A milestone

I won't apologize for my lack of updates over the past few months, because it's just that I've just been busy and happy, nothing interesting to report.

But the past week or so has been monumental. Today, January 2, 2011, I came out to my mother.

Backing up, on December 18, 2010, I finally met Lomond's parents. He had called them to let them know that I would be at his choir concert in Austin, which they were also attending, so that they wouldn't be blind-sided by my presence. The wonderful thing was that Lomond's mom then said without needing to be asked, "Of course I would like to meet him." So he and I texted a bit when he wasn't on stage at the concert and decided he would come get me when it was over and then we would both approach them. It was a little awkward at first, as to be expected, and we could tell his dad was much more uncomfortable than his mom, but then she suggested we get something to eat before we drove back up to CenTex and they drove back up to the D/FW Metroplex. Over dinner, we didn't discuss our relationship, nor did it feel like a job interview. The Lomond family just had their normal conversation, and I joined in whenever I could. Overall, not bad. His dad even cracked a few jokes. Later on, Lomond's parents told him that I seemed very nice. I think that's what they needed, really - to see that I'm not a drag queen or a rent boy, but rather a regular nice guy.

Meanwhile, Lomond has been applying to doctorate programs in the Northeast, and if he goes, I'm going with him. Of course my family would expect some explanation as to why I was willing to move across country to be with him, so I decided I really needed to finish coming out to them. On December 17, an opportunity presented itself. While preparing to go to Austin and attend an Old-Fashioned Piano Party that night, I tried to make up for my lack of a haircut by trimming the little poofy curls on my temples that I hate so much. Bad idea.



I royally messed it up and had to make an emergency appointment with Sister #3, the hair stylist. While she was fixing my screw up, I mentioned that I was going to a party with Lomond and some of his friends. When she asked, "So who exactly is [Lomond], I gave her a look in the eyes which said, "I think you already know." Naturally, she was happy for me and wanted to know more about him, said that she and Sister #1 had been speculating about it, and asked when she would get to meet him.

That was when I made a plan:
I would have him meet all three sisters while they were all around for Christmas. Then they would be able to give support and vouch for how wonderful Lomond is when I finally came out to Mom later in the break - after New Year's, I decided, when people had left and stress was somewhat lower.

The mass meeting was set for the evening of December 26, under the guise of going to Starbucks and hanging out "just us kids." Sisters #1-3 and Sister #2's husband went with me to Starbucks to meet up with Lomond. It went rather well. Like the meeting with his parents, we more or less had the same conversation we would have had anyway, with just some casual questions about him and a clear acknowledgment of our relationship. It was nice, Sister #2 talked about how good a match we were all the way home, and Lomond said that although he was a bit quiet, he felt at home, that my siblings reminded him of his cousins up in NorTex.

With that under my belt, it remained only to come out to my parents. Today, despite us both feeling under the weather, Mom and I had a relatively good day. While she was out at the store, I decided tonight was the night. I dug out from their hiding place the booklets I had gotten at Austin Pride, and skimmed once more through PFLAG's "Our Daughters and Sons" before hiding it again somewhere more accessible.

When Mom got home, we ended up talking about various things as I waited for the right moment. It didn't come until after we both ate dinner and watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Desperate Housewives. She said she was going to check her e-mail and then go to bed. Once she was done, this is more or less how it went:

Phillip Wilde: So you're pretty tired, then?
Mom: Yeah... is something wrong?
PW: No, nothing's wrong.
Mom: Something's wrong, I can tell.
PW: No. N-nothing is wrong.
Mom: If you have something to tell me, just tell me.
PW: You and I are pretty close, and I wouldn't want anything to change that...
Mom: Uh-huh...
PW: But I feel like I haven't been completely honest with you... Mom,... I'm gay.
*pause*
Mom: I can believe that.

So she had had an inkling for sure. Which is good, because she would have to be pretty much blind not to. I mean, I haven't exactly been discreet about how much time I spend with Lomond. So after that was a long, drawn-out exchange of "Why'd you choose this?"/"I didn't choose it."/"God can change it if you ask."/"It's how God made me and I don't want to change."/"It's not what God wants."/"I think God made all kinds of different people and likes is that way." und so weiter, und so weiter. Eventually I said that it was just a different side of love, which made her ask whether I was in love. "Yes."/"With [Lomond]?"/"Yes."/"God has something better for you, and I don't mean a guy." I gave her the PFLAG booklet and asked her to read it. She said she would, but that it wouldn't change her mind, that her beliefs are too deep. I replied that this is part of who I am, and that won't ever be changed.

