Pardon the vulgar metaphor...

But life is kind of shitting all over me right now.

But since I'm the idiot who positioned himself directly beneath life's ass, I have no one to blame but myself for the steaming pile in which I am currently lying.

Not going to go into too much detail, but basically I'm a dumbass who constantly repeats the same dumbass mistakes. I still have my hopeful outlook that things will eventually be better, but right now I have a lot of self-inflicted life-feces to wade through before that can happen.

Don't worry about me, though. I'll deal with it like I always do.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

-PW

P.S. - Since my last post, there actually has been an event in my life relevant to this blog's original theme, but I don't feel like blogging about it right now. I'll tell y'all about it once I've gotten some sleep and had a few beers.

Thoughts of the Future

Yesterday, I was in the car with my Mom. She was taking me back to my apartment after spending a few hours at her place. We weren't really talking much. It wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable silence. We were just tired.

Then, in my head, I started thinking about how I should come out to my Mom.

Mom, we need to talk. You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you, but there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change it...

Thankfully it was dark, so she couldn't see how red my ears got just at the thought of it. I wanted to say it right then, but I knew that was a terrible place and an inconvenient time. So I still don't know when I will come out to Mom, but at least I have decided how I'm going to start it.

Sorry this isn't a very interesting post. I just felt the need to put it down in words. And it's not like I have that many readers anyway.

-PW

A smile and a sigh

I just realized that the day after my last post was this blog's first birthday, so happy belated birthday to this silly little outlet of mine.

But the reason I'm here is that it's National Coming Out Day. I am so glad that we've come so far, that we have a day dedicated to being open and happy with who you are. I am sad, however, that we still have so far to go and that I have to let another National Coming Out Day pass me by without any bold action on my part.

It's not that I don't want to, but well, y'all know why I can't.

But I'm content enough with my current situation: out to some, in to others. It's just until I graduate anyway. In the meantime, I need to focus on my schoolwork - reading, writing, researching, studying, taking the GRE, writing my thesis, applying to Master's programs, and so on.

I still don't know when and how I can come out to my parents, and I know I can never be truly out to the world without being out to them. That's another big hurdle. What I've always said is that I would come out to my parents once I lived in a different town. Hopefully, I will be this time next year, at grad school somewhere.

For now, all I can do is just dance.

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

Live your life and love it.

-PW

In which I am a total pop culture whore

Since I don't really have any relationship-type news to report, I'll instead discuss some things that have been on my mind/in my life that have been kind of camp.

While I was in Germany, I really got to love H&M, for cheap, fun and stylish clothes. I was very sad to find that there are no H&M stores in Texas, so in an attempt to recapture my H&M love, I went to my local XXI Forever (big store containing all the Forever 21 brands, including the men's brand Heritage 1981). Okay, so their selection for men is definitely more limited than H&M's. An H&M store is about 50% women's, 25% men's and 25% kids'. XXI Forever is about 85% women's, 15% men's. Still, I managed to find a couple things I liked. I ended up just buying a jacket and one of those lightweight scarves that white people love so much.

Here's a photo of me wearing both:



I have also taken to sitting with my legs crossed at the knee, have taken up knitting once again, and am greatly enjoying my yoga class. And last but certainly not least, since the VMAs I have become mildly obsessed with Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, P!nk and Beyoncé.

So have a video of each of them, namely their VMA performances:

TSwift - cute and fun

New Music - More Music Videos

Gaga - weird, but totally fabulous

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

P!nk - bad outfit, but artistic and inspirational

P!nk - New Music - More Music Videos

Beyoncé - Totally (Sasha) Fierce

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

My favorite parts of this one are seeing butch lesbian asexual comic Paula Poundstone getting totally into it while looking dreadful at 1:48 and the tone-deaf blonde girl at 3:10.

Also, in the wake of the VMAs, this wonderful cover of "Single Ladies" was brought to my attention:


So I guess that's about it.

Take care.

-PW

Oh, and Kanye's an idiot.

Comfortably Numb

Today, as of two hours ago, is CSI Friend's 21st birthday. To celebrate, we went out bar-hopping here in my central Texas town. To say that I am tipsy would be an understatement, but luckily I know when to stop. I stop when I am still happy. And right now I am happy as a redneck at an NRA rally.

Just so you know: Skittles dissolved in vodka = orgasm in liquid form. Seriously, give it a try.

I'm not really worrying about finding a relationship right now. Tonight will be spent with good old Dextera and Sinistra, that's alright with me. ;D

Have some music:



-PW

Return to tedium

Well, I haven't been blogging lately, but there honestly hasn't been anything relevant to this blog happening in my life. I've just been busy with schoolwork and stuff with my roommates (CSI Friend, Teacher Friend, and KoP).

Here, have a video:



That's been one of my favorites for a couple years now.

Hopefully something interesting (in a good way) will happen soon, so I can actually give y'all something to read.

-PW

Feelings return

Well, I am back safely in my boring central Texas town.

I have spent the last few days seeing people, including CSI Friend, Koopa, Pandora and my family. I have also spoken with Geordie twice on Skype and am missing Germany quite a bit.

And well, there hasn't been anything interesting to post here since I got back, but just now logged onto Facebook and saw something. The Environmentalist had recorded a video and posted it on Facebook, and as soon as I saw it, I was reminded of why I had been crushing on him before I put that part of my life on hold to go to Germany. He was just so cute and sweet and I got all full of butterflies.

I think this really is different from my other crushes. He and I just seem so compatible. He seems like a guy who could really understand me. He's quirky and loves costuming and baking and music and renfaires too. 'Adorkable' is probably the best word to describe him.

I feel silly that I just got back and I'm already back to crushing. I won't be participating in the musical revue group this semester, so I won't have an easy excuse to spend a lot of time around him. I don't know if I should even do anything about it, especially since I only have one year left at the unnamed Baptist university, but he has two more, and I have no intention of staying in my boring central Texas town after graduation.

I just don't know. I'm sure he's not as perfect as he is in my mind, but he really does seem like one of the good guys, and I bet I will always regret it if I don't try something. He really seems like the kind of person I would set up with me if I were someone else. We're both weird, and in a lot of the same ways.

Oh blah. I feel like a little schoolboy whenever I think of him. Just getting these thoughts out there.

And now, a lovely song:



-PW

All good things must come to an end.

