Thursday, October 30, 2008

A plague of illogic

Hmm. Nothing has really changed in my love life, yet for once I actually don't feel completely empty. Maybe it's because I'm actually getting to where I can be happy without longing constantly for someone, or maybe because I am just too riled up by Proposition 8 in California.

Not that I am unaccustomed to horrendous homophobic clauses written into state constitutions. My own Texas ratified an amendment three years ago banning marriages and all marriage-like unions between anyone other than one man and one woman. But I still get so angry when I hear about people being so resistant of equal marriage rights.

I can understand some people not wanting to call a homosexual union 'marriage' because they think of that term as having a religious connotation, but saying that straight people can have a 'marriage' but gay people can only have a 'civil union' just reminds me too much of Plessy v. Ferguson: 'separate, but equal,' and we all know how well that turned out.

If people are so adamant about the religious connotation of the word 'marriage,' then the state should not have anything to do with marriages at all. Call all legal unions, gay or straight, 'civil unions.' That can be the legal aspect, and then marriages, gay or straight, can be performed and recognized by religious entities if they so choose.

I have yet to hear an argument against same-sex unions that actually have a solid ground, since I have yet to hear an argument against same-sex unions that doesn't quote the Bible and/or jump to ridiculous conclusions about it opening the door for legalized bestiality or something like that.

I see no reason why two consenting adults (or more, but that's another discussion) should not be able to have the legal benefits of marriage. It would 'harm the institution of marriage' much less than divorce does, but you don't see any states holding a referendum to ban divorce. It's just all so illogical.

*sigh* Maybe I should just move to Canada, where homosexuals are actually treated like human beings.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Okay, scratch that last post.

Well, at least the first paragraph.

A few minutes after writing that last post, I noticed Lip Ring signing on. I sent him a "Hi, how are you?" and he actually replied. Go ahead and gasp; you know you want to. I was just as surprised as you are. He's so bloody wishy-washy.

A bit of small talk before I asked how it was going with his boyfriend, and he said it was going well. We talked a bit about school and my recent trip to Dallas, and then I had to go to a meeting.

When I got back about 10 minutes ago, I messaged him again that I was back if he still wanted to talk, but he hasn't replied, so I'm just going to go take a shower.

That's about it.


Éiníní, éiníní, codalaígí, codalaígí. Codalaígí, codalaígí, cois an claí amuigh

Not much has changed since my last post, really. Lip Ring is still ignoring me, or rather ignoring me again. It sure seems like an ongoing thing, though.

I listen to my friends and agree that they're right in saying that I should just forget him because he's just an ass, and I deserve better.

It was just nice to have somebody. But he was just somebody, when what I really need is somebody.

I'll be fine. It's just hard sometimes.

My current mood is heavily influenced by my current music, beautiful yet a bit sad. That is also the source of the title for this post, which translates as:

Little birds, little birds, all sleep, all sleep.
All sleep, all sleep, beside the wall outside.

The song is "Éiníní," traditional Irish, sung by Abby Green. She's really wonderful. Check her out at her Myspace.

I've got to get ready for a meeting now.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Being the *odd number*-th wheel

It seems like all my friends her at my unnamed Baptist university are paired up:

CSI Friend and KoP (living together)
Teacher Friend and Aladdin
Blonde Friend and Army Guy (they got married last week)
Koopa and CompSci Guy

Out of the people at school whom I consider to be my good friends, that basically just leaves Black Rose who is still single.

I mean, I love my friends like nothing else, but it's hard sometimes being the single guy surrounded by couples.

I keep feeling more and more like Robert from Company, happy with my friends, but with no one around to answer my kazoo.


Thursday, October 9, 2008


Hmm, so I finally heard from Lip Ring again. God, I just don't know what is up with that guy.

I almost immediately asked if he had spoken to his boyfriend about the issues he was having. He said he had, and that they tried a solution to it, but it didn't work very well. He's still with the guy, but he's not happy.

