A smile and a sigh

I just realized that the day after my last post was this blog's first birthday, so happy belated birthday to this silly little outlet of mine.

But the reason I'm here is that it's National Coming Out Day. I am so glad that we've come so far, that we have a day dedicated to being open and happy with who you are. I am sad, however, that we still have so far to go and that I have to let another National Coming Out Day pass me by without any bold action on my part.

It's not that I don't want to, but well, y'all know why I can't.

But I'm content enough with my current situation: out to some, in to others. It's just until I graduate anyway. In the meantime, I need to focus on my schoolwork - reading, writing, researching, studying, taking the GRE, writing my thesis, applying to Master's programs, and so on.

I still don't know when and how I can come out to my parents, and I know I can never be truly out to the world without being out to them. That's another big hurdle. What I've always said is that I would come out to my parents once I lived in a different town. Hopefully, I will be this time next year, at grad school somewhere.

For now, all I can do is just dance.

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

Live your life and love it.

-PW

In which I am a total pop culture whore

Since I don't really have any relationship-type news to report, I'll instead discuss some things that have been on my mind/in my life that have been kind of camp.

While I was in Germany, I really got to love H&M, for cheap, fun and stylish clothes. I was very sad to find that there are no H&M stores in Texas, so in an attempt to recapture my H&M love, I went to my local XXI Forever (big store containing all the Forever 21 brands, including the men's brand Heritage 1981). Okay, so their selection for men is definitely more limited than H&M's. An H&M store is about 50% women's, 25% men's and 25% kids'. XXI Forever is about 85% women's, 15% men's. Still, I managed to find a couple things I liked. I ended up just buying a jacket and one of those lightweight scarves that white people love so much.

Here's a photo of me wearing both:



I have also taken to sitting with my legs crossed at the knee, have taken up knitting once again, and am greatly enjoying my yoga class. And last but certainly not least, since the VMAs I have become mildly obsessed with Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, P!nk and Beyoncé.

So have a video of each of them, namely their VMA performances:

TSwift - cute and fun

New Music - More Music Videos

Gaga - weird, but totally fabulous

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

P!nk - bad outfit, but artistic and inspirational

P!nk - New Music - More Music Videos

Beyoncé - Totally (Sasha) Fierce

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

My favorite parts of this one are seeing butch lesbian asexual comic Paula Poundstone getting totally into it while looking dreadful at 1:48 and the tone-deaf blonde girl at 3:10.

Also, in the wake of the VMAs, this wonderful cover of "Single Ladies" was brought to my attention:


So I guess that's about it.

Take care.

-PW

Oh, and Kanye's an idiot.

Comfortably Numb

Today, as of two hours ago, is CSI Friend's 21st birthday. To celebrate, we went out bar-hopping here in my central Texas town. To say that I am tipsy would be an understatement, but luckily I know when to stop. I stop when I am still happy. And right now I am happy as a redneck at an NRA rally.

Just so you know: Skittles dissolved in vodka = orgasm in liquid form. Seriously, give it a try.

I'm not really worrying about finding a relationship right now. Tonight will be spent with good old Dextera and Sinistra, that's alright with me. ;D

Have some music:



-PW

Return to tedium

Well, I haven't been blogging lately, but there honestly hasn't been anything relevant to this blog happening in my life. I've just been busy with schoolwork and stuff with my roommates (CSI Friend, Teacher Friend, and KoP).

Here, have a video:



That's been one of my favorites for a couple years now.

Hopefully something interesting (in a good way) will happen soon, so I can actually give y'all something to read.

-PW

Feelings return

Well, I am back safely in my boring central Texas town.

I have spent the last few days seeing people, including CSI Friend, Koopa, Pandora and my family. I have also spoken with Geordie twice on Skype and am missing Germany quite a bit.

And well, there hasn't been anything interesting to post here since I got back, but just now logged onto Facebook and saw something. The Environmentalist had recorded a video and posted it on Facebook, and as soon as I saw it, I was reminded of why I had been crushing on him before I put that part of my life on hold to go to Germany. He was just so cute and sweet and I got all full of butterflies.

