Having some fun

So I finally saw Kalender again yesterday.

It took us a while to get together thanks to scheduling conflicts, a bit of drama llama within the circle of friends, and the death of my grandfather*.

We met in the city center and walked to the restaurant he was wanting to go to. It was closed, so I suggested we go to this Chinese place. I was craving Chinese anyway. I gave him plenty of opportunities to veto and suggest somewhere else, but he said nothing, so we to the Chinese place. I think that it's reasonably priced for how much food you get, but he must be on a really tight budget, since all he got was this tiny plate of tiny spring rolls. I felt really guilty eating my plate full of delicious chicken and broccoli with white rice and curry sauce. Of course, we each paid for ourselves. But still, I felt guilty. My bill was just under €8 (and so worth it), but his was only €4, and I think it was only that much because he thought he should get a drink because I did. Oh well. We had good conversation anyway.

Then we went back to his place and watched Sin City, since I had never seen it, and it's one of his favorites. Pretty good. It's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times before it really makes sense, but at least I have one viewing under my belt and I can understand it more next time.

And that's all we did - eat, talk, watch a movie. Once we were at his place, watching a movie with the lights dimmed, I was expecting him to make a move. I didn't really know what I would have done if he had, but he didn't. I probably would have kissed him, but drawn the line there. In retrospect, there were signs that he really wanted to make a move, but was probably too nervous. It's cute. And exactly how I wanted things to go. I have a terrible history of going to the stuff far too quickly. For once I actually didn't kiss on the first date, and it's invigorating.

The whole way home, I was grinning like an idiot, because I can tell he wants me. He really wants me. And I'm making him wait, and it's driving him crazy, and I love it. I'm not used to having this much power. I'm not being a tease, since you're not a tease if you intend to give it up eventually, but for now I enjoy playing with him a bit and watching him squirm. It's fun.

We speak mostly in English because he rarely gets a chance to practice his English, whereas I get to practice my German all the time. He has a German accent and sometimes he'll say something completely wrong, e.g. directly translating a German idiom or saying an entire sentence in German sentence structure. It's adorable. I'm totally up for seeing him again.

Meanwhile I got a Facebook message from Lucia the other day, saying that she missed hanging out, so we made plans to meet for lunch on Wednesday. I haven't seen her for a few weeks, but I am using this as a positive opportunity. Geordie always scolds me for not just telling Lucia I was gay when I could tell that she had a crush on me. I always responded that the right time had never presented itself, but it's sure to on Wednesday. Considering how long it's been she's bound to ask me what's new or something along those lines, and I will respond by mentioning that I had a date this past weekend. From there, it can go one of two ways:

Either
Lucia (nervously): Oh, how did it go?
Phillip: It went well! Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

Or
Lucia (nervously): Oh, who is she?
Phillip: This cute German guy I met named [Kalender]. Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

We'll see how this goes.

I leave you with a funny video by Dan:

Warning: NSFW



Peace.

-PW

*I'm fine, by the way, so you don't have to worry about me. I have grieved/cried, and now I am getting on with my life, as he would want me to do.

When it's time to change, then it's time to change...

A week and a half later, and things are completely different...again. Bloody hell.

This is another long post. Enjoy.

When we last left the Adventures of Phillip Wilde, Phillip was having a nice, casual, undefined something with an English guy known as Essex. They had done stuff on three separate occasions, and it was seeming that they would continue to do so, and they had last seen each other in a brief meeting at a nearby lake, with several friends in tow.

Well, here's what has happened since then:

That Monday, the head of the German division from my unnamed Baptist university (let's call him Dr. Fromm) came to my unnamed southwester German city to visit Louisa, Russky, one other girl, and me. He took us all out to dinner on Tuesday, and it was reasonably pleasant. We then decided to go get ice cream, which is a very normal occurrence in this city. As we were looking at the flavors, trying to decide what to get, we hear someone shout "[Phillip]!!!" It was Z.Q., and he was very drunk. With him were Essex and Kendra, and they all came up to us. I said to him, "Oh hi, [Z.Q.], this is [Dr. Fromm], our professor from [unnamed Baptist university]. We were just going to get some ice cream. He then proceeded to speak to our professor in bad, drunken German, using the informal second person, which is actually a bit insulting to use with a professor. Dr. Fromm was very polite and talked back to him. Meanwhile, I go to Essex and whisper in his ear "Please shut him up!" He responded that that would be impossible, which is probably true. I was completely mortified. Of all the people that we could have run into while out with Dr. Fromm, it had to be Z.Q., and he had to be drunk, and there's no telling what he could have told Dr. Fromm about my personal life if Essex and Kendra hadn't been able to drag him away. I spent the rest of the night annoyed.

