Thursday, October 9, 2008

Torn

Hmm, so I finally heard from Lip Ring again. God, I just don't know what is up with that guy.

I almost immediately asked if he had spoken to his boyfriend about the issues he was having. He said he had, and that they tried a solution to it, but it didn't work very well. He's still with the guy, but he's not happy.

Then there was some small-talk until he said, seemingly out of nowhere, 'hmm, you must have a nice selection of freshmen at [unnamed Baptist university] lol'. After cocking my eyebrow for a moment, I replied that although I don't generally like younger guys, there was a freshman guy on whom I had my eye, i.e. Shorty. I said that Shorty was adorable, 'despite the fact that he's at least six inches shorter than I am, or perhaps because of it.' He then turned the conversation dirty, saying 'shit---well makes him better at bj level'.

It just went downhill from there, with him describing sex act after sex act, and me telling him to stop, not to get me excited when my roommate was in the room. Then came this exchange:

[21:28] Phillip Wilde: I do believe you're trying to stir up some trouble.
[21:29] Lip Ring: hmmm
[21:29] LR: maybe
[21:30] LR: you know ud like it
[21:30] PW: Of course I would. Now if only I could find someone to do it with.
[21:31] LR: :-(
[21:31] PW: Why the sad face?
[21:32] LR: am i no good at sex?
[21:32] LR: as i recall u werre hardcore moaning
[21:32] PW: You are. But I will not do anything with you while you are in a relationship with someone else. We've discussed this before.
[21:34] PW: If there comes a time when we're both single and in the same place, call me up and we'll have mind-blowing sex.
[21:34] PW: But I won't be the other man.
[21:35] PW: Are you going to say anything?
[21:36] LR: i dunno what to say
[21:38] PW: I think we could have something great, but you don't know what you want right now.
[21:38] LR: as in a relationship?
[21:38] PW: You say you want a relationship.
[21:39] LR: no im asking
[21:39] PW: Well, you're in a relationship, but you're willing to jeopardize it for sex.
[21:40] LR: im staying in it for him
[21:40] LR: he was a disaster
[21:40] LR: now i've got to ween him of
[21:40] PW: Then why were you asking about you being good in bed? Why did you make a sad face when I said I needed to find someone to sleep with?
[21:41] PW: So you want out of your relationship?
[21:41] LR: I mean I care about him alot--- but it more supportive than actual love
[21:41] LR: thats the conclusion ive come to
[21:42] PW: If you think the relationship doesn't have a future, then you should end it. Otherwise, you're just leading him on.
[21:42] PW: It'll be hard at first, but maybe you could eventually get back to being friends.
[21:43] LR: id rather be fake for awhile to rebuild himself than have a suicide on my hands
[21:45] PW: Understandable. Do what you have to do.
[21:45] LR: I'm not leading him on---- im building his confidence back up
[21:45] LR: but killing myself in the process
[21:47] LR: i' sorry, i can't talk about this aymore. its making me sick to my stomach. i'm gonna go smoke a bowl. i'll ttyl
[21:47] *** "Lip Ring" signed off at Wed Oct 08 21:47:14 2008.

I really just don't know what to think. Am I crazy that I can't stop wanting to try being with him despite all the shit he's done? I mean, he's been quite an arse to me and to his boyfriend. Am I only interested in the sex? At least I'm strong enough to say no, no matter how much I want it. And I definitely want it.

Augh, I don't have time to think about this right now; I need to go take a shower and study for the two midterms I have tomorrow.

-PW

1 comment:

turtle said...

I think it's good that you're taking a clue from how he treats other people in his life. If he ends up single while you're single, sex is an option, but I think a relationship shouldn't be - he's not going to change his mind about what he thinks it's okay to do to people. Boundaries are cold sometimes, but you have to respect your own or else no one else will. I'm sorry he's been such a jerk to you; you deserve so much better than him, in a friend, in a crush, in a lover, whatever. *sigh* why is it always the jerks that get our attention?