Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Follicular adventures

Those of you who know me in real life should know that I have been growing out my hair for the past 3 years.

From the beginning, people asked me how long I would grow it, and my answer has always been "until I don't like it anymore."

Well, with the great changes that are happening in my life (going to Germany in 3 months, having an apartment when I get back, usw.), I decided it was time for a change. Since I had gotten to the point where I hardly ever wore it down, I decided that once my hair was long enough to donate to Locks of Love, I would cut it off.

And I did it today.

After the initial shock wore off, I came to the conclusion that it's totally smexy.

Christmas was good. Not much to say there.

Happy new year, everyone! Don't do anything I wouldn't do. ;)


Saturday, December 20, 2008


It's that time of year again - when people come together and make sure their loved ones know just how much they love them. And I have plenty of loved ones, but there's always the reminder that I don't have a 'beloved'.

I hung up my family's stockings today, and other than my 17-month-old niece and me, my whole immediate family is made up of couples: my parents and my three sisters with their respective husbands/fiancés.

And with all my college friends gone home for the holidays, I find myself alone a lot, which makes me fantasize about all the attractive gay guys I know.

Then I realize that I don't especially want to be with any of them. I just want to be with someone. I would gladly date Lip Ring, Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, the Artist, or Shorty, as they're all attractive, fun, and within an acceptable age range.

But Lip Ring is still in a relationship, which he says he wants out of, but he doesn't do anything about it. So he's out based on Dating Rule #1.

Neither Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, nor the Artist have ever shown any interest in me, and I'm too chicken shit to make a move after my last attempt at that failed miserably.

And I'm not even completely sure that Shorty is gay. He confuses my gaydar and that of all my friends.

But really, how will I ever find anyone if I wait just for someone else to come to me. Same-sex dating at an unnamed Baptist university with homophobic policies is a real bitch.

I just have to keep up hope and have the courage to try, because if I never try, nothing will ever happen.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

The rules of dating

So, after explaining to Lip Ring for the 3rd (at least) time why we cannot fool around right now, I've decided to write out a definitive set of rules that I follow in the field of dating. I also use these when giving others advice.

1. Absolutely NO CHEATING, and no condonation, advocation, or facilitation thereof.
1a. Cheating is defined as intimate activity, be it physical, emotional, or virtual, with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, without the consent of the person with whom they are in the relationship.
1b. Even if the relationship is on the rocks, it is still cheating until the relationship is officially over.
1c. A relationship is not considered officially over until there is some confirmation from both parties. Both being listed as 'single' on Facebook and/or Myspace is generally sufficient, unless the parties involved are especially untrustworthy, in which case you should not date them anyway.

2. Although spending time with your SO/whatever is important, you should not ignore your friends and spend all your time with your SO/whatever.

3. Keep PDA to a minimum. Hand-holding, hugs, and pecks are sweet and perfectly acceptable; tongue-kissing, neck-sucking, ear-nibbling, groping, usw., are not. Save that for when you are alone. Please note: Even the 'acceptable' activities can become annoying and unacceptable if done too much. (See Rule #2.)

4. Do not make major decisions (e.g. where you live/work/go to school, getting a tatoo) based on your SO/whatever, unless the relationship is well-established, stable, and has lasted at least 9 uninterrupted months, although a year or three is even better.

5. Absolutely NO CHEATING. This one is important enough to be listed twice. Cheating can possibly be forgiven on a case-to-case basis, if much honest and humble pennance is performed by the offender and the offense is never, EVER repeated. Sadly, the statement 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is true more often than not.

This list may be amended as different things occur to me.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My current musical obsession:

Army of Lovers, a Swedish pop group from the late 80s through the mid-to-late 90s, and again in the early 2000s.

They're decadent, glamorous, and their songs are just so damn catchy.

They're campy and sexy.

Of course, they're called a 'Swedish pop group' because that's the common thread between them all. In reality, they're quite diverse:

Alexander Bard - just your average Swedish 'bisexual libertine', who was pretty hot, before he converted to Zoroastrianism and grew a gross beard that makes him look like Father Time.
Jean-Pierre Barda - the Algerian-French-Swedish bisexual Jew, who also makes a living as a hair stylist and a make-up artist for Europe's elite. He likes to wear even skimpier clothing than the ladies of the group.
Camilla 'La Camilla' Henemark - the half-Nigerian, half-Swedish beauty, a diva who left the group for a few years to pursue an unsuccessful solo career before eventually coming back to the group. She likes to wear short dresses that show off her pretty pretty panties and her bountiful bosoms. She also seems to wear crowns in a lot of their music videos. Gee, I wonder why.
Michaela Dornonville de la Cour - the French-Swedish blonde bombshell who came in when La Camilla left, and was subsequently given the boot when Camilla returned.
Dominika Peczynski - the sexy Polish-Russian-Swedish Jewess, who joined during the de la Cour years, but remained after the return of La Camilla.