I received a package from home on Wednesday, including a jar of jalapeño peppers and a large package of tortillas, so being excited, I invited a smallish group of friends, including Essex, over for tacos at my place. He couldn't come because he had too much homework, which is understandable, and he invited me to go to a Biergarten Thursday night with a bunch of people.

When I arrived at the Biergarten, about half the people I know were there, and nobody I particularly disliked, so that was a plus. Essex wasn't being very talkative, but who can get a word in edgewise when Z.Q. is there anyway? Well, Z.Q. left a bit early, and about 15 minutes later, Essex seemed ready to go too. He actually seemed a bit surprised that I didn't want to leave then too, but I still had half a beer and was having a good time hanging out with people. Whatever. So that was Thursday.

Then this past Saturday was my 21st birthday. I had invited pretty much everyone I know in this town to the festivities, not that I expected that many people to come. I just wanted to make it clear that everyone was welcome. It was just a very simple plan: a potluck picnic in the park that afternoon, and a pub crawl in the city that night. A lot of people couldn't make it because that day was also the beginning of a week off from class, so a lot of people were leaving on trips, which is perfectly fine. But Essex was one of the few people who responded to the Facebook invite as a definite yes. When it came picnic time, no one showed up but Louisa and Gotherella. I called Essex, but he said that he had gone to Colmar for the day with Z.Q. and Z.Q.'s mom, who had come to visit, but that he would be back to go out on the town that night. Well, I had a good time at the picnic with Louisa and Gotherella, so there was no harm there, and Gotherella gave me an awesome drawing, so I was in a relatively good mood, despite the small numbers.

Then when it came time to go out, everyone seemed to be unavailable except for Geordie and her friend who had come to visit. Louisa isn't really a pub crawl kind of girl, and Gotherella's parents were visiting, so I had no problem with them not coming. Then I texted Essex to let him know we were going into town, and he replied that Z.Q.'s mother had invited him to dinner, so he wouldn't be able to make it. I rolled my eyes, as dinner so would not take up the whole night, and I was annoyed that the guy I was sort of kind of seeing was blowing me off on my birthday. Whatever.

But then, after having a couple drinks in the city with Geordie and her friend, we decided to take the last tram home. I was thinking we could maybe go to the bar/dance club in our dorm complex, but as we were waiting for it, who did we see but Z.Q., Essex, and Kendra, drunk and coming to catch the same tram. Z.Q.'s mother was nowhere in sight. There's no way they could have gotten that drunk in the time in the time they would have had after having dinner. They had to have been out drinking at least since the time when Essex sent me that text. Essex barely said a word to me, and got off the tram to go home to his place, two stops before where I get off.

I haven't seen or had any contact with him since. I hate it when people lie to me. Geordie and I have come to the conclusion that Essex has gone back to being in an unhealthy obsessive whatever with Z.Q., like they had had several months ago. That wouldn't have bothered me so much if he hadn't lied to me about it. At least Buachaill was upfront with me about giving Czech boy another chance, and because of his honesty and since Geordie told me that Czech boy really is a great guy, I am no longer upset with Buachaill. I'm happy he's found someone. But rejection is so much easier to deal with when someone is upfront and honest about it, not when they lie and make excuses and ignore you. That's what Lip Ring did, and we all know how well that has worked out for him and what that has done for my self-esteem.

So I have decided that Essex is out of the picture. If he doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me, then he's not worth the time of day. So I spent Sunday, Monday, and most of Tuesday being angry at men in general. Then I logged on to the dating site and got a message from Kalender, asking if I wanted to do something again some time in the near future. I asked what he had in mind and told him about how busy I have been lately, going on day trips and trying to get the most of this week off. He said that if I wanted to relax, I could come hang out with him some time on his couch and watch a movie. Of course, I know what he means by that; that's how I ended up staying the night with Lip Ring. But I wasn't going to let him get off that easily, so I suggested we have dinner first and see what happens from there. He said he could cook something or we could get some pizza to go from the Italian place he lives over. That sneaking devil. Whenever we actually do get together again, I will make sure we actually eat in a restaurant. He's got to prove himself before he gets at any of what he's trying to get at.

So long story short: Essex lies and gets the boot, Kalender may be back in the picture, and I am not upset with Buachaill, so stop trying to comfort me about it.

Now have some cute music:



-PW

A developing situation

Things are still going on with Essex.

