Monday, January 26, 2009

High school never ends

Make that middle school.

More of the same from Lip Ring. About a week ago, he IMs me telling me to text him. I reply that I don't text and that if he wants to talk to me he can either IM or call me. Haven't heard from him since. Nothing new there.

Rehearsals with the revue group are in full blast. And Flippy Hair has changed. He used to be pleasantly confident. Now he's a self-centered, elitist, passive-aggressive bitch. He's the music chair and he's basically just given all the vocal parts to his best friends, and he doesn't even bother to tell people when they audition for something and don't get it. I feel snubbed, and I'm not the only one. There are several very talented people who have nothing.

If I wasn't over him before, I am now. I am just so done with all this shit.

The group has gotten extremely clique-y and the officers of the group are the clique-iest of all. That's so incredibly contrary to what this group was founded on. The whole point is so that people don't have to be excluded from participating in the huge musical competition just because they aren't in a fraternity or sorority. But now within the group, there are the 'cool kids' and the 'not cool kids'. It's bullshit.

Hitherto, my college life has not been like this. My high school wasn't even like this. I have had to deal with this shit since I was in middle school. And I was freaking miserable in middle school.

I just feel like all my hard work to be friendly, to avoid being socially awkward, to make new friends, has just been worthless. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself until very recently, until person after person, group after group, has told me that I'm just not good enough.

Fuck it.

I am really a very insecure person. I do not handle exclusion well. I never have. Whenever I feel that I am being personally and undeservedly snubbed, I just want to scream. But that's not socially appropriate, so instead I listen to emotional, anguished, self-questioning German music.

Voilà 'Gutes Tun' from Wicked: Die Hexen von Oz
Sung by the incomparable Willemijn Verkaik

Even if you don't understand German, she is so expressive, you know exactly what she is saying by the tone in her voice.

And that is how I feel right now.


No comments: