An Epiphany and New Possibilities

So last night, as I was coming home from rehearsal, I started thinking about what Flippy Hair did (or rather didn't do) with all the people who auditioned for vocal parts and didn't get them.

And then it hit me - it's exactly what he did to me last Spring. We put ourselves out there with the audition, and then he just never responded. That is exactly what he did last year when I told him I liked him.

That boy needs to realize that a flat-out rejection is better than no response at all, because then at least you're being honest. It's just rude.

It doesn't bother me as much that I didn't get a part. It's that he didn't have the courtesy to tell me so.

On a lighter note, I do seem to have made a new friend or two in the past two rehearsals. I already seem to be closer to the girl - let's call her Kiddo. We started talking when she, the guy - let's call him Durwood - and I were all standing next to each other in a formation.

Durwood pretty much has no filter on what he says, so he started talking about how many gay guys there are in the group. So Kiddo and I joined in, and we determined that there are only 4 straight guys, even though there are definitely more who claim to be. Meanwhile, another girl - let's call her Harmony - just stood by and laughed. Ah, good times. I have concluded that Durwood is like the four-year-old who says what everyone is thinking but no one wants to say out loud.

Okay, so that's it for now.

*lurve*

-PW

High school never ends

Make that middle school.

More of the same from Lip Ring. About a week ago, he IMs me telling me to text him. I reply that I don't text and that if he wants to talk to me he can either IM or call me. Haven't heard from him since. Nothing new there.

Rehearsals with the revue group are in full blast. And Flippy Hair has changed. He used to be pleasantly confident. Now he's a self-centered, elitist, passive-aggressive bitch. He's the music chair and he's basically just given all the vocal parts to his best friends, and he doesn't even bother to tell people when they audition for something and don't get it. I feel snubbed, and I'm not the only one. There are several very talented people who have nothing.

If I wasn't over him before, I am now. I am just so done with all this shit.

The group has gotten extremely clique-y and the officers of the group are the clique-iest of all. That's so incredibly contrary to what this group was founded on. The whole point is so that people don't have to be excluded from participating in the huge musical competition just because they aren't in a fraternity or sorority. But now within the group, there are the 'cool kids' and the 'not cool kids'. It's bullshit.

Hitherto, my college life has not been like this. My high school wasn't even like this. I have had to deal with this shit since I was in middle school. And I was freaking miserable in middle school.

I just feel like all my hard work to be friendly, to avoid being socially awkward, to make new friends, has just been worthless. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself until very recently, until person after person, group after group, has told me that I'm just not good enough.

Fuck it.

I am really a very insecure person. I do not handle exclusion well. I never have. Whenever I feel that I am being personally and undeservedly snubbed, I just want to scream. But that's not socially appropriate, so instead I listen to emotional, anguished, self-questioning German music.

Voilà 'Gutes Tun' from Wicked: Die Hexen von Oz
Sung by the incomparable Willemijn Verkaik



Even if you don't understand German, she is so expressive, you know exactly what she is saying by the tone in her voice.

And that is how I feel right now.

-PW

Scheiße

I saw Lip Ring today.

Lip Ring and his boyfriend.

At a concert.

The same band at whose concert we met in person for the first time.

Jeezy Creezy, I just stared at them.

I don't think he recognized me, since I cut my hair.

He looked exactly the same as he did last April.

I came so close so many times to going up to the two of them and just say, 'Hi, [Lip Ring].'

And then if his boyfriend asked how we knew each other, I could either be nice and say we met at a concert, or be a bitch and say 'We had sex. But don't worry, it was before you two were together. Although he has propositioned me twice since you've been together because he's a cheating asshole.'

Then again, later I looked over at the two of them and thought, 'I am way cuter than he is. And I'm actually good in bed. Oh well, [Lip Ring]'s loss.'

Ach, I'm losing my bloody mind.

I'm pretty sure Flippy Hair is dating this guy who went to my high school.

And Adam's Apple's Facebook says he is now in a relationship.

Bloody hell, what is wrong with me?

[/emo whining]

On the bright side, the concert was omgamazing.

And I really need to go to bed now. I have to work in the morning.

-PW

Follicular adventures

Those of you who know me in real life should know that I have been growing out my hair for the past 3 years.

From the beginning, people asked me how long I would grow it, and my answer has always been "until I don't like it anymore."

Well, with the great changes that are happening in my life (going to Germany in 3 months, having an apartment when I get back, usw.), I decided it was time for a change. Since I had gotten to the point where I hardly ever wore it down, I decided that once my hair was long enough to donate to Locks of Love, I would cut it off.

And I did it today.



