to on Wednesday. Considering how long it's been she's bound to ask me what's new or something along those lines, and I will respond by mentioning that I had a date this past weekend. From there, it can go one of two ways:

Either
Lucia (nervously): Oh, how did it go?
Phillip: It went well! Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

Or
Lucia (nervously): Oh, who is she?
Phillip: This cute German guy I met named [Kalender]. Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

We'll see how this goes.

I leave you with a funny video by Dan:

Warning: NSFW



Peace.

-PW

*I'm fine, by the way, so you don't have to worry about me. I have grieved/cried, and now I am getting on with my life, as he would want me to do.

When it's time to change, then it's time to change...

A week and a half later, and things are completely different...again. Bloody hell.

This is another long post. Enjoy.

When we last left the Adventures of Phillip Wilde, Phillip was having a nice, casual, undefined something with an English guy known as Essex. They had done stuff on three separate occasions, and it was seeming that they would continue to do so, and they had last seen each other in a brief meeting at a nearby lake, with several friends in tow.

Well, here's what has happened since then:

That Monday, the head of the German division from my unnamed Baptist university (let's call him Dr. Fromm) came to my unnamed southwester German city to visit Louisa, Russky, one other girl, and me. He took us all out to dinner on Tuesday, and it was reasonably pleasant. We then decided to go get ice cream, which is a very normal occurrence in this city. As we were looking at the flavors, trying to decide what to get, we hear someone shout "[Phillip]!!!" It was Z.Q., and he was very drunk. With him were Essex and Kendra, and they all came up to us. I said to him, "Oh hi, [Z.Q.], this is [Dr. Fromm], our professor from [unnamed Baptist university]. We were just going to get some ice cream. He then proceeded to speak to our professor in bad, drunken German, using the informal second person, which is actually a bit insulting to use with a professor. Dr. Fromm was very polite and talked back to him. Meanwhile, I go to Essex and whisper in his ear "Please shut him up!" He responded that that would be impossible, which is probably true. I was completely mortified. Of all the people that we could have run into while out with Dr. Fromm, it had to be Z.Q., and he had to be drunk, and there's no telling what he could have told Dr. Fromm about my personal life if Essex and Kendra hadn't been able to drag him away. I spent the rest of the night annoyed.

I received a package from home on Wednesday, including a jar of jalapeño peppers and a large package of tortillas, so being excited, I invited a smallish group of friends, including Essex, over for tacos at my place. He couldn't come because he had too much homework, which is understandable, and he invited me to go to a Biergarten Thursday night with a bunch of people.

When I arrived at the Biergarten, about half the people I know were there, and nobody I particularly disliked, so that was a plus. Essex wasn't being very talkative, but who can get a word in edgewise when Z.Q. is there anyway? Well, Z.Q. left a bit early, and about 15 minutes later, Essex seemed ready to go too. He actually seemed a bit surprised that I didn't want to leave then too, but I still had half a beer and was having a good time hanging out with people. Whatever. So that was Thursday.

Then this past Saturday was my 21st birthday. I had invited pretty much everyone I know in this town to the festivities, not that I expected that many people to come. I just wanted to make it clear that everyone was welcome. It was just a very simple plan: a potluck picnic in the park that afternoon, and a pub crawl in the city that night. A lot of people couldn't make it because that day was also the beginning of a week off from class, so a lot of people were leaving on trips, which is perfectly fine. But Essex was one of the few people who responded to the Facebook invite as a definite yes. When it came picnic time, no one showed up but Louisa and Gotherella. I called Essex, but he said that he had gone to Colmar for the day with Z.Q. and Z.Q.'s mom, who had come to visit, but that he would be back to go out on the town that night. Well, I had a good time at the picnic with Louisa and Gotherella, so there was no harm there, and Gotherella gave me an awesome drawing, so I was in a relatively good mood, despite the small numbers.

Then when it came time to go out, everyone seemed to be unavailable except for Geordie and her friend who had come to visit. Louisa isn't really a pub crawl kind of girl, and Gotherella's parents were visiting, so I had no problem with them not coming. Then I texted Essex to let him know we were going into town, and he replied that Z.Q.'s mother had invited him to dinner, so he wouldn't be able to make it. I rolled my eyes, as dinner so would not take up the whole night, and I was annoyed that the guy I was sort of kind of seeing was blowing me off on my birthday. Whatever.