That's pretty much where it left off. She assured me that she will always love me unconditionally, but that she will be praying for God to turn my heart. Not perfect, but it could have been much worse. I still have a family, a place to live, and at least I've taken the first step. Now I honestly believe that she just needs time to think, to come around and realize that this is how I am and how I will always be. I texted Lomond, my sisters, and several savvy friends, and the responses have all been loving and affirming. I really do love you all and appreciate your support.

I'll update later when there is more to say, but for now, I'll leave you with Rufus:



-PW

Pardon the vulgar metaphor...

But life is kind of shitting all over me right now.

But since I'm the idiot who positioned himself directly beneath life's ass, I have no one to blame but myself for the steaming pile in which I am currently lying.

Not going to go into too much detail, but basically I'm a dumbass who constantly repeats the same dumbass mistakes. I still have my hopeful outlook that things will eventually be better, but right now I have a lot of self-inflicted life-feces to wade through before that can happen.

Don't worry about me, though. I'll deal with it like I always do.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

-PW

P.S. - Since my last post, there actually has been an event in my life relevant to this blog's original theme, but I don't feel like blogging about it right now. I'll tell y'all about it once I've gotten some sleep and had a few beers.

Thoughts of the Future

Yesterday, I was in the car with my Mom. She was taking me back to my apartment after spending a few hours at her place. We weren't really talking much. It wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable silence. We were just tired.

Then, in my head, I started thinking about how I should come out to my Mom.

Mom, we need to talk. You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you, but there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change it...

Thankfully it was dark, so she couldn't see how red my ears got just at the thought of it. I wanted to say it right then, but I knew that was a terrible place and an inconvenient time. So I still don't know when I will come out to Mom, but at least I have decided how I'm going to start it.

Sorry this isn't a very interesting post. I just felt the need to put it down in words. And it's not like I have that many readers anyway.

-PW

All good things must come to an end.

I saw Kalender on Tuesday night. We sat and talked in a pretty public garden in town. He kept asking if I was ever coming back here. I told him the truth: that it really pains me to leave, and I would love to come back, but there's no telling when I'll be able to.

We then went back to his place and watched the last three episodes of Firefly. It really is a shame it was cancelled. It was a wonderful series. Now I need to see Serenity. Afterward, we started kissing. It was a bit slow starting, but we eventually moved on to stuff, and I stayed the night. Woke up the next morning, got dressed, gave him a kiss goodbye and went home.

I'm kind of sad how this is ending. I mean, I'm not in love, I don't have a crush on him. What we have is a bit more realistic. We enjoy each other's company and have some pleasant stuff. We're supposed to see each other again at some point before I leave. This is only one of many reasons why I'm really sad to leave Germany. I'm going to miss so much. After having lived in the same town in central Texas my whole life, both with my parents and at my unnamed Baptist university, I feel like I have finally found a city that is mine. I would consider living here full-time if I could.

Still, I do want to see my parents and sisters and niece and nephew and grandma, give them all big hugs.

This may be my last post from Germany. Ich werde dich vermissen, mein liebes Deutschland.

I felt the urge to listen to Kyo today, which is kind of funny, considering they're French. But anyway, here's one of my favorite songs by them, one which fits my melancholy mood:



Please ignore the cheesy graphics; it's the only video I could find with this song.

I guess that's all for now.

-PW

Having some fun

So I finally saw Kalender again yesterday.

It took us a while to get together thanks to scheduling conflicts, a bit of drama llama within the circle of friends, and the death of my grandfather*.

We met in the city center and walked to the restaurant he was wanting to go to. It was closed, so I suggested we go to this Chinese place. I was craving Chinese anyway. I gave him plenty of opportunities to veto and suggest somewhere else, but he said nothing, so we to the Chinese place. I think that it's reasonably priced for how much food you get, but he must be on a really tight budget, since all he got was this tiny plate of tiny spring rolls. I felt really guilty eating my plate full of delicious chicken and broccoli with white rice and curry sauce. Of course, we each paid for ourselves. But still, I felt guilty. My bill was just under €8 (and so worth it), but his was only €4, and I think it was only that much because he thought he should get a drink because I did. Oh well. We had good conversation anyway.