I saw Kalender on Tuesday night. We sat and talked in a pretty public garden in town. He kept asking if I was ever coming back here. I told him the truth: that it really pains me to leave, and I would love to come back, but there's no telling when I'll be able to.

We then went back to his place and watched the last three episodes of Firefly. It really is a shame it was cancelled. It was a wonderful series. Now I need to see Serenity. Afterward, we started kissing. It was a bit slow starting, but we eventually moved on to stuff, and I stayed the night. Woke up the next morning, got dressed, gave him a kiss goodbye and went home.

I'm kind of sad how this is ending. I mean, I'm not in love, I don't have a crush on him. What we have is a bit more realistic. We enjoy each other's company and have some pleasant stuff. We're supposed to see each other again at some point before I leave. This is only one of many reasons why I'm really sad to leave Germany. I'm going to miss so much. After having lived in the same town in central Texas my whole life, both with my parents and at my unnamed Baptist university, I feel like I have finally found a city that is mine. I would consider living here full-time if I could.

Still, I do want to see my parents and sisters and niece and nephew and grandma, give them all big hugs.

This may be my last post from Germany. Ich werde dich vermissen, mein liebes Deutschland.

I felt the urge to listen to Kyo today, which is kind of funny, considering they're French. But anyway, here's one of my favorite songs by them, one which fits my melancholy mood:



Please ignore the cheesy graphics; it's the only video I could find with this song.

I guess that's all for now.

-PW

Catharsis

I haven't updated in a while, but there hasn't really been anything interesting and relevant to say.

I saw Kalender last Thursday. Nothing happened. Not even what had happened before happened. I was allowing for the possibility of things happening, but they didn't. Nothing huge to make it so that nothing happened. He just made a wrong decision and blew his chances for that night. I'm planning to see him again next Tuesday.

I have been involved in some recent drama. No names (or even pseudonyms) will be named and no details will be related to spare those involved, since both parties (this person and I) are at fault.

The drama had me very upset this evening, stirring up some of my old deep-seated insecurities and whatnot. Accordingly, I decided to watch my favorite film, and the best spiritual healing film ever made: Smoke Signals. It always hits just the right spot for me. It is a film that makes me laugh, cry, and be at peace with my life and the world. In other words, it is my 'calm the hell down' film.

I love every moment of this film, but the ending is the best. Watching the ending won't spoil the film, in case you decide to check it out on my recommendation (and I definitely recommend it), so here is one of the most amazing film moments ever:



I highly recommend playing the video through the end. The song that plays over the credits is very powerful.

"Wajeeleh-Yihm" by Ulali

The internets tell me that it is in the Tutelo-Saponi language and translates as follows:

Let him go
I will carry you
Let the water wash the spirit with us
Let it move away on the river
I must let you go
Again, you have come back, good

I truly love this film. I notice new things each time I watch it, and I have seen it more times I can count, considering it's been my favorite film for about ten years now. I come to this film whenever I need healing, and it never fails me.

I honestly cannot recommend this film enough. I realize it may not be for all people, but it is certainly the film for me.

Forgive, but don't forget. Take every conflict as an opportunity to learn, to grow and to become a better person. And most importantly, never stop loving.

-PW

Well, I saw Kalender again this past Sunday. Third Sunday in a row. I hope we can see each other on a different say some time soon, so I don't always have to rush home because of class the next day.

We met at 6 that evening in the city center. We weren't really hungry enough to go eat somewhere, but we weren't really ready to go back to his place yet either, so we got ice cream and walked around the city a bit, including along the river. We had some nice chat, but the weather wasn't great, so we eventually went back to his place.

Once there, we sat on his couch and watched more Firefly. I think we watched five episodes. I really do like Firefly. After that, we had time to watch one more, but I didn't want to be in a rush to catch the last tram home, so I kissed him instead.

Lots of kissing led to lots of touching, which led to articles of clothing being removed one by one and more touching, which led to stuff. Yes, we did stuff. Still not the whole shebang, but stuff did happen, and it was rather enjoyable. He knows his stuff.

By the time we were done with that, I checked the time and I had missed the last tram by 20 minutes. Oh well. It was worth it. We smiled, dressed, and kissed a bit more before I left and walked home.

I don't know what would happen between us if I didn't have to leave in a month. I don't really feel butterflies about him, but it never really works out when I feel the butterflies anyway. And he's cute, friendly and good at stuff and has good taste in sci-fi. I keep the hope that I can finally have an amicable end to a relationship/fling/whatever, one that doesn't involve any drama.

-------------------

I also just realized that I forgot to write about my lunch with Lucia in last week's post. It was just fine. We had Indian food, which is tasty (although not very spicy, because you just can't find properly spicy food in Germany). It took a while for her to ask me what was new, since she had a lot to talk about, but eventually it came up, and I said pretty much what I planned in this post. She didn't really have much of a visible reaction. I think maybe she had heard I was gay from someone else and was just waiting for me to say it myself.

So that's about it for now.

I leave you with some fun music:

Warning: NSFW



Live life and love living.

-PW

In which I am angry and non-specific:

I had a great time at a friend's party last night. Then on the tram ride home, I ran into Essex, Z.Q. and Kendra.

I'm just going to say that Z.Q. is quite possibly the most unpleasant individual I have ever met. He seems to be happy only when he is being a total Arschloch to someone else.

I am so glad that in just over a month, I will never have to see him again.

Less venomous posts to come in the near future.

Take care and don't be a dick.

-PW

Und so weiter...

I saw Kalender again yesterday.

No dinner this time, but I figured that would be for the best, considering last week's Chinese restaurant incident. We just met in the city center yesterday evening and went back to his place.

He showed me some of the 3D graphics he had created. That's what he studies, and he aspires to do CGI for a movie studio. Pretty cool.

We watched a so-bad-it's-amazing zombie comedy film called Braindead. So much red corn syrup. Everywhere. I will definitely try to find it when I get back home. After that, we still had plenty of time before I had to catch my tram home, so we also watched the first two episodes of Firefly. We had both seen them before, but it had been a couple years for me, and he had never watched them in English. So that was nice. I can appreciate his taste in movies. It overlaps mine, but isn't exactly the same. (He doesn't really like musicals, and I never would have watched Sin City on my own.