Yesterday, Geordie asked me what I would call it. I think it's too early to put a label on it. I mean, we've only known each other a little more than a week.

But here is a description of what we have done since my last post:

Wednesday, he invited me to dinner at his place. We had a simple pasta dinner and cooked way too much. A bit of kissing and cuddling afterward. Then we went to the city to meet some of his friends for Karaoke night at one of the two Irish pubs in town. It was three English girls, Essex, a flamboyant American guy I've known for a while (let's call him Z.Q.), and me. It was a rather relaxed time, hanging out, drinking Kilkenny and Bailey's. The Karaoke didn't start until late because there was a football (soccer) match on TV that was running long. By the time we were able to go up and sing, only four of us were left: Z.Q., Essex, one of the girls (let's call her Kendra), and me. We sang "Waterloo" by ABBA and then ran to catch our last tram home.

After that, Z.Q. and Kendra went home, and Essex and I swung by my flat so I could drop off my jacket before going to the nightclub/bar in my humongous student compound, since Wednesday is always a party night there, and that Thursday was a holiday, so I didn't have to worry about going to bed early. Well, as soon as we got in my room, we started kissing. We never made it to the club. So he stayed the night, and it was really nice. We did more of the same stuff, but we also talked a lot.

As Essex was leaving Thursday morning, we decided to meet in the city that night for dinner. I then spent most of the day sleeping. Then I checked my email and got an email from my mom saying that my Grandpa has taken a turn for the worse. He has senile dementia and highly advanced cancer. Well, I didn't take the news very well, and I almost canceled dinner with Essex, but Geordie convinced me that it would help get my mind off it, so I got myself ready and went.

I was in the mood for Indian food, so I went to a place that Russky really likes, and that I had been to a couple times and really enjoyed. The food was good, the conversation was good, the weather was terrible. It was also funny because he has some strange aversion to eating peas, yet he ordered samosas, knowing full well that they pretty much always have peas in them. He just picked out all the peas, losing about half of his samosa in the process. We just had dinner and then went to our respective homes, which was all we really needed to do that night.

I made plans with Geordie and Louisa to go to the Titisee on Saturday, and by a complete coincidence, Essex had also made plans to go to the Titisee that day with Z.Q., Kendra, and another girl. We didn't really make any specific plans to meet up, but we said we would just get a hold of each other once we were there. They missed our picnic because they were out on a paddleboat, although they did paddle over toward us briefly. When they finished and came over, we had already packed up our picnic, and were about to go get a paddleboat ourselves. They had to leave pretty soon after anyway, so we just said bye.

Also, something relevant to this blog happened during our picnic. To preface, I had yet to come out to Louisa. Anyway, so just in the course of our picnic conversation, Geordie asked me how my date had gone. It went something like this:

Geordie: So [Phillip], how did your date the other day go?
Me: Oh, it went just fine. We just had dinner and then went home.
Louisa: Oh, you had a date! With whom?
Me: Oh, no one.
Louisa: Come on, just tell me.
Me: It's not important.
Geordie: Come on. If you don't tell her, I will.
Louisa: So who is it.
Me: [Essex].

Well, so I'm out to Louisa now. She probably already had an idea about it anyway. I've just been more wary about coming out to people from my unnamed Baptist university.

In other news, I have discovered a lot of gay vloggers on YouTube recently, after this video showed up in my "Recommended" box:



After this video, I really started looking into a few of these guys.

Davey Wavey is goofy and fun and doesn't take anything too seriously.

Scotty is quite a bit like me, logical, educated, and trying to reconcile his homosexuality with his religious beliefs.

And Dan is just cool and relaxed with a level head.

Check them out if you have some time.

I leave you with a song that has been stuck in my head for a couple days now:



Peace and love.

-PW

*cough* Well, then...

Okay, so things have changed a bit since my last post.

Note: This is a long post. If you have a problem with that, tough! I've got a lot to say today, and it's my blog, so *nanny nanny boo boo*, *voiceless linguolabial trill*, usw.

So soon after I arrived at a friend's birthday party on Friday, which was quite an event, Buachaill told me we needed to talk. That, of course, is rarely a good thing. Long story short, he had been seeing this Czech guy before he started seeing me, but he broke that off because the Czech guy was being a flake, which I already knew. Toward the end of this past week, Czech guy contacted him again and was really apologetic, and Buachaill decided to give Czech guy another chance. I'm glad he was honest with me, but I was still upset. I think I hid it reasonably well. Okay, well Geordie and Umlaut could tell, but they already knew what was going on.