Sometimes, they can be a bit vulgar, but it's all in the groove.

They continued to evolve, fitting right in when they made their 2001 comeback.

And they just make me feel all sunny inside.


Thursday, November 20, 2008


Hmm, so it's been about a week and a half since my last post, but there really isn't much to say.

I went to church again this past Sunday, and I'll go again this Sunday if I'm not too exhausted from spending Saturday at TRF. (That's Texas Renaissance Festival, for you non-renfaire peeps.) Although it probably won't be as exhausting as it was going to be, since things fell through, so I won't be portraying a character that day. I'll actually be going as myself, in mundane clothing even. *gasp*

I've basically just been really busy with school and my various extracurriculars. And no, I'm not using 'extracurriculars' as a euphemism. I wish I were; then maybe I would be a bit more relaxed. As it is, I'm only actually enjoying about half of my extracurriculars at this point, but I feel obligated.

I'm also feeling a bit lost, since I'm still not entirely sure whether or not I'll be studying in Germany next semester, since I still haven't found some more money to help pay for it. I was also supposed to meet up with my future roommate this afternoon to sign our lease for next year, but she told me today that she's not entirely sure whether or not she'll be here next year. She is thinking that this unnamed Baptist university is the source of her depression, and thus she is considering transferring.

Hmm, this post doesn't really have anything to do with the theme of this blog.

Oh well. I just really haven't been thinking much about love lately. Don't really know why. I mean, I've been around some cute gay guys (including Flippy Hair, the Artist, Adam's Apple, and another guy I only recently found out was gay, let's call him Unbelievably Gorgeous) lately, since the musical revue group is getting revved up about our new act. I don't know. It just feels strange not to have a crush right now. I always have a crush. Sometimes more than one. I feel kind of empty without one.

Let's hope for better days.

God, I wish this semester were over.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Someone who truly 'gets it'

This man has earned my eternal respect.


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

More state-sponsored discrimination

Damn, damn, damn, damn.

California Proposition 8, Arizona Proposition 102, and Florida Amendment 2 all passed, banning same-sex marriage in their respective states.

The California result hurts the most, since the state has had equal marriage rights since May, and now they're being taken away.

Argh, I'm so angry/disappointed. This totally kills my excitement about Obama's victory.

It's a sad day in America when people vote to take away the rights of other people.

I'm going to go sulk now.


Sunday, November 2, 2008

Church this morning

It was actually really nice. I enjoyed it and I learned things, although I know that I am definitely not ready to start calling myself a Christian again. I don't change my mind quite so quickly. However, I do think I'll go back again and see if I can get into it.

Of course, I'll still have to see if I can reconcile it with being gay, but I'll give it a try.

This should be interesting...

I'm going to church in the morning.

I haven't been to church in about a year, and I haven't gone to church regularly for about three.

I was raised Christian and considered myself one until some point toward the end of high school. I did not cease to consider myself a Christian at that time simply because that was also when I was coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay, although that did contribute to it.

Really, the main reason I stopped being a Christian was because I became disillusioned by all the hypocrisy, the greed, the corruption that plagues the church as a whole in this country. The Bible-thumping televangelists and the megachurches and the faith-healers and the fire-and-brimstone preachers who care more about sin than about grace and love and forgiveness. That is why I lost my faith. It was always there, but I was able to overlook it until I found myself - however secretly - in one of the groups targeted by the hatred of the popular church. And I know that that was hypocritical of me. 'Oh, all is fine and dandy until it affects me negatively.'

I was also turned off by blind faith. By those whose 'solution' to any and every problem is to pray. Now that is all well and good, but it still won't do any good if they don't take some action themselves to solve the problem. I'm reminded of the quote 'God helps those who help themselves.' Now I know that that quote is from Benjamin Franklin and not from the Bible, but I still find it no less true. God can't make a drug addict suddenly stop being addicted to drugs. Well, he probably could, but then there's the issue of free will. No, the addict has to want to quit and to be held accountable by those around him. God can help the addict succeed, but the addict still has to start the journey of his own will.

And then of course, there is the problem that the church at large believes that homosexuals are going to hell, if for nothing else but for being homosexual. That is something with which I have a real problem. I do not believe that homosexuality is a choice, and it makes me so angry whenever straight people say that it is. I did not choose to be gay; I just am. And I don't see what is wrong about that. It is simply part of my nature. And what is wrong with loving?

And I know that this is a discussion of religion and that politics should not be brought into it, but the religious people have already blurred the line, so I have to talk about politics too.

I am actually quite traditional in my goals for my personal life: I want to find the love of my life, get married, and settle down in a house with a white picket fence, a two-car garage, two or three kids, and a dog. I want the American Dream. Why shouldn't I be able to pursue the American Dream? Do I not deserve a happy family life just because I want to start that family with another man? It just doesn't make sense. It always makes me so angry when people try to justify denying me that basic right by quoting one verse from Leviticus. It is so hypocritical that people take that one verse as absolute law while completely disregarding other verses in Leviticus condemning the eating of pork and shrimp and forbidding contact with a woman while she is menstruating. I personally believe that Leviticus is an outdated book which, although relevant to Jews 2500 years ago for purposes of health and hygiene, has no practical relevance to modern Western society, but if conservatives are going to claim that all of the Bible is true and be very strict about one rule from Leviticus, then they should follow them all. That just goes right along with the hypocrisy that I see in the church.

Still, despite all this, I simply cannot abandon religion altogether. I have even tried other religions, but none of them felt quite right. And because the guidance of one of my professors - my favorite one, in fact - I have decided to give Christianity another try. I am going to church tomorrow, trying to keep an open mind. Prepared to show people that I am not a non-Christian because I have not read the Bible, but that I am in fact not a Christian because I have read the Bible and see blaring discrepancies between the scripture and the church. I also see the Bible as a generally good book which has been mangled and twisted by scribes and translators over the past 2000+ years, as a collection of guidelines by which to live, some of which are no longer applicable because they dealt with a specific issue that is no longer troublesome, and some of which are expressions of some ancient man's irrational fears of things he didn't understand.

Let's see how this works out.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

A plague of illogic

Hmm. Nothing has really changed in my love life, yet for once I actually don't feel completely empty. Maybe it's because I'm actually getting to where I can be happy without longing constantly for someone, or maybe because I am just too riled up by Proposition 8 in California.

Not that I am unaccustomed to horrendous homophobic clauses written into state constitutions. My own Texas ratified an amendment three years ago banning marriages and all marriage-like unions between anyone other than one man and one woman. But I still get so angry when I hear about people being so resistant of equal marriage rights.

I can understand some people not wanting to call a homosexual union 'marriage' because they think of that term as having a religious connotation, but saying that straight people can have a 'marriage' but gay people can only have a 'civil union' just reminds me too much of Plessy v. Ferguson: 'separate, but equal,' and we all know how well that turned out.

If people are so adamant about the religious connotation of the word 'marriage,' then the state should not have anything to do with marriages at all. Call all legal unions, gay or straight, 'civil unions.' That can be the legal aspect, and then marriages, gay or straight, can be performed and recognized by religious entities if they so choose.

I have yet to hear an argument against same-sex unions that actually have a solid ground, since I have yet to hear an argument against same-sex unions that doesn't quote the Bible and/or jump to ridiculous conclusions about it opening the door for legalized bestiality or something like that.

I see no reason why two consenting adults (or more, but that's another discussion) should not be able to have the legal benefits of marriage. It would 'harm the institution of marriage' much less than divorce does, but you don't see any states holding a referendum to ban divorce. It's just all so illogical.

*sigh* Maybe I should just move to Canada, where homosexuals are actually treated like human beings.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Okay, scratch that last post.

Well, at least the first paragraph.

A few minutes after writing that last post, I noticed Lip Ring signing on. I sent him a "Hi, how are you?" and he actually replied. Go ahead and gasp; you know you want to. I was just as surprised as you are. He's so bloody wishy-washy.

A bit of small talk before I asked how it was going with his boyfriend, and he said it was going well. We talked a bit about school and my recent trip to Dallas, and then I had to go to a meeting.

When I got back about 10 minutes ago, I messaged him again that I was back if he still wanted to talk, but he hasn't replied, so I'm just going to go take a shower.

That's about it.