When we were done with the second episode of Firefly, I had about 15 minutes before I had to be at the tram stop, which is about a 5 minute walk. I always prefer to err on the side of caution, however, so I decided to go.

So I put on mu shoes and jacket, and I gave him a hug goodbye, which turned into a kiss goodbye. Nothing too long or intense, but it happened, which is just what I was planning all along anyway.

So now he knows I'm interested, but not easy. All is going according to plan.

I'll keep you updated as the situation develops.

-PW

Having some fun

So I finally saw Kalender again yesterday.

It took us a while to get together thanks to scheduling conflicts, a bit of drama llama within the circle of friends, and the death of my grandfather*.

We met in the city center and walked to the restaurant he was wanting to go to. It was closed, so I suggested we go to this Chinese place. I was craving Chinese anyway. I gave him plenty of opportunities to veto and suggest somewhere else, but he said nothing, so we to the Chinese place. I think that it's reasonably priced for how much food you get, but he must be on a really tight budget, since all he got was this tiny plate of tiny spring rolls. I felt really guilty eating my plate full of delicious chicken and broccoli with white rice and curry sauce. Of course, we each paid for ourselves. But still, I felt guilty. My bill was just under €8 (and so worth it), but his was only €4, and I think it was only that much because he thought he should get a drink because I did. Oh well. We had good conversation anyway.

Then we went back to his place and watched Sin City, since I had never seen it, and it's one of his favorites. Pretty good. It's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times before it really makes sense, but at least I have one viewing under my belt and I can understand it more next time.

And that's all we did - eat, talk, watch a movie. Once we were at his place, watching a movie with the lights dimmed, I was expecting him to make a move. I didn't really know what I would have done if he had, but he didn't. I probably would have kissed him, but drawn the line there. In retrospect, there were signs that he really wanted to make a move, but was probably too nervous. It's cute. And exactly how I wanted things to go. I have a terrible history of going to the stuff far too quickly. For once I actually didn't kiss on the first date, and it's invigorating.

The whole way home, I was grinning like an idiot, because I can tell he wants me. He really wants me. And I'm making him wait, and it's driving him crazy, and I love it. I'm not used to having this much power. I'm not being a tease, since you're not a tease if you intend to give it up eventually, but for now I enjoy playing with him a bit and watching him squirm. It's fun.

We speak mostly in English because he rarely gets a chance to practice his English, whereas I get to practice my German all the time. He has a German accent and sometimes he'll say something completely wrong, e.g. directly translating a German idiom or saying an entire sentence in German sentence structure. It's adorable. I'm totally up for seeing him again.

Meanwhile I got a Facebook message from Lucia the other day, saying that she missed hanging out, so we made plans to meet for lunch on Wednesday. I haven't seen her for a few weeks, but I am using this as a positive opportunity. Geordie always scolds me for not just telling Lucia I was gay when I could tell that she had a crush on me. I always responded that the right time had never presented itself, but it's sure to on Wednesday. Considering how long it's been she's bound to ask me what's new or something along those lines, and I will respond by mentioning that I had a date this past weekend. From there, it can go one of two ways:

Either
Lucia (nervously): Oh, how did it go?
Phillip: It went well! Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

Or
Lucia (nervously): Oh, who is she?
Phillip: This cute German guy I met named [Kalender]. Totally going to see him again! *smiles*

We'll see how this goes.

I leave you with a funny video by Dan:

Warning: NSFW



Peace.

-PW

*I'm fine, by the way, so you don't have to worry about me. I have grieved/cried, and now I am getting on with my life, as he would want me to do.

When it's time to change, then it's time to change...

A week and a half later, and things are completely different...again. Bloody hell.

This is another long post. Enjoy.

When we last left the Adventures of Phillip Wilde, Phillip was having a nice, casual, undefined something with an English guy known as Essex. They had done stuff on three separate occasions, and it was seeming that they would continue to do so, and they had last seen each other in a brief meeting at a nearby lake, with several friends in tow.

Well, here's what has happened since then:

That Monday, the head of the German division from my unnamed Baptist university (let's call him Dr. Fromm) came to my unnamed southwester German city to visit Louisa, Russky, one other girl, and me. He took us all out to dinner on Tuesday, and it was reasonably pleasant. We then decided to go get ice cream, which is a very normal occurrence in this city. As we were looking at the flavors, trying to decide what to get, we hear someone shout "[Phillip]!!!" It was Z.Q., and he was very drunk. With him were Essex and Kendra, and they all came up to us. I said to him, "Oh hi, [Z.Q.], this is [Dr. Fromm], our professor from [unnamed Baptist university]. We were just going to get some ice cream. He then proceeded to speak to our professor in bad, drunken German, using the informal second person, which is actually a bit insulting to use with a professor. Dr. Fromm was very polite and talked back to him. Meanwhile, I go to Essex and whisper in his ear "Please shut him up!" He responded that that would be impossible, which is probably true. I was completely mortified. Of all the people that we could have run into while out with Dr. Fromm, it had to be Z.Q., and he had to be drunk, and there's no telling what he could have told Dr. Fromm about my personal life if Essex and Kendra hadn't been able to drag him away. I spent the rest of the night annoyed.

I received a package from home on Wednesday, including a jar of jalapeño peppers and a large package of tortillas, so being excited, I invited a smallish group of friends, including Essex, over for tacos at my place. He couldn't come because he had too much homework, which is understandable, and he invited me to go to a Biergarten Thursday night with a bunch of people.

When I arrived at the Biergarten, about half the people I know were there, and nobody I particularly disliked, so that was a plus. Essex wasn't being very talkative, but who can get a word in edgewise when Z.Q. is there anyway? Well, Z.Q. left a bit early, and about 15 minutes later, Essex seemed ready to go too. He actually seemed a bit surprised that I didn't want to leave then too, but I still had half a beer and was having a good time hanging out with people. Whatever. So that was Thursday.

Then this past Saturday was my 21st birthday. I had invited pretty much everyone I know in this town to the festivities, not that I expected that many people to come. I just wanted to make it clear that everyone was welcome. It was just a very simple plan: a potluck picnic in the park that afternoon, and a pub crawl in the city that night. A lot of people couldn't make it because that day was also the beginning of a week off from class, so a lot of people were leaving on trips, which is perfectly fine. But Essex was one of the few people who responded to the Facebook invite as a definite yes. When it came picnic time, no one showed up but Louisa and Gotherella. I called Essex, but he said that he had gone to Colmar for the day with Z.Q. and Z.Q.'s mom, who had come to visit, but that he would be back to go out on the town that night. Well, I had a good time at the picnic with Louisa and Gotherella, so there was no harm there, and Gotherella gave me an awesome drawing, so I was in a relatively good mood, despite the small numbers.

Then when it came time to go out, everyone seemed to be unavailable except for Geordie and her friend who had come to visit. Louisa isn't really a pub crawl kind of girl, and Gotherella's parents were visiting, so I had no problem with them not coming. Then I texted Essex to let him know we were going into town, and he replied that Z.Q.'s mother had invited him to dinner, so he wouldn't be able to make it. I rolled my eyes, as dinner so would not take up the whole night, and I was annoyed that the guy I was sort of kind of seeing was blowing me off on my birthday. Whatever.

But then, after having a couple drinks in the city with Geordie and her friend, we decided to take the last tram home. I was thinking we could maybe go to the bar/dance club in our dorm complex, but as we were waiting for it, who did we see but Z.Q., Essex, and Kendra, drunk and coming to catch the same tram. Z.Q.'s mother was nowhere in sight. There's no way they could have gotten that drunk in the time in the time they would have had after having dinner. They had to have been out drinking at least since the time when Essex sent me that text. Essex barely said a word to me, and got off the tram to go home to his place, two stops before where I get off.

I haven't seen or had any contact with him since. I hate it when people lie to me. Geordie and I have come to the conclusion that Essex has gone back to being in an unhealthy obsessive whatever with Z.Q., like they had had several months ago. That wouldn't have bothered me so much if he hadn't lied to me about it. At least Buachaill was upfront with me about giving Czech boy another chance, and because of his honesty and since Geordie told me that Czech boy really is a great guy, I am no longer upset with Buachaill. I'm happy he's found someone. But rejection is so much easier to deal with when someone is upfront and honest about it, not when they lie and make excuses and ignore you. That's what Lip Ring did, and we all know how well that has worked out for him and what that has done for my self-esteem.

So I have decided that Essex is out of the picture. If he doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me, then he's not worth the time of day. So I spent Sunday, Monday, and most of Tuesday being angry at men in general. Then I logged on to the dating site and got a message from Kalender, asking if I wanted to do something again some time in the near future. I asked what he had in mind and told him about how busy I have been lately, going on day trips and trying to get the most of this week off. He said that if I wanted to relax, I could come hang out with him some time on his couch and watch a movie. Of course, I know what he means by that; that's how I ended up staying the night with Lip Ring. But I wasn't going to let him get off that easily, so I suggested we have dinner first and see what happens from there. He said he could cook something or we could get some pizza to go from the Italian place he lives over. That sneaking devil. Whenever we actually do get together again, I will make sure we actually eat in a restaurant. He's got to prove himself before he gets at any of what he's trying to get at.

So long story short: Essex lies and gets the boot, Kalender may be back in the picture, and I am not upset with Buachaill, so stop trying to comfort me about it.

Now have some cute music:



-PW

A developing situation

Things are still going on with Essex.

Yesterday, Geordie asked me what I would call it. I think it's too early to put a label on it. I mean, we've only known each other a little more than a week.

But here is a description of what we have done since my last post:

Wednesday, he invited me to dinner at his place. We had a simple pasta dinner and cooked way too much. A bit of kissing and cuddling afterward. Then we went to the city to meet some of his friends for Karaoke night at one of the two Irish pubs in town. It was three English girls, Essex, a flamboyant American guy I've known for a while (let's call him Z.Q.), and me. It was a rather relaxed time, hanging out, drinking Kilkenny and Bailey's. The Karaoke didn't start until late because there was a football (soccer) match on TV that was running long. By the time we were able to go up and sing, only four of us were left: Z.Q., Essex, one of the girls (let's call her Kendra), and me. We sang "Waterloo" by ABBA and then ran to catch our last tram home.

After that, Z.Q. and Kendra went home, and Essex and I swung by my flat so I could drop off my jacket before going to the nightclub/bar in my humongous student compound, since Wednesday is always a party night there, and that Thursday was a holiday, so I didn't have to worry about going to bed early. Well, as soon as we got in my room, we started kissing. We never made it to the club. So he stayed the night, and it was really nice. We did more of the same stuff, but we also talked a lot.

As Essex was leaving Thursday morning, we decided to meet in the city that night for dinner. I then spent most of the day sleeping. Then I checked my email and got an email from my mom saying that my Grandpa has taken a turn for the worse. He has senile dementia and highly advanced cancer. Well, I didn't take the news very well, and I almost canceled dinner with Essex, but Geordie convinced me that it would help get my mind off it, so I got myself ready and went.

I was in the mood for Indian food, so I went to a place that Russky really likes, and that I had been to a couple times and really enjoyed. The food was good, the conversation was good, the weather was terrible. It was also funny because he has some strange aversion to eating peas, yet he ordered samosas, knowing full well that they pretty much always have peas in them. He just picked out all the peas, losing about half of his samosa in the process. We just had dinner and then went to our respective homes, which was all we really needed to do that night.

I made plans with Geordie and Louisa to go to the Titisee on Saturday, and by a complete coincidence, Essex had also made plans to go to the Titisee that day with Z.Q., Kendra, and another girl. We didn't really make any specific plans to meet up, but we said we would just get a hold of each other once we were there. They missed our picnic because they were out on a paddleboat, although they did paddle over toward us briefly. When they finished and came over, we had already packed up our picnic, and were about to go get a paddleboat ourselves. They had to leave pretty soon after anyway, so we just said bye.

Also, something relevant to this blog happened during our picnic. To preface, I had yet to come out to Louisa. Anyway, so just in the course of our picnic conversation, Geordie asked me how my date had gone. It went something like this:

Geordie: So [Phillip], how did your date the other day go?
Me: Oh, it went just fine. We just had dinner and then went home.
Louisa: Oh, you had a date! With whom?
Me: Oh, no one.
Louisa: Come on, just tell me.
Me: It's not important.
Geordie: Come on. If you don't tell her, I will.
Louisa: So who is it.
Me: [Essex].