I think this really is different from my other crushes. He and I just seem so compatible. He seems like a guy who could really understand me. He's quirky and loves costuming and baking and music and renfaires too. 'Adorkable' is probably the best word to describe him.

I feel silly that I just got back and I'm already back to crushing. I won't be participating in the musical revue group this semester, so I won't have an easy excuse to spend a lot of time around him. I don't know if I should even do anything about it, especially since I only have one year left at the unnamed Baptist university, but he has two more, and I have no intention of staying in my boring central Texas town after graduation.

I just don't know. I'm sure he's not as perfect as he is in my mind, but he really does seem like one of the good guys, and I bet I will always regret it if I don't try something. He really seems like the kind of person I would set up with me if I were someone else. We're both weird, and in a lot of the same ways.

Oh blah. I feel like a little schoolboy whenever I think of him. Just getting these thoughts out there.

And now, a lovely song:



-PW

All good things must come to an end.

I saw Kalender on Tuesday night. We sat and talked in a pretty public garden in town. He kept asking if I was ever coming back here. I told him the truth: that it really pains me to leave, and I would love to come back, but there's no telling when I'll be able to.

We then went back to his place and watched the last three episodes of Firefly. It really is a shame it was cancelled. It was a wonderful series. Now I need to see Serenity. Afterward, we started kissing. It was a bit slow starting, but we eventually moved on to stuff, and I stayed the night. Woke up the next morning, got dressed, gave him a kiss goodbye and went home.

I'm kind of sad how this is ending. I mean, I'm not in love, I don't have a crush on him. What we have is a bit more realistic. We enjoy each other's company and have some pleasant stuff. We're supposed to see each other again at some point before I leave. This is only one of many reasons why I'm really sad to leave Germany. I'm going to miss so much. After having lived in the same town in central Texas my whole life, both with my parents and at my unnamed Baptist university, I feel like I have finally found a city that is mine. I would consider living here full-time if I could.

Still, I do want to see my parents and sisters and niece and nephew and grandma, give them all big hugs.

This may be my last post from Germany. Ich werde dich vermissen, mein liebes Deutschland.

I felt the urge to listen to Kyo today, which is kind of funny, considering they're French. But anyway, here's one of my favorite songs by them, one which fits my melancholy mood:



Please ignore the cheesy graphics; it's the only video I could find with this song.

I guess that's all for now.

-PW

Catharsis

I haven't updated in a while, but there hasn't really been anything interesting and relevant to say.

I saw Kalender last Thursday. Nothing happened. Not even what had happened before happened. I was allowing for the possibility of things happening, but they didn't. Nothing huge to make it so that nothing happened. He just made a wrong decision and blew his chances for that night. I'm planning to see him again next Tuesday.

I have been involved in some recent drama. No names (or even pseudonyms) will be named and no details will be related to spare those involved, since both parties (this person and I) are at fault.

The drama had me very upset this evening, stirring up some of my old deep-seated insecurities and whatnot. Accordingly, I decided to watch my favorite film, and the best spiritual healing film ever made: Smoke Signals. It always hits just the right spot for me. It is a film that makes me laugh, cry, and be at peace with my life and the world. In other words, it is my 'calm the hell down' film.

I love every moment of this film, but the ending is the best. Watching the ending won't spoil the film, in case you decide to check it out on my recommendation (and I definitely recommend it), so here is one of the most amazing film moments ever:



I highly recommend playing the video through the end. The song that plays over the credits is very powerful.

"Wajeeleh-Yihm" by Ulali

The internets tell me that it is in the Tutelo-Saponi language and translates as follows:

Let him go
I will carry you
Let the water wash the spirit with us
Let it move away on the river
I must let you go
Again, you have come back, good

I truly love this film. I notice new things each time I watch it, and I have seen it more times I can count, considering it's been my favorite film for about ten years now. I come to this film whenever I need healing, and it never fails me.

I honestly cannot recommend this film enough. I realize it may not be for all people, but it is certainly the film for me.

Forgive, but don't forget. Take every conflict as an opportunity to learn, to grow and to become a better person. And most importantly, never stop loving.

-PW