Tuesday, January 27, 2009

An Epiphany and New Possibilities

So last night, as I was coming home from rehearsal, I started thinking about what Flippy Hair did (or rather didn't do) with all the people who auditioned for vocal parts and didn't get them.

And then it hit me - it's exactly what he did to me last Spring. We put ourselves out there with the audition, and then he just never responded. That is exactly what he did last year when I told him I liked him.

That boy needs to realize that a flat-out rejection is better than no response at all, because then at least you're being honest. It's just rude.

It doesn't bother me as much that I didn't get a part. It's that he didn't have the courtesy to tell me so.

On a lighter note, I do seem to have made a new friend or two in the past two rehearsals. I already seem to be closer to the girl - let's call her Kiddo. We started talking when she, the guy - let's call him Durwood - and I were all standing next to each other in a formation.

Durwood pretty much has no filter on what he says, so he started talking about how many gay guys there are in the group. So Kiddo and I joined in, and we determined that there are only 4 straight guys, even though there are definitely more who claim to be. Meanwhile, another girl - let's call her Harmony - just stood by and laughed. Ah, good times. I have concluded that Durwood is like the four-year-old who says what everyone is thinking but no one wants to say out loud.

Okay, so that's it for now.



Monday, January 26, 2009

High school never ends

Make that middle school.

More of the same from Lip Ring. About a week ago, he IMs me telling me to text him. I reply that I don't text and that if he wants to talk to me he can either IM or call me. Haven't heard from him since. Nothing new there.

Rehearsals with the revue group are in full blast. And Flippy Hair has changed. He used to be pleasantly confident. Now he's a self-centered, elitist, passive-aggressive bitch. He's the music chair and he's basically just given all the vocal parts to his best friends, and he doesn't even bother to tell people when they audition for something and don't get it. I feel snubbed, and I'm not the only one. There are several very talented people who have nothing.

If I wasn't over him before, I am now. I am just so done with all this shit.

The group has gotten extremely clique-y and the officers of the group are the clique-iest of all. That's so incredibly contrary to what this group was founded on. The whole point is so that people don't have to be excluded from participating in the huge musical competition just because they aren't in a fraternity or sorority. But now within the group, there are the 'cool kids' and the 'not cool kids'. It's bullshit.

Hitherto, my college life has not been like this. My high school wasn't even like this. I have had to deal with this shit since I was in middle school. And I was freaking miserable in middle school.

I just feel like all my hard work to be friendly, to avoid being socially awkward, to make new friends, has just been worthless. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself until very recently, until person after person, group after group, has told me that I'm just not good enough.

Fuck it.

I am really a very insecure person. I do not handle exclusion well. I never have. Whenever I feel that I am being personally and undeservedly snubbed, I just want to scream. But that's not socially appropriate, so instead I listen to emotional, anguished, self-questioning German music.

Voilà 'Gutes Tun' from Wicked: Die Hexen von Oz
Sung by the incomparable Willemijn Verkaik

Even if you don't understand German, she is so expressive, you know exactly what she is saying by the tone in her voice.

And that is how I feel right now.


Saturday, January 17, 2009


I saw Lip Ring today.

Lip Ring and his boyfriend.

At a concert.

The same band at whose concert we met in person for the first time.

Jeezy Creezy, I just stared at them.

I don't think he recognized me, since I cut my hair.

He looked exactly the same as he did last April.

I came so close so many times to going up to the two of them and just say, 'Hi, [Lip Ring].'

And then if his boyfriend asked how we knew each other, I could either be nice and say we met at a concert, or be a bitch and say 'We had sex. But don't worry, it was before you two were together. Although he has propositioned me twice since you've been together because he's a cheating asshole.'

Then again, later I looked over at the two of them and thought, 'I am way cuter than he is. And I'm actually good in bed. Oh well, [Lip Ring]'s loss.'

Ach, I'm losing my bloody mind.

I'm pretty sure Flippy Hair is dating this guy who went to my high school.

And Adam's Apple's Facebook says he is now in a relationship.

Bloody hell, what is wrong with me?

[/emo whining]

On the bright side, the concert was omgamazing.

And I really need to go to bed now. I have to work in the morning.