Then we went back to his place and watched Sin City, since I had never seen it, and it's one of his favorites. Pretty good. It's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times before it really makes sense, but at least I have one viewing under my belt and I can understand it more next time.

And that's all we did - eat, talk, watch a movie. Once we were at his place, watching a movie with the lights dimmed, I was expecting him to make a move. I didn't really know what I would have done if he had, but he didn't. I probably would have kissed him, but drawn the line there. In retrospect, there were signs that he really wanted to make a move, but was probably too nervous. It's cute. And exactly how I wanted things to go. I have a terrible history of going to the stuff far too quickly. For once I actually didn't kiss on the first date, and it's invigorating.

The whole way home, I was grinning like an idiot, because I can tell he wants me. He really wants me. And I'm making him wait, and it's driving him crazy, and I love it. I'm not used to having this much power. I'm not being a tease, since you're not a tease if you intend to give it up eventually, but for now I enjoy playing with him a bit and watching him squirm. It's fun.

We speak mostly in English because he rarely gets a chance to practice his English, whereas I get to practice my German all the time. He has a German accent and sometimes he'll say something completely wrong, e.g. directly translating a German idiom or saying an entire sentence in German sentence structure. It's adorable. I'm totally up for seeing him again.

Meanwhile I got a Facebook message from Lucia the other day, saying that she missed hanging out, so we made plans to meet for lunch on Wednesday. I haven't seen her for a few weeks, but I am using this as a positive opportunity. Geordie always scolds me for not just telling Lucia I was gay when I could tell that she had a crush on me. I always responded that the right time had never presented itself, but it's sure to on Wednesday. Considering how long it's been she's bound to ask me what's new or something along those lines, and I will respond by mentioning that I had a date this past weekend. From there, it can go one of two ways:

Either
Lucia (nervously): Oh, how did it go?
Phillip: It went well! Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

Or
Lucia (nervously): Oh, who is she?
Phillip: This cute German guy I met named [Kalender]. Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

We'll see how this goes.

I leave you with a funny video by Dan:

Warning: NSFW



Peace.

-PW

*I'm fine, by the way, so you don't have to worry about me. I have grieved/cried, and now I am getting on with my life, as he would want me to do.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Hmm, so it seems there was a misunderstanding, a failure to communicate within the revue group. Koopa and Nike both ended up being in one of the special vocal groups, and the other one still hasn't been set, so I still have a chance. So it turns out perhaps Flippy Hair wasn't being a passive-aggressive bitch after all. He just wasn't doing his job and letting us know what the hell was going on.

Whatever. I haven't actually been mad about it for a while now. I'll still try for the other vocal group, but if I don't get it, I'll be fine, since I have already come to accept it over the past week and a half.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am currently in a rather unfamiliar state, i.e. I'm not really crushing on anyone now. I've decided this is just fine, especially since 3.5 weeks from now, I will be going to another continent for five months.

Yep, I'm going to study in Germany for a semester. The German semester is just a bit offset, running from March through July.

I have this stupid fantasy in the back of my mind that my time in Germany will be like Xavier's experience in the film L'Auberge espagnole, minus the whole sleeping with a married woman thing, for two very obvious reasons. I dream of having a great time with lots of crazy friends.

To answer the questions people always ask:

No, I am not going with a group. This is a direct exchange program. There are two other people from my unnamed Baptist university who will be going with me, let's call them Russky and Louisa. There is also one girl who has already been there for one semester and will be staying for this semester as well.

Yes, I will be taking a full course load, and yes, my classes will all be taught in German.

No, I am not extremely fluent in German, but I hopefully will be by the time I'm done.

Yes, I will be living in a dorm, only there it's called a Studentenwohnheim.

I will be at a prestigious 552-year-old university in a beautiful mid-sized city in southwestern Germany, less than an hour by train from both France and Switzerland.

Yes, I will be traveling within Europe as much as my schedule and budget will allow.