Well, so I'm out to Louisa now. She probably already had an idea about it anyway. I've just been more wary about coming out to people from my unnamed Baptist university.

In other news, I have discovered a lot of gay vloggers on YouTube recently, after this video showed up in my "Recommended" box:



After this video, I really started looking into a few of these guys.

Davey Wavey is goofy and fun and doesn't take anything too seriously.

Scotty is quite a bit like me, logical, educated, and trying to reconcile his homosexuality with his religious beliefs.

And Dan is just cool and relaxed with a level head.

Check them out if you have some time.

I leave you with a song that has been stuck in my head for a couple days now:



Peace and love.

-PW

*cough* Well, then...

Okay, so things have changed a bit since my last post.

Note: This is a long post. If you have a problem with that, tough! I've got a lot to say today, and it's my blog, so *nanny nanny boo boo*, *voiceless linguolabial trill*, usw.

So soon after I arrived at a friend's birthday party on Friday, which was quite an event, Buachaill told me we needed to talk. That, of course, is rarely a good thing. Long story short, he had been seeing this Czech guy before he started seeing me, but he broke that off because the Czech guy was being a flake, which I already knew. Toward the end of this past week, Czech guy contacted him again and was really apologetic, and Buachaill decided to give Czech guy another chance. I'm glad he was honest with me, but I was still upset. I think I hid it reasonably well. Okay, well Geordie and Umlaut could tell, but they already knew what was going on.

I still had a pretty good time at the party, although I did have a few moments. Namely, when he and I went back up to the party after our little chat, I let him go in first, while I stayed a moment in the empty hallway and silently shouted a stream of obscenities. The only other one was when I was going back into the party after using the toilet, only to find that Buachaill was right in the middle of all the people I was about to go over to, so then I quietly excused myself and went outside for a brief pity party, with the general sentiment of "Why the hell do guys never choose me?!" I haven't exactly had the best track record in that field.

Well anyway, I did still enjoy the party, and I didn't drink any more than I normally would at such a party, although I may have drunk my normal amount within a smaller period of time.

At the party, I also met someone. He's English, and will be called Essex in this blog. He's cute, slim and kind of short, although not as short as Shorty. He is very Southern English, in contrast to Geordie, who is from the north. His accent is probably what most Americans would think of first when thinking of an English accent, or at least as much as Received Pronunciation and Cockney. His is the kind of accent where people say 'bruvva' instead of 'brother' and 'wo-a' instead of 'water'. It's cute.

Considering the people we both know, we really should have met before then, but somehow we hadn't, although we had seen each other. Well, we were talking, when he said "Follow me" and went out into the hallway. I followed him and we had a good snog. Strangely enough, we weren't seen by very many people, although the people who did see us did include Geordie and Buachaill. I was a little embarrassed that Buachaill saw us, but it was a bit late. If he was bothered by it, he really didn't have the right to be, since he was the one who had ended it with me, and all he and I had done was snog and go on one casual date, after which nothing happened.

At the end of the night, when it was pretty clear that Essex and I were going to spend the night together, Geordie just told me "Be safe." That was her response when I asked her what she thought. I trust her enough that I wouldn't have spent the night with him if she had told me it was a bad idea.

So we spent Friday night together at my place. We didn't do everything, but we did do...stuff. And during the stuff, we talked a lot about a lot of different things. When I woke up Saturday morning, I realized that I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I got up and let him sleep some more. I got online and chatted with my friend Loon, whom I know from Texas, although she is currently in a different unnamed foreign country. I had told her about Buachaill a couple days before, and I felt the need to tell her about the change. She actually seemed a lot more excited when I mentioned Essex than when I had told her about Buachaill, but she (like quite a few of my friends) is a bit of and anglophile. I also have several hibernophile friends, but that's no the point. I think her exact words when I told her about Essex and that he had spent were "w00t!" She also assured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Essex convinced me to go out clubbing in the city Saturday night, and it was very heavily implied that we would stay at his place afterward. Actually, I think it was said outright, but it just sounds better to say that it was heavily implied.

After having a good chat and dinner with Geordie, who was also going to go clubbing in the city that night, I promptly fell asleep 45 minutes before I was supposed to meet Geordie at her place for a pre-game. (That's when you drink a bit at someone's house before going out, so you don't have to buy as many over-priced drinks when you're at the club.) I woke up about thirty minutes after I was supposed to go to Geordie's, which actually was the time I was supposed to meet Essex in the city. I texted him that I was running a bit late. When I got to Geordie's, she, Umlaut, Thóin and Buachaill were there. *sigh* I should have seen that coming.

I kept trying to convince people that it was time to go, and I texted to Essex that I had to wait for Geordie, because I didn't want to go into the city by myself. For a moment there, Geordie started talking that maybe she didn't want to go into the city after all. Normally, I would agree; there's a nightclub/bar right in our student compound and it's a lot cheaper, but I really wanted to go meet Essex. We finally ended up going to the city on the last tram, getting there at 12:30. Essex had been waiting for me for quite a while. At least he had been there with his friends and not just there alone. Still, he understood that sometimes it's difficult to convince friends that it's time to go.

------------

On a (not so) quick side note: Two weeks ago (when Buachaill was still with Czech guy for the first time), I met a German guy, whom we'll call Kalender, on a gay dating site. Different from (and better than) the one where I met Lip Ring. I actually joined it because Buachaill recommended it. It's where he met Czech guy. Kalender is cute as well, slim and almost as tall as I am. We met and went to the only gay bar in town, which he admits is kind of shitty, but his best friend is the bartender, so it's fun anyway. All we did was hang out in the bar with his friends and play cards. Well, he also bought weed from his bartender friend, rolled it into a joint and smoked it right in front of me. That doesn't bother me really, but I think it's funny as hell. I failed to blog about him because my Internet connection went down the next day, and by the time I got it back a week later, Buachaill had already happened, and I just sort of forgot. Well, when we were getting off the tram this Saturday night to go to the club where I was to meet Essex, he was getting on. It was just a smile, a wave, and Geordie knowing exactly who he was without me even having to tell her. It's really weird that I suddenly have all these options. My love life was all but non-existent in Texas.