Éiníní, éiníní, codalaígí, codalaígí. Codalaígí, codalaígí, cois an claí amuigh

Not much has changed since my last post, really. Lip Ring is still ignoring me, or rather ignoring me again. It sure seems like an ongoing thing, though.

I listen to my friends and agree that they're right in saying that I should just forget him because he's just an ass, and I deserve better.

It was just nice to have somebody. But he was just somebody, when what I really need is somebody.

I'll be fine. It's just hard sometimes.

My current mood is heavily influenced by my current music, beautiful yet a bit sad. That is also the source of the title for this post, which translates as:

Little birds, little birds, all sleep, all sleep.
All sleep, all sleep, beside the wall outside.

The song is "Éiníní," traditional Irish, sung by Abby Green. She's really wonderful. Check her out at her Myspace.

I've got to get ready for a meeting now.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Being the *odd number*-th wheel

It seems like all my friends her at my unnamed Baptist university are paired up:

CSI Friend and KoP (living together)
Teacher Friend and Aladdin
Blonde Friend and Army Guy (they got married last week)
Koopa and CompSci Guy

Out of the people at school whom I consider to be my good friends, that basically just leaves Black Rose who is still single.

I mean, I love my friends like nothing else, but it's hard sometimes being the single guy surrounded by couples.

I keep feeling more and more like Robert from Company, happy with my friends, but with no one around to answer my kazoo.


Thursday, October 9, 2008


Hmm, so I finally heard from Lip Ring again. God, I just don't know what is up with that guy.

I almost immediately asked if he had spoken to his boyfriend about the issues he was having. He said he had, and that they tried a solution to it, but it didn't work very well. He's still with the guy, but he's not happy.

Then there was some small-talk until he said, seemingly out of nowhere, 'hmm, you must have a nice selection of freshmen at [unnamed Baptist university] lol'. After cocking my eyebrow for a moment, I replied that although I don't generally like younger guys, there was a freshman guy on whom I had my eye, i.e. Shorty. I said that Shorty was adorable, 'despite the fact that he's at least six inches shorter than I am, or perhaps because of it.' He then turned the conversation dirty, saying 'shit---well makes him better at bj level'.

It just went downhill from there, with him describing sex act after sex act, and me telling him to stop, not to get me excited when my roommate was in the room. Then came this exchange:

[21:28] Phillip Wilde: I do believe you're trying to stir up some trouble.
[21:29] Lip Ring: hmmm
[21:29] LR: maybe
[21:30] LR: you know ud like it
[21:30] PW: Of course I would. Now if only I could find someone to do it with.
[21:31] LR: :-(
[21:31] PW: Why the sad face?
[21:32] LR: am i no good at sex?
[21:32] LR: as i recall u werre hardcore moaning
[21:32] PW: You are. But I will not do anything with you while you are in a relationship with someone else. We've discussed this before.
[21:34] PW: If there comes a time when we're both single and in the same place, call me up and we'll have mind-blowing sex.
[21:34] PW: But I won't be the other man.
[21:35] PW: Are you going to say anything?
[21:36] LR: i dunno what to say
[21:38] PW: I think we could have something great, but you don't know what you want right now.
[21:38] LR: as in a relationship?
[21:38] PW: You say you want a relationship.
[21:39] LR: no im asking
[21:39] PW: Well, you're in a relationship, but you're willing to jeopardize it for sex.
[21:40] LR: im staying in it for him
[21:40] LR: he was a disaster
[21:40] LR: now i've got to ween him of
[21:40] PW: Then why were you asking about you being good in bed? Why did you make a sad face when I said I needed to find someone to sleep with?
[21:41] PW: So you want out of your relationship?
[21:41] LR: I mean I care about him alot--- but it more supportive than actual love
[21:41] LR: thats the conclusion ive come to
[21:42] PW: If you think the relationship doesn't have a future, then you should end it. Otherwise, you're just leading him on.
[21:42] PW: It'll be hard at first, but maybe you could eventually get back to being friends.
[21:43] LR: id rather be fake for awhile to rebuild himself than have a suicide on my hands
[21:45] PW: Understandable. Do what you have to do.
[21:45] LR: I'm not leading him on---- im building his confidence back up
[21:45] LR: but killing myself in the process
[21:47] LR: i' sorry, i can't talk about this aymore. its making me sick to my stomach. i'm gonna go smoke a bowl. i'll ttyl
[21:47] *** "Lip Ring" signed off at Wed Oct 08 21:47:14 2008.