I still had a pretty good time at the party, although I did have a few moments. Namely, when he and I went back up to the party after our little chat, I let him go in first, while I stayed a moment in the empty hallway and silently shouted a stream of obscenities. The only other one was when I was going back into the party after using the toilet, only to find that Buachaill was right in the middle of all the people I was about to go over to, so then I quietly excused myself and went outside for a brief pity party, with the general sentiment of "Why the hell do guys never choose me?!" I haven't exactly had the best track record in that field.

Well anyway, I did still enjoy the party, and I didn't drink any more than I normally would at such a party, although I may have drunk my normal amount within a smaller period of time.

At the party, I also met someone. He's English, and will be called Essex in this blog. He's cute, slim and kind of short, although not as short as Shorty. He is very Southern English, in contrast to Geordie, who is from the north. His accent is probably what most Americans would think of first when thinking of an English accent, or at least as much as Received Pronunciation and Cockney. His is the kind of accent where people say 'bruvva' instead of 'brother' and 'wo-a' instead of 'water'. It's cute.

Considering the people we both know, we really should have met before then, but somehow we hadn't, although we had seen each other. Well, we were talking, when he said "Follow me" and went out into the hallway. I followed him and we had a good snog. Strangely enough, we weren't seen by very many people, although the people who did see us did include Geordie and Buachaill. I was a little embarrassed that Buachaill saw us, but it was a bit late. If he was bothered by it, he really didn't have the right to be, since he was the one who had ended it with me, and all he and I had done was snog and go on one casual date, after which nothing happened.

At the end of the night, when it was pretty clear that Essex and I were going to spend the night together, Geordie just told me "Be safe." That was her response when I asked her what she thought. I trust her enough that I wouldn't have spent the night with him if she had told me it was a bad idea.

So we spent Friday night together at my place. We didn't do everything, but we did do...stuff. And during the stuff, we talked a lot about a lot of different things. When I woke up Saturday morning, I realized that I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I got up and let him sleep some more. I got online and chatted with my friend Loon, whom I know from Texas, although she is currently in a different unnamed foreign country. I had told her about Buachaill a couple days before, and I felt the need to tell her about the change. She actually seemed a lot more excited when I mentioned Essex than when I had told her about Buachaill, but she (like quite a few of my friends) is a bit of and anglophile. I also have several hibernophile friends, but that's no the point. I think her exact words when I told her about Essex and that he had spent were "w00t!" She also assured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Essex convinced me to go out clubbing in the city Saturday night, and it was very heavily implied that we would stay at his place afterward. Actually, I think it was said outright, but it just sounds better to say that it was heavily implied.

After having a good chat and dinner with Geordie, who was also going to go clubbing in the city that night, I promptly fell asleep 45 minutes before I was supposed to meet Geordie at her place for a pre-game. (That's when you drink a bit at someone's house before going out, so you don't have to buy as many over-priced drinks when you're at the club.) I woke up about thirty minutes after I was supposed to go to Geordie's, which actually was the time I was supposed to meet Essex in the city. I texted him that I was running a bit late. When I got to Geordie's, she, Umlaut, Thóin and Buachaill were there. *sigh* I should have seen that coming.

I kept trying to convince people that it was time to go, and I texted to Essex that I had to wait for Geordie, because I didn't want to go into the city by myself. For a moment there, Geordie started talking that maybe she didn't want to go into the city after all. Normally, I would agree; there's a nightclub/bar right in our student compound and it's a lot cheaper, but I really wanted to go meet Essex. We finally ended up going to the city on the last tram, getting there at 12:30. Essex had been waiting for me for quite a while. At least he had been there with his friends and not just there alone. Still, he understood that sometimes it's difficult to convince friends that it's time to go.

------------

On a (not so) quick side note: Two weeks ago (when Buachaill was still with Czech guy for the first time), I met a German guy, whom we'll call Kalender, on a gay dating site. Different from (and better than) the one where I met Lip Ring. I actually joined it because Buachaill recommended it. It's where he met Czech guy. Kalender is cute as well, slim and almost as tall as I am. We met and went to the only gay bar in town, which he admits is kind of shitty, but his best friend is the bartender, so it's fun anyway. All we did was hang out in the bar with his friends and play cards. Well, he also bought weed from his bartender friend, rolled it into a joint and smoked it right in front of me. That doesn't bother me really, but I think it's funny as hell. I failed to blog about him because my Internet connection went down the next day, and by the time I got it back a week later, Buachaill had already happened, and I just sort of forgot. Well, when we were getting off the tram this Saturday night to go to the club where I was to meet Essex, he was getting on. It was just a smile, a wave, and Geordie knowing exactly who he was without me even having to tell her. It's really weird that I suddenly have all these options. My love life was all but non-existent in Texas.