------------

Okay, so we went into the club and I met Essex. Geordie commented in my ear that I was looking too grumpy and tense. I replied that I wouldn't be if she would take Buachaill out onto the dancefloor so that he wasn't right there. Essex and I had a decent time, and after a bit of awkward dancing (not because it's awkward between us; I'm just an awkward dancer), we decided we had had enough of the club, said our goodbyes and walked to his place.

At his place, we did all the same stuff we had done the night before, but we did it more, and I would say it was a bit better too. Maybe because we were more relaxed. Although I did notice that we didn't talk as much. Really just the stuff. We woke up this morning and did some more stuff before I went home.

I really haven't done anything today. Just chat with Geordie online and spend way too much time reading random crap on Wikipedia. Now I've been writing this blog post for far too long and need to go to bed, so I'm just going to wrap this up.

Essex suggested we go out for dinner some time this week. I was about to suggest it myself. So here goes another try.

-PW

Aaaaaaand I'm back!

Please disregard that last post. It was a moment of weakness. Besides, I have totally moved on from that now.

'How?' you may ask? Well, because I have met a great guy, and this time the interest is actually mutual!

He's Irish. Let's just call him something simple: Buachaill.

We've known each other for a couple weeks. We met through mutual friends, namely Geordie and another (straight) Irish guy, whom we will call the Leprechaun. Of course they met Buachaill through another mutual friend, whom (to vary slightly from what everyone has been guessing would be his nickname in this blog) we will call Thóin.* Thóin goes to the same university in Dublin as Buachaill.

Ḫanyway, so he and I expressed our mutual interest at a party this past Friday, after being nudged toward each other by Geordie, who has taken to calling herself my Fairy Godmother. We had our first real date last night. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it at this point, since it's really too soon, but I will say that he's cute, down-to-earth, and a good kisser. If you want to know more, please direct your inquiries to im.trapped.and.need.out (at) gmail dot com.

I will leave you with a video that really makes me think about my not-always-so-open relationship with my mom. When I finally do come out to her, I think this video will be a good resource.



-PW

*For those of you who know what this means, let me assure you, I mean it (mostly) jokingly.

A relapse and a friendly suggestion

Well, I had thought I was over my crush on the Finn, but now that his girlfriend has gone back to Finland, he's looking a lot more attractive again. We were out yesterday with a big group, and when we saw each other, he smiled at me the same smile that I had loved so much before, and I got a brief moment of giddiness.

Then I just thought:

Ooh, maybe he's bi... Damnit Phillip, quit it!

Geordie just met him last night, and she said that she would try out her gaydar on him and get back to me. Ach, so.

-------------------------------------------

And just a side note to all the girls out there:
If you are a little broad in the shoulder, spaghetti straps are NOT your friend. They only make you look broader. It would look better either strapless or with straps at least an inch wide.

And while we're at it, just because you really like a color, does not mean that it's a good color for you, i.e. Not all girls have the right coloration to wear pink. It's not a personal attack or anything. Everyone has a color that just does not look good on them (I look like a damn fool in yellow), and for some of you, that color is pink. Try blue. Trust me.

-PW

Offenheit

So I've been meaning to blog about this for a week now, but I've finally come out to some people here in Germany.

Strangely enough, it was to people I had only known for a week.

Geordie - a girl from northern England
Woods - a girl from Singapore
Umlaut - a girl from Massachusetts

I'm also starting to reveal a little bit more about myself. I was with some friends (including the three I just mentioned) playing "I've Never", and I drank when another guy said that he had never done anything sexual with a guy. Of course, that doesn't necessarily prove to them I'm gay, but it leaves the possibility open. Funnily enough, the other guy drank too, but I'm pretty sure he's just a straight guy who has dabbled. Oh, and Lucia was there too. Maybe eventually she'll get the message.

I've also come up with a new rule for myself: NO CRUSHING ON STRAIGHT GUYS. It can never end well. It really hasn't been much of a problem since late-ish in high school, but this whole business with the Finn sort of mixed me up a bit. In my defense, I really could not determine his sexual orientation. For a while, I thought a friend of his who came to visit might be his boyfriend. Then it would have violated my preexisting rule of no crushing on guys in relationships.*

Other than that, I don't think there's really anything important to say, except that my regular semester here in Germany begins today. Wish me luck.

-PW

*See The Rules of Dating or any post that mentions Lip Ring.

Eh, oh well.

So it seems the Finn is indeed straight. No, I didn't make a move and get rejected. Rather, his girlfriend came to visit. Oh well. I was pretty much over the crush by then anyway. I mean, I still think he's cute, but I had stopped pining.

So I find myself back where I was before, between infatuations. And again, I'm okay with that. I'm keeping my eyes, ears and mind open in case someone should come along, but I'm just going to be happy being single now. It is a lot easier to do that here, since I'm not surrounded by couples all the time. Most of my friends here are either single or they have SOs somewhere else who may come to visit every now and then.

Speaking of my friends in Texas, I guess I'll give an update on their status:

CSI Friend is still living with KoP and seem to be doing fine.
Teacher Friend and Aladdin broke up several months ago and she is now very happy with Superdude.
Blonde Friend and Army Guy are in Germany, where he's stationed. I'm trying to set up a time for them to come visit.
Koopa and CompSci Guy are still together and seem happy, although she is about to graduate and go elsewhere for law school, so they're having to deal with that.

And the situation with Lucia still hasn't changed, and Louisa said that she has noticed it too, so it's not just a narcissistic delusion or anything.

That's about it.

And if you haven't already, may I suggest you go check out my friend over at Blazing Life, who blogs about often taboo marijuana-related issues. I don't smoke myself, but she really gives a lot of insight on the subject, and I enjoy reading what she has to say.

-PW

Ach, so.

Oh, I meant to post last week that all the stuff with the Finn and the Chihuahua got resolved really easily, i. e. when they sobered up, they realized they had acted like idiots and the security guy also realize that he had been a jerk. All resolved. The Chihuahua was back at the student bar last Wednesday. The Finn wasn't, but I think it was more that he was embarrassed than that he was still shouting about a boycott.

There really hasn't been much relevant to say lately. Except that I am now even more unsure of the Finn's sexuality. Maybe I was just thinking he was gay because I wanted him to be gay. Ach. It's frustrating. I swear, it really is harder to tell with Europeans.

