Wednesday, November 9, 2011

That for me, it isn't over.

People always say that it's hard to get over your first love, but I thought I would be further along by now.

It's not like I'm trying to get Lomond back. It just that I still think of him every day. He always seemed so sad, even when he was happy, and I wonder how he's doing. I saw him this past Friday at the Homecoming bonfire of our beloved unnamed Baptist university, but we didn't talk to each other. I'm not sure that he even noticed me.

That was just a day after I realized just how not over him I am. So here's the story.

A few weeks ago, I started messaging back and forth with this guy from PlentyofFish, let's call him Glatze. I wasn't particularly interested at first, but he kind of grew on me. Eventually our messages came to the point of being dirty, and hey, we were both lonely and horny. No harm in helping each other out. It only started to bother me when the dirty messages started to outnumber the non-dirty. I knew then that this probably wasn't the guy for me.

But anyway, he made plans to come up from Houston to see me on Halloween, and I actually had a pretty good time. First, I was doing a weapons and armor display at the local zoo's Halloween event, walking around in a full suit of plate armor and letting people punch me with a buckler. I had him meet me there at the zoo, and it was fun. Once the zoo event ended, he and I finally got to have a proper conversation, and we decided to get dinner at the Vietnamese place in town, which was good, and then we went walking around downtown trying to find a good place to have drinks, but all the places I like were closed. So then we went to his hotel room.

And that's when the evening went downhill. Making out was nice. It made me feel alive. But as we started taking our clothes off to do stuff, my attraction to him waned. That was only the second time I ever did stuff with a guy when I really wasn't into it. (The other time was two years ago with Pendejo.) So yeah.

For a couple days, I struggled with feeling guilty. My epiphany came on Thursday when I had my music on shuffle, and I had to skip three songs in a row because they all reminded me of Lomond. I realized that I really wasn't ready to pursue something with someone else, because I still carry Lomond around with me. Glatze tried to invite me to his office Christmas party, and I told him I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth about not being interested in him until that night. But it was better to tell him sooner, rather than leading him on.

So that's over. Meanwhile, I think I'm finally backing off from my obsession with Adele's album 21. The whole album is about her breakup, approached from several different angles, and every song seems like it was written just for me.

So there you go. I think of Lomond when I listen to music, when I go shopping, when I drive past his house on the way to my Grandma's... I'll get there eventually.

But I'm not there yet.