I really just don't know what to think. Am I crazy that I can't stop wanting to try being with him despite all the shit he's done? I mean, he's been quite an arse to me and to his boyfriend. Am I only interested in the sex? At least I'm strong enough to say no, no matter how much I want it. And I definitely want it.

Augh, I don't have time to think about this right now; I need to go take a shower and study for the two midterms I have tomorrow.


Monday, October 6, 2008

A Renaissance of Love

Alright, so that title sounds like some kind of hippie mumbo-jumbo. Whatever. It's the best I can think of right now.

So I performed at a Renaissance Festival the past two weekends. It's a smaller festival, only in its third season, and I've been there all three.

So this Saturday, there was a young gay couple sitting together at the end of the day pubsing. In fact, they were about my age and students at one of the smaller colleges in the same town as my unnamed Baptist university. One of them is a culinary student who was working food service for the faire. Anyway, so when I looked over and saw two young men sitting together and resting on each other, I just thought 'Aww, that's sweet. They're happy.'

But I could tell that they had become the curiostiy of the pubsing, attracting as much attention from the patrons about as the performers in the form of silent looks and whispered comments. Some seemed to feel the same as I did. Some seemed to be a bit uncomfortable. Others were just curious. Not really a lot to say about this incident. I just think it's interesting watching different people's reactions to a gay couple acting just like any straight couple.

I've said previously that at renfaires I neither broadcast nor make any real effort to hid my homosexuality. Not that I really mind most of the people there knowing that I'm gay, and I generally give people an honest answer if they ask, but if they don't ask, I generally like to remain a little ambiguous.

So there is this family - father, mother, and two daughers about my age - I knew from church many years ago when I was a child, but our church ceased to exist when I was 12, and we stopped seeing each other. Well, we rediscovered each other last year at this very renfaire, both being performers there. Well, actually, we had had a chance encounter one year before that at the first season of this faire, in which we were in complete darkness and sang back and forth, but since it was so dark, we never saw each other's face and so never recognized each other.

Well, they as a music group have joined the same music group of which I am a member for most of our shows, except this particular faire at which we perform separately. Anyway, so I have rekindled my friendship with the two daughters, particularly the older of the two, hereafter referred to as Lore. She liked me when we were children, and I knew, well kind of. I don't know if I knew then, but I know in retrospect. Well, that and she told me today, but that comes later in this story.

Today, she and her younger sister, let's call her Blueberry, just finally asked me. After a minute of trying to answer with subtle gestures, I eventually just said it. For some reason, people never seem to understand me when I'm trying to be subtle. Anyway, Lore then asked if I wanted to take a walk around the faire. I understood that that meant she wanted to talk, just the two of us. We had a nice, long talk about our pasts, our thoughts, my 'journey' if you will, and her tendency to fall for gay guys. I think we'll be just fine. In fact, we're IMing right now.

So that's what's been on my mind this weekend.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

An ongoing saga

So I finally heard from Lip Ring again. He texted me yesterday, saying "I haven't been ignoring you yo, I hardly ever get on myspace anymore. Things are okay I guess. I'm in love, just not completely sexually happy."

I call bullshit on him saying that he just hasn't been getting on Myspace. Does he not realize that Myspace tells you if your sent messages have been read? *sigh* I think I'm just done with him completely. Whenever I try to be his friend instead of 'the other man,' he just ignores me, and now he's lying to me about it.

I had dinner tonight with my two best friends here at my unnamed Baptist university, hereafter referred to as Teacher Friend (she's an education major) and CSI Friend (she's a forensic science major). After we finished, none of us really wanted to go home to do homework, so we ended up staying in the cafeteria for quite a while, long enough for Shorty to come join us after a meeting he had.

Shorty has only recently come into our close-knit group. He's a freshman, whom we probably would never have come to know if he hadn't been childhood friends with Teacher Friend, but he actually fits in with our group rather well. We (being me, CSI Friend, Teacher Friend, and their roommate Blonde Friend) have also discussed on more than one occasion whether we think Shorty is gay. We have all gotten a vibe, but none of us feel absolutely sure in either direction. We've generally come to the conclusion that he isn't really sure himself yet.

This may sound kind of selfish, but I kind of hope he is gay. He's really cute and really easy to get along with. I've actually discussed this with Teacher Friend as well, and she said that if he is gay, then I should go for it, and that we would make a really cute couple.

I noticed today that he has really long eyelashes. I think he is officially my number one crush now.