But then, after having a couple drinks in the city with Geordie and her friend, we decided to take the last tram home. I was thinking we could maybe go to the bar/dance club in our dorm complex, but as we were waiting for it, who did we see but Z.Q., Essex, and Kendra, drunk and coming to catch the same tram. Z.Q.'s mother was nowhere in sight. There's no way they could have gotten that drunk in the time in the time they would have had after having dinner. They had to have been out drinking at least since the time when Essex sent me that text. Essex barely said a word to me, and got off the tram to go home to his place, two stops before where I get off.

I haven't seen or had any contact with him since. I hate it when people lie to me. Geordie and I have come to the conclusion that Essex has gone back to being in an unhealthy obsessive whatever with Z.Q., like they had had several months ago. That wouldn't have bothered me so much if he hadn't lied to me about it. At least Buachaill was upfront with me about giving Czech boy another chance, and because of his honesty and since Geordie told me that Czech boy really is a great guy, I am no longer upset with Buachaill. I'm happy he's found someone. But rejection is so much easier to deal with when someone is upfront and honest about it, not when they lie and make excuses and ignore you. That's what Lip Ring did, and we all know how well that has worked out for him and what that has done for my self-esteem.

So I have decided that Essex is out of the picture. If he doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me, then he's not worth the time of day. So I spent Sunday, Monday, and most of Tuesday being angry at men in general. Then I logged on to the dating site and got a message from Kalender, asking if I wanted to do something again some time in the near future. I asked what he had in mind and told him about how busy I have been lately, going on day trips and trying to get the most of this week off. He said that if I wanted to relax, I could come hang out with him some time on his couch and watch a movie. Of course, I know what he means by that; that's how I ended up staying the night with Lip Ring. But I wasn't going to let him get off that easily, so I suggested we have dinner first and see what happens from there. He said he could cook something or we could get some pizza to go from the Italian place he lives over. That sneaking devil. Whenever we actually do get together again, I will make sure we actually eat in a restaurant. He's got to prove himself before he gets at any of what he's trying to get at.

So long story short: Essex lies and gets the boot, Kalender may be back in the picture, and I am not upset with Buachaill, so stop trying to comfort me about it.

Now have some cute music:



-PW

*cough* Well, then...

Okay, so things have changed a bit since my last post.

Note: This is a long post. If you have a problem with that, tough! I've got a lot to say today, and it's my blog, so *nanny nanny boo boo*, *voiceless linguolabial trill*, usw.

So soon after I arrived at a friend's birthday party on Friday, which was quite an event, Buachaill told me we needed to talk. That, of course, is rarely a good thing. Long story short, he had been seeing this Czech guy before he started seeing me, but he broke that off because the Czech guy was being a flake, which I already knew. Toward the end of this past week, Czech guy contacted him again and was really apologetic, and Buachaill decided to give Czech guy another chance. I'm glad he was honest with me, but I was still upset. I think I hid it reasonably well. Okay, well Geordie and Umlaut could tell, but they already knew what was going on.

I still had a pretty good time at the party, although I did have a few moments. Namely, when he and I went back up to the party after our little chat, I let him go in first, while I stayed a moment in the empty hallway and silently shouted a stream of obscenities. The only other one was when I was going back into the party after using the toilet, only to find that Buachaill was right in the middle of all the people I was about to go over to, so then I quietly excused myself and went outside for a brief pity party, with the general sentiment of "Why the hell do guys never choose me?!" I haven't exactly had the best track record in that field.

Well anyway, I did still enjoy the party, and I didn't drink any more than I normally would at such a party, although I may have drunk my normal amount within a smaller period of time.

At the party, I also met someone. He's English, and will be called Essex in this blog. He's cute, slim and kind of short, although not as short as Shorty. He is very Southern English, in contrast to Geordie, who is from the north. His accent is probably what most Americans would think of first when thinking of an English accent, or at least as much as Received Pronunciation and Cockney. His is the kind of accent where people say 'bruvva' instead of 'brother' and 'wo-a' instead of 'water'. It's cute.

Considering the people we both know, we really should have met before then, but somehow we hadn't, although we had seen each other. Well, we were talking, when he said "Follow me" and went out into the hallway. I followed him and we had a good snog. Strangely enough, we weren't seen by very many people, although the people who did see us did include Geordie and Buachaill. I was a little embarrassed that Buachaill saw us, but it was a bit late. If he was bothered by it, he really didn't have the right to be, since he was the one who had ended it with me, and all he and I had done was snog and go on one casual date, after which nothing happened.