The other day, it really hit me how soon I would be leaving and I started feeling really sentimental. Koopa and I had a bittersweet conversation about how I will be leaving right after the revue competition is over and when I get back, she will be gone - graduated and gone away to law school. She and I have gotten so close over the past year.

I finally saw Teacher Friend, CSI Friend, Blonde Friend, and KoP this evening for the first time since Blonde Friend's birthday three weeks ago. We had dinner. It was kind of weird. I'm going to be living with them come August, but it seems that as time goes by, we have less and less in common.

I will also be missing the birth of my first nephew, who is due just three weeks after I arrive in Germany. I worry that my little niece won't remember me when I come back. I worry that my octogenarian grandparents will fall ill while I'm gone. I worry that I won't be good enough to succeed.

But I must remain optimistic. They say that if you believe you can do something, you can, right? Like the Little Engine That Could. I just have to believe in myself. I need to work on that.

And now, I leave you with a song that has been stuck in my head all damn day.



Enjoy.

-PW

An introduction.

You can call me Phillip Wilde. I am a young gay man, forced to stay in the closet for a handful of complicated reasons.

The number one reason is that I attend a Baptist university in central Texas which shall not be named in this blog. Said Baptist university has a nasty habit of taking scholarships away from students when they come out of the closet, and I simply cannot afford to have that happen. I would have to drop out of school, and that is simply unthinkable to me.

The second reason is that my parents are not exactly accepting of homosexuality. I know I am certainly not the only gay person who has had to deal with this. In fact, most of us do. But although my parents are not the type of people who would react violently to my coming out, I am still very afraid of how they may react. My mother has some very backward views on homosexuality, including that it is caused in all cases by demonic possession. Yeah, it's messed up. My dad doesn't really voice his opinion on the subject much, but he does somewhat frequently use the word 'faggot,' along with other comparable offensive words in reference to other groups, on which I usually call him.

My other reasons for staying in the closet are pretty much the same as anyone else's. I worry that people will think of me differently. It's really silly that they would, since coming out of the closet doesn't change who I am, just what people know about me, but I know that it happens all the time. I'm afraid of the disapproving looks; I'm afraid of people talking behind my back about something over which I have no control.

Speaking of that, I can't believe that anyone could think that homosexuality is a choice. Why on earth would I choose to be ostracized and discriminated against? It is just the way I am, and people should just accept that.

I hesitate to explore the origins of homosexuality in any way. It makes me think of the subplot in Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West in which the Wizard is trying to discover the origin of the Animals so that he can find a way to eliminate them. I honestly hope that homosexuality is not genetic as some people claim for that very reason - that people will try to snuff it out if we find out what causes it. It would really be a genocide of a different sort.

All that being said, I am not completely closeted. If I were, I would have lost my mind years ago. So here's a breakdown of how much I am in and out of the closet:

People with whom I am completely out and open and with whom I discuss it regularly:
My small group of very close friends here at school
A handful of other close friends from various other places
A guy with whom I had something going a few months ago, hereafter referred to as Lip Ring

People who know I'm gay, but we don't really talk about it:
Most of the secondary and some of the tertiary friends connected to my group of close friends
The youngest of my three older sisters
Various people with whom I did community theatre a few years ago
Various people with whom I went to high school
Another semi-closeted guy at my school on whom I had a major crush last year, hereafter referred to as Flippy Hair

People who know I am gay, but we don't really talk at all:
More various people with whom I went to high school
One guy with whom I had something going a couple years ago, hereafter referred to as Pepper

Places where I make my homosexuality plain:
Gay-friendly nightclubs
Gay-friendly neighborhoods, such as the Castro in San Francisco or Oak Lawn in Dallas

Places where/people with whom I neither broadcast nor make any real effort to hide my homosexuality:
Renaissance festivals - I've been performing at them for a few years now
The musical revue group in which I perform at my school
The general public

People with whom I occasionally discuss homosexuality, but not specifically in reference to me:
My other two sisters, who both would probably have no problem with me coming out - they probably already know anyway
Various cousins and other relatives, whose views vary
My parents, whose views are described above
Various professors and fellow students, whose views vary

Places where/people with whom I never discuss homosexuality:
Almost any religious setting
Almost anyone involved in the administration at my unnamed Baptist university

I suppose that will have to do for now. More posts of varying topics, mostly gay-themed, will follow.

-PW