------------

Okay, so we went into the club and I met Essex. Geordie commented in my ear that I was looking too grumpy and tense. I replied that I wouldn't be if she would take Buachaill out onto the dancefloor so that he wasn't right there. Essex and I had a decent time, and after a bit of awkward dancing (not because it's awkward between us; I'm just an awkward dancer), we decided we had had enough of the club, said our goodbyes and walked to his place.

At his place, we did all the same stuff we had done the night before, but we did it more, and I would say it was a bit better too. Maybe because we were more relaxed. Although I did notice that we didn't talk as much. Really just the stuff. We woke up this morning and did some more stuff before I went home.

I really haven't done anything today. Just chat with Geordie online and spend way too much time reading random crap on Wikipedia. Now I've been writing this blog post for far too long and need to go to bed, so I'm just going to wrap this up.

Essex suggested we go out for dinner some time this week. I was about to suggest it myself. So here goes another try.

-PW

Aaaaaaand I'm back!

Please disregard that last post. It was a moment of weakness. Besides, I have totally moved on from that now.

'How?' you may ask? Well, because I have met a great guy, and this time the interest is actually mutual!

He's Irish. Let's just call him something simple: Buachaill.

We've known each other for a couple weeks. We met through mutual friends, namely Geordie and another (straight) Irish guy, whom we will call the Leprechaun. Of course they met Buachaill through another mutual friend, whom (to vary slightly from what everyone has been guessing would be his nickname in this blog) we will call Thóin.* Thóin goes to the same university in Dublin as Buachaill.

Ḫanyway, so he and I expressed our mutual interest at a party this past Friday, after being nudged toward each other by Geordie, who has taken to calling herself my Fairy Godmother. We had our first real date last night. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it at this point, since it's really too soon, but I will say that he's cute, down-to-earth, and a good kisser. If you want to know more, please direct your inquiries to im.trapped.and.need.out (at) gmail dot com.

I will leave you with a video that really makes me think about my not-always-so-open relationship with my mom. When I finally do come out to her, I think this video will be a good resource.



-PW

*For those of you who know what this means, let me assure you, I mean it (mostly) jokingly.

A relapse and a friendly suggestion

Well, I had thought I was over my crush on the Finn, but now that his girlfriend has gone back to Finland, he's looking a lot more attractive again. We were out yesterday with a big group, and when we saw each other, he smiled at me the same smile that I had loved so much before, and I got a brief moment of giddiness.

Then I just thought:

Ooh, maybe he's bi... Damnit Phillip, quit it!

Geordie just met him last night, and she said that she would try out her gaydar on him and get back to me. Ach, so.

-------------------------------------------

And just a side note to all the girls out there:
If you are a little broad in the shoulder, spaghetti straps are NOT your friend. They only make you look broader. It would look better either strapless or with straps at least an inch wide.

And while we're at it, just because you really like a color, does not mean that it's a good color for you, i.e. Not all girls have the right coloration to wear pink. It's not a personal attack or anything. Everyone has a color that just does not look good on them (I look like a damn fool in yellow), and for some of you, that color is pink. Try blue. Trust me.

-PW

Offenheit

So I've been meaning to blog about this for a week now, but I've finally come out to some people here in Germany.

Strangely enough, it was to people I had only known for a week.

Geordie - a girl from northern England
Woods - a girl from Singapore
Umlaut - a girl from Massachusetts

I'm also starting to reveal a little bit more about myself. I was with some friends (including the three I just mentioned) playing "I've Never", and I drank when another guy said that he had never done anything sexual with a guy. Of course, that doesn't necessarily prove to them I'm gay, but it leaves the possibility open. Funnily enough, the other guy drank too, but I'm pretty sure he's just a straight guy who has dabbled. Oh, and Lucia was there too. Maybe eventually she'll get the message.

I've also come up with a new rule for myself: NO CRUSHING ON STRAIGHT GUYS. It can never end well. It really hasn't been much of a problem since late-ish in high school, but this whole business with the Finn sort of mixed me up a bit. In my defense, I really could not determine his sexual orientation. For a while, I thought a friend of his who came to visit might be his boyfriend. Then it would have violated my preexisting rule of no crushing on guys in relationships.*

Other than that, I don't think there's really anything important to say, except that my regular semester here in Germany begins today. Wish me luck.

-PW

*See The Rules of Dating or any post that mentions Lip Ring.