Teacher Friend and I went to a meeting of the musical revue group tonight, where I saw Flippy Hair, Adam's Apple, and the Artist. I still think they're all adorable, and I would probably date any one of them if I had the courage, but the bulk of my attention has turned to Shorty.

Man, sometimes I just think of how stupid it is that I stay in the closet, almost surely sealing my loneliness. I wish the administration at my unnamed Baptist university would just take their heads out of their own arses and realize that gays are not subversive pedophiles who lure upstanding men into their dens of sin. Then maybe I could have a chance at a normal love life.

Well, a man can dream, can't he?


Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I can be rather cynical at times, but deep inside I have always been a romantic.

So in spite of my loneliness, or perhaps because of it, I have recently begun making a wish whenever the clock reads 11:11. I usually close my eyes and think very strongly a line from the Sondheim musical Company:

'You've got to love somebody, not somebody.'

I have also chosen as my personal anthem lately the song Being Alive, also from Company. Below are my two favorite versions of the song.

First, the original Broadway cast recording, with the incredibly talented Dean Jones:

And secondly, the round version from the 1999 Broadway run of Putting It Together, with George Hearn, Carol Burnett, Bronson Pinchot, Ruthie Henshall, and John Barrowman:

Did I mention that I love them all immensely?

Especially John Barrowman. He's just plain pretty.


Friday, September 26, 2008

A post in honor of all the men I've liked through the years.

There's been:
Tongue Stud
Redhead Skater Boy
Polish Guy
Politician Guy
Cheer Boy
The Scotsman
Gypsy Boy
The Nobleman
The Jester
The Francophile
Indie Boy
Flippy Hair
Jew Fro
The Artist
Adam's Apple
Lip Ring
The Potter

True, most of these were simply little infatuations, but I still remember most of them fondly.

I had a nice, little random conversation with Flippy Hair today when we ran into each other in the lobby. I think we may actually at some point become what could be called 'friends'.

And Myspace tells me that Lip Ring has read the message I sent him the other day. So I guess he's officially ignoring me. Again.

Oh well.

Now I'm going to attempt to be productive; we'll see if I actually succeed.


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A synopsis of my love-life.

I don't really have much of one.

***Warning: This entry talks candidly, although not explicitly, about gay sex.***

I've been back at school for about a month now, but it's only recently that I've started incidentally running into Flippy Hair again, which is strange considering he lives down the hall from me.

Anyway, so I've been running into him a lot lately, and I find the old feelings coming back. Not the 'desperately want to kiss you every time I see you' feelings that I had last winter, but I still find him very attractive, in fact more so now than before.

We first met on a dating site last summer, but we never really did anything. Then last fall when I moved into my new dorm, I discovered that he lived just down the hall. For most of that fall semester, I thought he was cute and sort of admired him from afar, but not as creepily as that makes it sound. We actually met in person for real when I joined the musical revue group, of which he happened to be a member. That's when the feelings really started to develop, when we were seeing each other at almost daily rehearsals. After the big performance of the year at the end of February, we saw each other less often, but still on a semi-regular basis, since we were neighbors.

So eventually I worked up the nerve to tell him I found him attractive. Well, sort of. I posted it anonymously in his Facebook Honesty Box. For those of you not familiar with Honesty Box, it can show you the gender of the anonymous posters, so seeing that comment coming from a male, he was intrigued and replied asking who I was. I pussyfooted around for a bit, but eventually revealed myself. After that, he never responded, and I felt worthless and rejected.

Anyway, the musical revue group is now having regular meetings again, even though it's the off-season and we're not allowed to start learning our act until December - said musical revue show is a strictly regulated competition and an old tradition at my unnamed Baptist university - so I'm seeing Flippy Hair more often, and boy does he look great. I've pretty much gotten over the pain from this spring, so thankfully it hasn't been awkward. In fact, it's almost as if it never even happened.

On a somewhat different note, I think Lip Ring is ignoring me again. He and I met on the same aforementioned dating site this spring. It was recently after my rejection by Flippy Hair, and I was trying to move past it. We met in person for the first time at a concert in town, but it was really awkward and he ended up having to leave early to deal with a friend's crisis. After the concert, he texted me saying something along the lines of 'I can tell you don't like me. It's okay.' I responded with the truth, that I liked him just fine, but that I was just a shy person, inexperienced at dating and awkward around new people.