And there is a girl (let's call her Lucia) who I'm pretty sure is into me. She's the shy type, so she just sort of follows me around and is probably waiting for me to make the first move, but I'm not going to make one. How should I let her down easily? Should I just casually mention an ex-boyfriend in conversation or what? I swear, this always happens to me. I'm nice to a somewhat socially awkward girl, and then she just gets attached. But God forbid a guy actually like me. *sigh*

Oh wait, I totally lied about there not being anything relevant to say. I had a long AIM conversation with Lip Ring a couple days ago. He's no longer ignoring me because he and whatshisface have opened their relationship. He wants me bad, but I'm pretty sure he just wants sex. I'm just not interested. I think I've pretty much gotten over the whole wanting Lip Ring thing. He's really not that great of a guy, and when I think of how he has treated whatshisface, it's a real turnoff.

Again, if you want less topic specific information about my time here in Germany, check out my Facebook. I have lots of pictures. You know you want to comment on them.

Now it's time for bed.

Ciao.

-PW

Boys are stupid

So I'm still totally crushing on the Finn, but I realized last night that he can be just as stubborn and immature as any other male twentysomething.

There is a bar on campus here in my unnamed German university, and Wednesday night is party night. Everyone was out last night, like usual, and everyone was getting pretty tipsy and having fun, when the Finn and this other guy, the Chihuahua, were playfully shoving each other. A security guy then came over and told them to stop or he would throw them out. They laughed in his face, more so the Chihuahua than the Finn. The security guy then grabbed the Chihuahua and pulled him all the way outside, and the Finn followed after.

They apparently did not take the guy seriously and were sort of disrespectful. It's true that the security guy was a jerk, but if they had just reacted calmly and cooperated, it probably would have been just fine and they would have been let back in. A German girl we know tried to explain to them that the security guys have to be strict because they have a problem with people getting beaten up at this bar.

The Chihuahua refused to go home without his sweatshirt, but he couldn't remember where it was and none of us could find it, so he was just standing outside in the cold wearing only a t-shirt, and the Finn kept egging him on, saying that the bar was full of Nazis.

After they had been out there for about an hour and a half, the German girl and I finally convinced the Chihuahua to go home so he wouldn't freeze and that he could come back tomorrow and try to find his sweatshirt. I think by the end he finally realized that it wasn't worth freezing over, but as they left the Finn still refused to admit that they had done anything wrong. He needs to realize that security guys are very often assholes, and that everything is usually a lot easier if you just cooperate.

*sigh* Why are boys so stubborn?

In other news, I'm making lots of new friends from all over the world. It still haven't come out to anyone here, but that's mainly just because it's sort of an awkward thing to randomly bring up, not because I'm afraid of how people will react like I am in Texas.

My new friends include:
Lumberjill - a Danish girl who studies forestry and conservation, and as part of her studies has worked as a lumberjack
Gotherella - a gothic Italian girl who studies philosophy
Laetitia - an Italian girl, who is really more international, because she doesn't want to go back to Italy, is married to an American, and will be staying in Germany for a while, even though she won't be studying here
Fun Hair - another Italian girl, small, but with big, curly hair that fits her personality perfectly
Jung - a Korean girl, who is much more liberated than the other Koreans here and who doesn't want to go back to Korea
The Australian - an Australian guy, who is always the life of the party
Die Königin der Finnen - a Finnish girl, studying law, who always makes us laugh with her 'queen wave'
Russky - the other guy here from my unnamed Baptist university
and, of course, the Finn.

Those are just the ones with whom I hang out on a regular basis. There are several other awesome people I hang out with every now and then. I've only met two people I really don't like since I came here, and they are both Americans.

Blonde Friend should be coming to Germany about a week from now, since she finally has trudged her way through the bureaucracy of the US Army so that she could come live her with her husband, Army Guy, who is stationed near Nürnberg. That should be interesting. It's always strange when your friends from one place meet your friends from another place.

So, to sum up: boys are stupid, but the Finn is still adorable; there are awesome people everywhere; and Germany rocks.

Bis später!

-PW

And now for something completely different

Except not really.

Well, I've been here in Germany for a week now, and I already have a crush, damnit.

Let's call him the Finn. Yes, he's Finnish. I've been meeting people from all over the place, but for some reason, he had caught my eye. Don't know if he's gay. I swear, it's harder to tell with Europeans. But he's fun, nice, and smart. Slender and pale, with blond hair and pale blue eyes. Very Nordic.

Not really much else to say. If you know me in real life, you can read my LiveJournal or hit me up on Facebook for more information about Germany.

It's beautiful here. And oh so much more gay-friendly. Hallelujah!

Okay, I've been standing at this net kiosk for a couple hours now doing all my online stuff. Enough for now.

-PW

I'm bored, so you get a post.

There really hasn't been much to say lately.

There kind of is a new guy, but I'm not even sure if he's gay.

Let's call him the Environmentalist.

I know him (big surprise!) through the musical revue group. Well, I've known him for a year, but I'm just really starting to think of him like this. He's responsible, he's smart, and he's cute without being cocky/shallow like Flippy Hair, the Artist, and Adam's apple. More down-to-earth, you know?

Not that anything could really happen right now, since I'm leaving for Germany in less than a week and won't be back until August. More an acknowledgment that he is definitely boyfriend material than a declaration of my intentions to jump on him and ravish him in the middle of the quad.

And now a cute song/video:



Live. Love. Kick some arse.

-PW

What a day to learn of this

I just learned that Ken Starr (of Clinton impeachment trial fame) is leading the campaign to invalidate all same-sex marriages issued in California prior to the passing of Proposition 8. As if Prop. 8 weren't bad enough, now people are trying to force divorce upon 18,000+ married couples in the name of the 'sanctity of marriage'.

This is absolutely unacceptable. The Courage Campaign is fighting against this injustice.



Please, take a moment to sign the petition on the Courage Campaign website.

Save the marriages of 36,000 men and women in California. End hate. Repeal 8.

-PW

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Hmm, so it seems there was a misunderstanding, a failure to communicate within the revue group. Koopa and Nike both ended up being in one of the special vocal groups, and the other one still hasn't been set, so I still have a chance. So it turns out perhaps Flippy Hair wasn't being a passive-aggressive bitch after all. He just wasn't doing his job and letting us know what the hell was going on.