After the initial shock wore off, I came to the conclusion that it's totally smexy.

Christmas was good. Not much to say there.

Happy new year, everyone! Don't do anything I wouldn't do. ;)

-PW

Musings

It's that time of year again - when people come together and make sure their loved ones know just how much they love them. And I have plenty of loved ones, but there's always the reminder that I don't have a 'beloved'.

I hung up my family's stockings today, and other than my 17-month-old niece and me, my whole immediate family is made up of couples: my parents and my three sisters with their respective husbands/fiancés.

And with all my college friends gone home for the holidays, I find myself alone a lot, which makes me fantasize about all the attractive gay guys I know.

Then I realize that I don't especially want to be with any of them. I just want to be with someone. I would gladly date Lip Ring, Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, the Artist, or Shorty, as they're all attractive, fun, and within an acceptable age range.

But Lip Ring is still in a relationship, which he says he wants out of, but he doesn't do anything about it. So he's out based on Dating Rule #1.

Neither Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, nor the Artist have ever shown any interest in me, and I'm too chicken shit to make a move after my last attempt at that failed miserably.

And I'm not even completely sure that Shorty is gay. He confuses my gaydar and that of all my friends.

But really, how will I ever find anyone if I wait just for someone else to come to me. Same-sex dating at an unnamed Baptist university with homophobic policies is a real bitch.

I just have to keep up hope and have the courage to try, because if I never try, nothing will ever happen.

-PW

The rules of dating

So, after explaining to Lip Ring for the 3rd (at least) time why we cannot fool around right now, I've decided to write out a definitive set of rules that I follow in the field of dating. I also use these when giving others advice.

1. Absolutely NO CHEATING, and no condonation, advocation, or facilitation thereof.
1a. Cheating is defined as intimate activity, be it physical, emotional, or virtual, with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, without the consent of the person with whom they are in the relationship.
1b. Even if the relationship is on the rocks, it is still cheating until the relationship is officially over.
1c. A relationship is not considered officially over until there is some confirmation from both parties. Both being listed as 'single' on Facebook and/or Myspace is generally sufficient, unless the parties involved are especially untrustworthy, in which case you should not date them anyway.

2. Although spending time with your SO/whatever is important, you should not ignore your friends and spend all your time with your SO/whatever.

3. Keep PDA to a minimum. Hand-holding, hugs, and pecks are sweet and perfectly acceptable; tongue-kissing, neck-sucking, ear-nibbling, groping, usw., are not. Save that for when you are alone. Please note: Even the 'acceptable' activities can become annoying and unacceptable if done too much. (See Rule #2.)

4. Do not make major decisions (e.g. where you live/work/go to school, getting a tatoo) based on your SO/whatever, unless the relationship is well-established, stable, and has lasted at least 9 uninterrupted months, although a year or three is even better.

5. Absolutely NO CHEATING. This one is important enough to be listed twice. Cheating can possibly be forgiven on a case-to-case basis, if much honest and humble pennance is performed by the offender and the offense is never, EVER repeated. Sadly, the statement 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is true more often than not.

This list may be amended as different things occur to me.

-PW

My current musical obsession:

Army of Lovers, a Swedish pop group from the late 80s through the mid-to-late 90s, and again in the early 2000s.



They're decadent, glamorous, and their songs are just so damn catchy.



They're campy and sexy.



Of course, they're called a 'Swedish pop group' because that's the common thread between them all. In reality, they're quite diverse:

Alexander Bard - just your average Swedish 'bisexual libertine', who was pretty hot, before he converted to Zoroastrianism and grew a gross beard that makes him look like Father Time.
Jean-Pierre Barda - the Algerian-French-Swedish bisexual Jew, who also makes a living as a hair stylist and a make-up artist for Europe's elite. He likes to wear even skimpier clothing than the ladies of the group.
Camilla 'La Camilla' Henemark - the half-Nigerian, half-Swedish beauty, a diva who left the group for a few years to pursue an unsuccessful solo career before eventually coming back to the group. She likes to wear short dresses that show off her pretty pretty panties and her bountiful bosoms. She also seems to wear crowns in a lot of their music videos. Gee, I wonder why.
Michaela Dornonville de la Cour - the French-Swedish blonde bombshell who came in when La Camilla left, and was subsequently given the boot when Camilla returned.
Dominika Peczynski - the sexy Polish-Russian-Swedish Jewess, who joined during the de la Cour years, but remained after the return of La Camilla.



Sometimes, they can be a bit vulgar, but it's all in the groove.



They continued to evolve, fitting right in when they made their 2001 comeback.



And they just make me feel all sunny inside.



-PW