So we decided to make a fresh start. A week or two later, we met again to have some one-on-one time, very chill. We got some food at Wendy's and then went back to his apartment, where we started watching Donnie Darko, his favorite movie which I had never seen. Two gay guys sitting on a couch in an empty apartment with the lights off. Needless to say, we didn't get very far into the movie. It started with a kiss and moved on from there. About an hour later, we were both naked and we moved to the bedroom, where we had the best sex I've ever had. Not that I have too much to compare it to. It wasn't mind-blowing, but at least it was actually good, as opposed to sex with Pepper, which had been more or less an exercise in futility.

Oh, Pepper, that was an interesting time. He was the first person to whom I ever came out. It was so cheesy. I was barely 17 years old, and at 20 he seemed to mature and world wise. But I was stupid and naïve and was blown away by anyone who was already out of the closet. Anyway, I got to know him from being in a community theatre production of Beauty and the Beast. I played Gaston. He was a pepper shaker, hence the moniker. So we had been subtly flirting for the past couple weeks of rehearsal, and after our first performance and on the way to meet the rest of the main cast for dinner, he asked me if I was gay and I said yes. After dinner, he drove me to my house, talking the whole way about being gay. When we got to my house and it was time to say goodbye, he kissed me, and I stayed in the car. After making out for about 15 minutes, we moved the car to a darker spot down the block, and that was when I got my first blow job. But for some reason, I don't really know why, I wasn't really getting much out of it. Maybe I was just nervous. Anyway, we eventually gave up and I went home.

The next day, he wanted me to go with him to his apartment after the show, but his best friend, also on the cast, was having a party at her place that night and it would have been rude not to go. We had a nice, open time there, hanging out and playing spin the bottle with other cast members. Then on the third day of performances, we had two shows in one day, and then that was when I went with him to his apartment. It began like any other 'date': sitting on the couch, kissing, and eventually clothes coming off. He hadn't thought it out very well, though. He had no condoms and no lube. We ended up having sex bareback (of which I am not at all proud) using cold cream as lube. The cold cream worked alright as lubrication, but it kind of made me numb, so again I was unable to finish and we eventually gave up. As a result of that, he thereafter didn't want me to use a condom, thinking it would make me last even longer. At least from then on, he made sure to have lube handy.

Still, we had sex on a semi-regular basis for a few months after that, always bareback (again, not at all proud of that) and never anything that I would actually call 'good.' It didn't help that, as an actor, he overacted his reaction to me being inside him, always moaning and shouting in such obviously fake ecstasy. I kept trying to shush him under the guise of making sure his neighbors didn't hear, but really I was just trying to get him to shut up because it was really distracting.

Despite the so-so sex, I still wanted to have a real relationship with Pepper. He felt otherwise. He said he 'didn't want to spoil what we had' and wanted for us to just continue being friends with benefits. I felt a bit cheap, but I said okay, hoping that he would eventually want a relationship. That situation lasted from July until about November, by which time our meetings had become less and less frequent until we just didn't see each other at all. About two months later, I read in his Xanga that he was in love and had a boyfriend. I cried a lot that night. That scarred me pretty deeply and I spent the next two years wondering why I wasn't good enough.

Fast forward to my encounter with Lip Ring. It felt so good to have some sense of intimacy. That was about a month after the rejection by Flippy Hair, and I was still carrying the Pepper baggage, not to mention the fact that I was very sexually frustrated after the dry spell of more than two years. Lip Ring and I were supposed to meet up again about two weeks after the first time, but he ended up going to Austin with his friends instead. I was a little upset, but I decided to let it go; we could meet up another time. We eventually met up at a popular coffee shop just off campus, along with one of his good friends. We had a nice time talking about various things, all the while flirting on Y!IM on our laptops. I went back home before it was too late. It was close to finals, after all.

And that was the last time I saw him. That was May. We went a while without talking, because he never seemed to be online. Then in early August, we finally IMed again. He said that he was feeling frisky and was wondering if I was up for some fun. I said I was. He said he wanted to have sex outside, like at the lake or something. I wasn't too sure about that, but I figured I would play it by ear. So we agreed that he would come pick me up at a specific time a couple hours later. I showered, shaved, fixed my hair, and put on one of my favorite outfits. I texted him directions to my house and then waited for him to come. But he never came. He wouldn't answer his phone or respond to any of my texts or Facebook messages. He stood me up and was now ignoring me.