Then there was some small-talk until he said, seemingly out of nowhere, 'hmm, you must have a nice selection of freshmen at [unnamed Baptist university] lol'. After cocking my eyebrow for a moment, I replied that although I don't generally like younger guys, there was a freshman guy on whom I had my eye, i.e. Shorty. I said that Shorty was adorable, 'despite the fact that he's at least six inches shorter than I am, or perhaps because of it.' He then turned the conversation dirty, saying 'shit---well makes him better at bj level'.

It just went downhill from there, with him describing sex act after sex act, and me telling him to stop, not to get me excited when my roommate was in the room. Then came this exchange:

[21:28] Phillip Wilde: I do believe you're trying to stir up some trouble.
[21:29] Lip Ring: hmmm
[21:29] LR: maybe
[21:30] LR: you know ud like it
[21:30] PW: Of course I would. Now if only I could find someone to do it with.
[21:31] LR: :-(
[21:31] PW: Why the sad face?
[21:32] LR: am i no good at sex?
[21:32] LR: as i recall u werre hardcore moaning
[21:32] PW: You are. But I will not do anything with you while you are in a relationship with someone else. We've discussed this before.
[21:34] PW: If there comes a time when we're both single and in the same place, call me up and we'll have mind-blowing sex.
[21:34] PW: But I won't be the other man.
[21:35] PW: Are you going to say anything?
[21:36] LR: i dunno what to say
[21:38] PW: I think we could have something great, but you don't know what you want right now.
[21:38] LR: as in a relationship?
[21:38] PW: You say you want a relationship.
[21:39] LR: no im asking
[21:39] PW: Well, you're in a relationship, but you're willing to jeopardize it for sex.
[21:40] LR: im staying in it for him
[21:40] LR: he was a disaster
[21:40] LR: now i've got to ween him of
[21:40] PW: Then why were you asking about you being good in bed? Why did you make a sad face when I said I needed to find someone to sleep with?
[21:41] PW: So you want out of your relationship?
[21:41] LR: I mean I care about him alot--- but it more supportive than actual love
[21:41] LR: thats the conclusion ive come to
[21:42] PW: If you think the relationship doesn't have a future, then you should end it. Otherwise, you're just leading him on.
[21:42] PW: It'll be hard at first, but maybe you could eventually get back to being friends.
[21:43] LR: id rather be fake for awhile to rebuild himself than have a suicide on my hands
[21:45] PW: Understandable. Do what you have to do.
[21:45] LR: I'm not leading him on---- im building his confidence back up
[21:45] LR: but killing myself in the process
[21:47] LR: i' sorry, i can't talk about this aymore. its making me sick to my stomach. i'm gonna go smoke a bowl. i'll ttyl
[21:47] *** "Lip Ring" signed off at Wed Oct 08 21:47:14 2008.

I really just don't know what to think. Am I crazy that I can't stop wanting to try being with him despite all the shit he's done? I mean, he's been quite an arse to me and to his boyfriend. Am I only interested in the sex? At least I'm strong enough to say no, no matter how much I want it. And I definitely want it.

Augh, I don't have time to think about this right now; I need to go take a shower and study for the two midterms I have tomorrow.


Monday, October 6, 2008

A Renaissance of Love

Alright, so that title sounds like some kind of hippie mumbo-jumbo. Whatever. It's the best I can think of right now.

So I performed at a Renaissance Festival the past two weekends. It's a smaller festival, only in its third season, and I've been there all three.

So this Saturday, there was a young gay couple sitting together at the end of the day pubsing. In fact, they were about my age and students at one of the smaller colleges in the same town as my unnamed Baptist university. One of them is a culinary student who was working food service for the faire. Anyway, so when I looked over and saw two young men sitting together and resting on each other, I just thought 'Aww, that's sweet. They're happy.'