Whatever. I haven't actually been mad about it for a while now. I'll still try for the other vocal group, but if I don't get it, I'll be fine, since I have already come to accept it over the past week and a half.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am currently in a rather unfamiliar state, i.e. I'm not really crushing on anyone now. I've decided this is just fine, especially since 3.5 weeks from now, I will be going to another continent for five months.

Yep, I'm going to study in Germany for a semester. The German semester is just a bit offset, running from March through July.

I have this stupid fantasy in the back of my mind that my time in Germany will be like Xavier's experience in the film L'Auberge espagnole, minus the whole sleeping with a married woman thing, for two very obvious reasons. I dream of having a great time with lots of crazy friends.

To answer the questions people always ask:

No, I am not going with a group. This is a direct exchange program. There are two other people from my unnamed Baptist university who will be going with me, let's call them Russky and Louisa. There is also one girl who has already been there for one semester and will be staying for this semester as well.

Yes, I will be taking a full course load, and yes, my classes will all be taught in German.

No, I am not extremely fluent in German, but I hopefully will be by the time I'm done.

Yes, I will be living in a dorm, only there it's called a Studentenwohnheim.

I will be at a prestigious 552-year-old university in a beautiful mid-sized city in southwestern Germany, less than an hour by train from both France and Switzerland.

Yes, I will be traveling within Europe as much as my schedule and budget will allow.

The other day, it really hit me how soon I would be leaving and I started feeling really sentimental. Koopa and I had a bittersweet conversation about how I will be leaving right after the revue competition is over and when I get back, she will be gone - graduated and gone away to law school. She and I have gotten so close over the past year.

I finally saw Teacher Friend, CSI Friend, Blonde Friend, and KoP this evening for the first time since Blonde Friend's birthday three weeks ago. We had dinner. It was kind of weird. I'm going to be living with them come August, but it seems that as time goes by, we have less and less in common.

I will also be missing the birth of my first nephew, who is due just three weeks after I arrive in Germany. I worry that my little niece won't remember me when I come back. I worry that my octogenarian grandparents will fall ill while I'm gone. I worry that I won't be good enough to succeed.

But I must remain optimistic. They say that if you believe you can do something, you can, right? Like the Little Engine That Could. I just have to believe in myself. I need to work on that.

And now, I leave you with a song that has been stuck in my head all damn day.



Enjoy.

-PW

An Epiphany and New Possibilities

So last night, as I was coming home from rehearsal, I started thinking about what Flippy Hair did (or rather didn't do) with all the people who auditioned for vocal parts and didn't get them.

And then it hit me - it's exactly what he did to me last Spring. We put ourselves out there with the audition, and then he just never responded. That is exactly what he did last year when I told him I liked him.

That boy needs to realize that a flat-out rejection is better than no response at all, because then at least you're being honest. It's just rude.

It doesn't bother me as much that I didn't get a part. It's that he didn't have the courtesy to tell me so.

On a lighter note, I do seem to have made a new friend or two in the past two rehearsals. I already seem to be closer to the girl - let's call her Kiddo. We started talking when she, the guy - let's call him Durwood - and I were all standing next to each other in a formation.

Durwood pretty much has no filter on what he says, so he started talking about how many gay guys there are in the group. So Kiddo and I joined in, and we determined that there are only 4 straight guys, even though there are definitely more who claim to be. Meanwhile, another girl - let's call her Harmony - just stood by and laughed. Ah, good times. I have concluded that Durwood is like the four-year-old who says what everyone is thinking but no one wants to say out loud.

Okay, so that's it for now.

*lurve*

-PW

High school never ends

Make that middle school.

More of the same from Lip Ring. About a week ago, he IMs me telling me to text him. I reply that I don't text and that if he wants to talk to me he can either IM or call me. Haven't heard from him since. Nothing new there.

Rehearsals with the revue group are in full blast. And Flippy Hair has changed. He used to be pleasantly confident. Now he's a self-centered, elitist, passive-aggressive bitch. He's the music chair and he's basically just given all the vocal parts to his best friends, and he doesn't even bother to tell people when they audition for something and don't get it. I feel snubbed, and I'm not the only one. There are several very talented people who have nothing.

If I wasn't over him before, I am now. I am just so done with all this shit.

The group has gotten extremely clique-y and the officers of the group are the clique-iest of all. That's so incredibly contrary to what this group was founded on. The whole point is so that people don't have to be excluded from participating in the huge musical competition just because they aren't in a fraternity or sorority. But now within the group, there are the 'cool kids' and the 'not cool kids'. It's bullshit.

Hitherto, my college life has not been like this. My high school wasn't even like this. I have had to deal with this shit since I was in middle school. And I was freaking miserable in middle school.

I just feel like all my hard work to be friendly, to avoid being socially awkward, to make new friends, has just been worthless. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself until very recently, until person after person, group after group, has told me that I'm just not good enough.

Fuck it.

I am really a very insecure person. I do not handle exclusion well. I never have. Whenever I feel that I am being personally and undeservedly snubbed, I just want to scream. But that's not socially appropriate, so instead I listen to emotional, anguished, self-questioning German music.

Voilà 'Gutes Tun' from Wicked: Die Hexen von Oz
Sung by the incomparable Willemijn Verkaik



Even if you don't understand German, she is so expressive, you know exactly what she is saying by the tone in her voice.

And that is how I feel right now.

-PW

Scheiße

I saw Lip Ring today.

Lip Ring and his boyfriend.

At a concert.

The same band at whose concert we met in person for the first time.

Jeezy Creezy, I just stared at them.

I don't think he recognized me, since I cut my hair.

He looked exactly the same as he did last April.

I came so close so many times to going up to the two of them and just say, 'Hi, [Lip Ring].'

And then if his boyfriend asked how we knew each other, I could either be nice and say we met at a concert, or be a bitch and say 'We had sex. But don't worry, it was before you two were together. Although he has propositioned me twice since you've been together because he's a cheating asshole.'

Then again, later I looked over at the two of them and thought, 'I am way cuter than he is. And I'm actually good in bed. Oh well, [Lip Ring]'s loss.'

Ach, I'm losing my bloody mind.

I'm pretty sure Flippy Hair is dating this guy who went to my high school.

And Adam's Apple's Facebook says he is now in a relationship.

Bloody hell, what is wrong with me?

[/emo whining]

On the bright side, the concert was omgamazing.

And I really need to go to bed now. I have to work in the morning.

-PW