Time went by, I came back to school, and then I finally received a text from him in mid-September, in which he asks if I would be interested in having a threesome with him and another guy. I had noticed in the month that he was ignoring me that he had gotten a boyfriend, as evidenced by his Facebook. I asked him who the third guy in the threesome would be, and when he named someone other than his boyfriend, I knew something was fishy. I asked if his boyfriend knew about this planned threesome. He said no, at which point I flat out said no to fooling around with him at all. We had a long conversation about why he was wanting to cheat on his boyfriend and what I thought he should do, i. e. not cheat on his boyfriend and talk with his boyfriend about the problems he was having. After a great deal of convincing, he finally agreed to talk to his boyfriend about it that evening, and I told him to let me know how it went.

The next day, his Facebook disappeared completely. I don't know if he blocked me or if he deleted his Facebook or what. He also has not been on Y!IM or AIM since. He is still my friend on Myspace, so I sent him a message asking him what the deal was. Myspace tells me that the message was read a few days ago, but he has not responded. I just sent him another message a few minutes ago, addressing the fact that he seems to be ignoring me again. We'll see how that works out.

In my rational mind, I have eliminated almost all thoughts of trying to be anything more to him than a friend, but it will have to be up to him to decide whether I will even be that or if I will become a stranger.

I realize that this is a rather long and heavy post, but I figured a bit more exposition was in order.

That's all for now.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

An introduction.

You can call me Phillip Wilde. I am a young gay man, forced to stay in the closet for a handful of complicated reasons.

The number one reason is that I attend a Baptist university in central Texas which shall not be named in this blog. Said Baptist university has a nasty habit of taking scholarships away from students when they come out of the closet, and I simply cannot afford to have that happen. I would have to drop out of school, and that is simply unthinkable to me.

The second reason is that my parents are not exactly accepting of homosexuality. I know I am certainly not the only gay person who has had to deal with this. In fact, most of us do. But although my parents are not the type of people who would react violently to my coming out, I am still very afraid of how they may react. My mother has some very backward views on homosexuality, including that it is caused in all cases by demonic possession. Yeah, it's messed up. My dad doesn't really voice his opinion on the subject much, but he does somewhat frequently use the word 'faggot,' along with other comparable offensive words in reference to other groups, on which I usually call him.

My other reasons for staying in the closet are pretty much the same as anyone else's. I worry that people will think of me differently. It's really silly that they would, since coming out of the closet doesn't change who I am, just what people know about me, but I know that it happens all the time. I'm afraid of the disapproving looks; I'm afraid of people talking behind my back about something over which I have no control.

Speaking of that, I can't believe that anyone could think that homosexuality is a choice. Why on earth would I choose to be ostracized and discriminated against? It is just the way I am, and people should just accept that.

I hesitate to explore the origins of homosexuality in any way. It makes me think of the subplot in Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West in which the Wizard is trying to discover the origin of the Animals so that he can find a way to eliminate them. I honestly hope that homosexuality is not genetic as some people claim for that very reason - that people will try to snuff it out if we find out what causes it. It would really be a genocide of a different sort.

All that being said, I am not completely closeted. If I were, I would have lost my mind years ago. So here's a breakdown of how much I am in and out of the closet:

People with whom I am completely out and open and with whom I discuss it regularly:
My small group of very close friends here at school
A handful of other close friends from various other places
A guy with whom I had something going a few months ago, hereafter referred to as Lip Ring

People who know I'm gay, but we don't really talk about it:
Most of the secondary and some of the tertiary friends connected to my group of close friends
The youngest of my three older sisters
Various people with whom I did community theatre a few years ago
Various people with whom I went to high school
Another semi-closeted guy at my school on whom I had a major crush last year, hereafter referred to as Flippy Hair

People who know I am gay, but we don't really talk at all:
More various people with whom I went to high school
One guy with whom I had something going a couple years ago, hereafter referred to as Pepper

Places where I make my homosexuality plain:
Gay-friendly nightclubs
Gay-friendly neighborhoods, such as the Castro in San Francisco or Oak Lawn in Dallas

Places where/people with whom I neither broadcast nor make any real effort to hide my homosexuality:
Renaissance festivals - I've been performing at them for a few years now
The musical revue group in which I perform at my school
The general public

People with whom I occasionally discuss homosexuality, but not specifically in reference to me:
My other two sisters, who both would probably have no problem with me coming out - they probably already know anyway
Various cousins and other relatives, whose views vary
My parents, whose views are described above
Various professors and fellow students, whose views vary

Places where/people with whom I never discuss homosexuality:
Almost any religious setting
Almost anyone involved in the administration at my unnamed Baptist university

I suppose that will have to do for now. More posts of varying topics, mostly gay-themed, will follow.