But I could tell that they had become the curiostiy of the pubsing, attracting as much attention from the patrons about as the performers in the form of silent looks and whispered comments. Some seemed to feel the same as I did. Some seemed to be a bit uncomfortable. Others were just curious. Not really a lot to say about this incident. I just think it's interesting watching different people's reactions to a gay couple acting just like any straight couple.

I've said previously that at renfaires I neither broadcast nor make any real effort to hid my homosexuality. Not that I really mind most of the people there knowing that I'm gay, and I generally give people an honest answer if they ask, but if they don't ask, I generally like to remain a little ambiguous.

So there is this family - father, mother, and two daughers about my age - I knew from church many years ago when I was a child, but our church ceased to exist when I was 12, and we stopped seeing each other. Well, we rediscovered each other last year at this very renfaire, both being performers there. Well, actually, we had had a chance encounter one year before that at the first season of this faire, in which we were in complete darkness and sang back and forth, but since it was so dark, we never saw each other's face and so never recognized each other.

Well, they as a music group have joined the same music group of which I am a member for most of our shows, except this particular faire at which we perform separately. Anyway, so I have rekindled my friendship with the two daughters, particularly the older of the two, hereafter referred to as Lore. She liked me when we were children, and I knew, well kind of. I don't know if I knew then, but I know in retrospect. Well, that and she told me today, but that comes later in this story.

Today, she and her younger sister, let's call her Blueberry, just finally asked me. After a minute of trying to answer with subtle gestures, I eventually just said it. For some reason, people never seem to understand me when I'm trying to be subtle. Anyway, Lore then asked if I wanted to take a walk around the faire. I understood that that meant she wanted to talk, just the two of us. We had a nice, long talk about our pasts, our thoughts, my 'journey' if you will, and her tendency to fall for gay guys. I think we'll be just fine. In fact, we're IMing right now.

So that's what's been on my mind this weekend.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

An ongoing saga

So I finally heard from Lip Ring again. He texted me yesterday, saying "I haven't been ignoring you yo, I hardly ever get on myspace anymore. Things are okay I guess. I'm in love, just not completely sexually happy."

I call bullshit on him saying that he just hasn't been getting on Myspace. Does he not realize that Myspace tells you if your sent messages have been read? *sigh* I think I'm just done with him completely. Whenever I try to be his friend instead of 'the other man,' he just ignores me, and now he's lying to me about it.

I had dinner tonight with my two best friends here at my unnamed Baptist university, hereafter referred to as Teacher Friend (she's an education major) and CSI Friend (she's a forensic science major). After we finished, none of us really wanted to go home to do homework, so we ended up staying in the cafeteria for quite a while, long enough for Shorty to come join us after a meeting he had.

Shorty has only recently come into our close-knit group. He's a freshman, whom we probably would never have come to know if he hadn't been childhood friends with Teacher Friend, but he actually fits in with our group rather well. We (being me, CSI Friend, Teacher Friend, and their roommate Blonde Friend) have also discussed on more than one occasion whether we think Shorty is gay. We have all gotten a vibe, but none of us feel absolutely sure in either direction. We've generally come to the conclusion that he isn't really sure himself yet.

This may sound kind of selfish, but I kind of hope he is gay. He's really cute and really easy to get along with. I've actually discussed this with Teacher Friend as well, and she said that if he is gay, then I should go for it, and that we would make a really cute couple.

I noticed today that he has really long eyelashes. I think he is officially my number one crush now.

Teacher Friend and I went to a meeting of the musical revue group tonight, where I saw Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, and the Artist. I still think they're all adorable, and I would probably date any one of them if I had the courage, but the bulk of my attention has turned to Shorty.

Man, sometimes I just think of how stupid it is that I stay in the closet, almost surely sealing my loneliness. I wish the administration at my unnamed Baptist university would just take their heads out of their own arses and realize that gays are not subversive pedophiles who lure upstanding men into their dens of sin. Then maybe I could have a chance at a normal love life.

Well, a man can dream, can't he?