At the end of the night, when it was pretty clear that Essex and I were going to spend the night together, Geordie just told me "Be safe." That was her response when I asked her what she thought. I trust her enough that I wouldn't have spent the night with him if she had told me it was a bad idea.

So we spent Friday night together at my place. We didn't do everything, but we did do...stuff. And during the stuff, we talked a lot about a lot of different things. When I woke up Saturday morning, I realized that I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I got up and let him sleep some more. I got online and chatted with my friend Loon, whom I know from Texas, although she is currently in a different unnamed foreign country. I had told her about Buachaill a couple days before, and I felt the need to tell her about the change. She actually seemed a lot more excited when I mentioned Essex than when I had told her about Buachaill, but she (like quite a few of my friends) is a bit of and anglophile. I also have several hibernophile friends, but that's no the point. I think her exact words when I told her about Essex and that he had spent were "w00t!" She also assured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Essex convinced me to go out clubbing in the city Saturday night, and it was very heavily implied that we would stay at his place afterward. Actually, I think it was said outright, but it just sounds better to say that it was heavily implied.

After having a good chat and dinner with Geordie, who was also going to go clubbing in the city that night, I promptly fell asleep 45 minutes before I was supposed to meet Geordie at her place for a pre-game. (That's when you drink a bit at someone's house before going out, so you don't have to buy as many over-priced drinks when you're at the club.) I woke up about thirty minutes after I was supposed to go to Geordie's, which actually was the time I was supposed to meet Essex in the city. I texted him that I was running a bit late. When I got to Geordie's, she, Umlaut, Thóin and Buachaill were there. *sigh* I should have seen that coming.

I kept trying to convince people that it was time to go, and I texted to Essex that I had to wait for Geordie, because I didn't want to go into the city by myself. For a moment there, Geordie started talking that maybe she didn't want to go into the city after all. Normally, I would agree; there's a nightclub/bar right in our student compound and it's a lot cheaper, but I really wanted to go meet Essex. We finally ended up going to the city on the last tram, getting there at 12:30. Essex had been waiting for me for quite a while. At least he had been there with his friends and not just there alone. Still, he understood that sometimes it's difficult to convince friends that it's time to go.

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On a (not so) quick side note: Two weeks ago (when Buachaill was still with Czech guy for the first time), I met a German guy, whom we'll call Kalender, on a gay dating site. Different from (and better than) the one where I met Lip Ring. I actually joined it because Buachaill recommended it. It's where he met Czech guy. Kalender is cute as well, slim and almost as tall as I am. We met and went to the only gay bar in town, which he admits is kind of shitty, but his best friend is the bartender, so it's fun anyway. All we did was hang out in the bar with his friends and play cards. Well, he also bought weed from his bartender friend, rolled it into a joint and smoked it right in front of me. That doesn't bother me really, but I think it's funny as hell. I failed to blog about him because my Internet connection went down the next day, and by the time I got it back a week later, Buachaill had already happened, and I just sort of forgot. Well, when we were getting off the tram this Saturday night to go to the club where I was to meet Essex, he was getting on. It was just a smile, a wave, and Geordie knowing exactly who he was without me even having to tell her. It's really weird that I suddenly have all these options. My love life was all but non-existent in Texas.

------------

Okay, so we went into the club and I met Essex. Geordie commented in my ear that I was looking too grumpy and tense. I replied that I wouldn't be if she would take Buachaill out onto the dancefloor so that he wasn't right there. Essex and I had a decent time, and after a bit of awkward dancing (not because it's awkward between us; I'm just an awkward dancer), we decided we had had enough of the club, said our goodbyes and walked to his place.

At his place, we did all the same stuff we had done the night before, but we did it more, and I would say it was a bit better too. Maybe because we were more relaxed. Although I did notice that we didn't talk as much. Really just the stuff. We woke up this morning and did some more stuff before I went home.

I really haven't done anything today. Just chat with Geordie online and spend way too much time reading random crap on Wikipedia. Now I've been writing this blog post for far too long and need to go to bed, so I'm just going to wrap this up.

Essex suggested we go out for dinner some time this week. I was about to suggest it myself. So here goes another try.

-PW